Dear Delta Airlines,
After using your services this past week for my trip to Germany and back, here is a list of things that I found bizarre, highly inconvenient, and somewhat emotionally traumatic.
- Your new check-in procedure presumes that everyone sets their watches to Delta time. The clock on my phone (which is actually the universal time measurement) is 5 minutes off from Delta time. But because of your strict policy of demanding your customers to be checked in 1 hour before take-off and the 5 minute time difference between “Delta Time” and “Real Time”, you said I missed my flight. By 5 minutes. Even though the plane was not set to take off for an hour. Even though my watch said I was on time. You made the elderly couple behind me who was late by 2 minutes cry because of this rule! And you made me pay $250 to switch to a later flight. Even though I didn’t miss my flight…. because it was still sitting on the runway… for an hour after I got there… you just wouldn’t let me on it. You setting your clocks off by 5 minutes earned you $250. Nice scam.
- After re-routing all my flights because of your little time game, waiting an additional 6 hours at LAX and showing up in Amsterdam, you tried to send me to London. Even though my boarding pass said Cologne, Germany. How did you do this? How is it possible that we can send things to Mars, but your systems are so flawed that you printed a boarding pass to one city, but you try to fly me to a completely different city. The additional $250 that you are robbing from people because of your time-scam isn’t well spent. And the additional 6 hours that I had to spend in the Amsterdam airport because of having to reroute my ticket to where I was SUPPOSED to go destroyed large chunks of my soul.
- After arriving in Cologne 12 hours later than I was supposed to, I discovered you lost my luggage that had all my artwork for the gallery exhibit. The gallery exhibit that was opening the next morning. And you wouldn’t tell me where it was sent to. And you wouldn’t tell me when I would be getting it back. As I sat on the floor in front of your customer service desk crying from stress and exhaustion, all you had to give me was a complimentary bag with a toothbrush, razor, and a pair of men’s socks, and wouldn’t allow me to make a phone call to the exhibit hall to let my gallery know that you had lost the entire reason for my trip to Germany. I think your customer service department needs to take some time and eat many bags of dicks.
- You should have to pay my future therapy bills for making me endure the “Twilight” movies, and “Sex in the City 2″ as your in-flight movies. They added considerably to my mental deterioration during this whole debacle.
In closing, I think you are bad people. I think that when they teach children in school about sexual predators and drug dealers, they should also mention you. You’re so awful that you make old people openly weep in public. I want to bring charges against you for psychological abuse. The only thing keeping me from marching back into LAX, dropping my pants in the middle of your check-in line and pooping on your floor is that I had an amazing time once I finally got to Germany. You should send the Strychnin Gallery a thank you note for keeping you from having to clean up my poop.