Waiting patiently for my turn to vomit venom…..
November 25, 2008
Filed under Damnit, I'm really tired., Parenting and all it's glory, Raise your hand if your sick of "Feelings"
Tags: aspergers syndrome, marriage, temper tantrums
… “Fuck all” by Atari Teenage Riot
If I could give a somewhat accurate portrayal of what it sounds like inside my head right now, the above song is pretty damn close. It’s not happy in there.
I have acquired 2 of the most moody, dramatic, and emotionally self-indulgent boys on the planet. Hands down. One is a 10 year old with Aspergers/ADHD- so that’s his excuse. The other is a 43 year old musician who’s excuse is…. well, it varies. Daily. Either way, I am forever put in the role of mediator/therapist/mother (to both of them)/referee/etc. It’s exhausting. And the “happy place” I mentally escape to is starting to rot and crumble. Their combined Dark Force efforts have penetrated my Jedi powers and are eating them like a cancer- and Yoda’s wise words of wisdom no longer carry the strength they once did (is my Nerd showing with that statement?… that’s ok. I have no shame.)
These boys have decided that they have complete freedom to express their anger however they see fit… and though they’ve both gotten better through mountainous efforts of therapists and self-help tools- it all still flies up in my face far too often. One tantrum at a time, I can usually handle. But when both fella’s let loose, I’m juggling broken glass. I can keep the glass gracefully bouncing in the air from one hand to the other for a magical performance- but I walk away damaged and covered in blood. And through all this, I wonder over and over, “Ok, you guys have had your turn… when do I get my chance to scream, yell, throw things and act like a rabid monkey?”.
Last night, Sully let loose. Because he’s home for Thanksgiving break, his routine has changed. He doesn’t do well with a change in routine (Asperger’s 101: consistency in routine is vital). So I tried to set up days balanced with tasks and down-time so that I could keep him entertained while still getting my work done. It worked until about 4:30 or so, then the was fully sick of my shit and started playing the “mind games”. The “mind games” consist of him making fully insulting statements, but presented in a way that he can easily feign innocence and mock me for being “too sensitive” or for not understanding what he was trying to say in the first place. It’s a really maddening game because if you try to tell him the error of the statement, you get slammed… but if you ignore it, he’ll keep it going until he gets a response. He loves this game because either way, his opponent is fucked. This game starts when he is bored with my company, or with a task that I’ve laid out for us to do. I can’t let him out of the task (because I have to have complete follow-through with everything)- but after an hour of this game, I want to break everything I can get my hands on (but nope, it’s not my turn yet…. I guess I’ll keep waiting).
Then there’s Brad. Brad has been given many nicknames from his dear friends over the years… “The Quitter” and “The Angry Greek” to name a couple. He’s part Greek, and part Italian- and he uses this as part of his excuse for being a yeller. If where your ancestors came from can really be a viable excuse for current behavior, I’d like for someone to let me know which cultural group is known for patience, serenity, and kindness in the face of stress. Is there a group out there like that for me to seek out and mate with? And if we ARE allowed to use our heritage as an excuse to act however we want- my biological grandmother was from Austria… so does that give me the excuse to get all Hitler on Brad (or anyone else who crosses my path on a bad day)? If so, I’d looooove to Sieg Heil the shit outta my boys right about now. Brad’s other excuse is sugar. He’s found that if he has sugar too late in the day, he turns into a complete shitbag. Moody and mean and critical. My argument with this is that if you KNOW that sugar turns you into a shitbag… THEN DON’T EAT SUGAR!!! Duh! (nope… not my turn for a tantrum yet because Brad ate a donut… I guess I’ll keep waiting).
Brad’s favorite thing to do when he’s mad is to quit things (hence the nickname “The Quitter”). When he’s mad at his band, he quits. When he’s mad at his schoolwork, he quits. When he’s mad at his car, he threatens to sell it. When he’s mad at his computer, he starts looking for a new one. And when he’s mad at me, he quits marriage. 6 years ago, when he first started “quitting me”, it was very dramatic and made a huge emotional impression. But now, 12 billion quits later, it has lost it’s power. The Greek/Italian sugar induced screaming of “That’s it… I’m outta here… this time FOR GOOD” is now met with a yawn. I’ve learned that if you’re going to quit a relationship- save it for when you really are going to quit, and then make that exit Oscar winning. You’ve only got 1 shot at it- and if you blow it, it’s blown for good. (Is it my turn yet? I’d really like to scream now, please…. No? Ok… I guess I’ll keep waiting).
So with Hurricane Brad and Hurricane Sully tearing through my house all day, and me being the lone calming agents with these 2… I’m getting tired. And my patience is wearing thin. I have a really bad temper- but being a mother I have to keep it forever in check. And when dealing with Brad, if I react to his whatever-induced anger with my own tantrum- it explodes into something truly horrific… so I must keep my emotions bound tightly in a bag with him as well. (Um, now?…. can I scream now?… No? Ok… I’ll keep waiting).
When do I get my turn? When am I allowed to jump up and down on the furniture and scream at the top of my lungs and throw objects and verbal daggers in every direction? Every day, someone else beats me to it. For years, they’ve been beating me to it. And for years it’s been building. And building and building.
Sully just got mad at his Lego’s and threw them across the room. Dramatically screaming “I’m not playing with these stupid things anymore”.
Nope…. not yet. Still waiting. And waiting. And waiting.
It’s a good thing I don’t own a gun*.
(*gun would never be used on child or spouse… well, maybe on spouse. But mainly just to fire off randomly at things in the house to get the satisfaction of impressivly loud sounds and objects getting shattered left and right)
Pill poppin’…..
October 6, 2008
Filed under Parenting and all it's glory
Tags: ADHD, aspergers syndrome, behavior disorders, medication, violent children, Vyvanse
I’ve mentioned in previous posts that my son has Asperger’s syndrome and ADHD. He’s super high functioning… but not high functioning enough to be able to spend his full school days in a regular classroom (he spends part of his day in a Behavioral Theraputic classroom… which is amazing that the school district we live in provides this kind of service, and it’s why we have to live in this district and pay INSANE amounts of money for rent so that he can be able to go to this school). We have tried every single thing under the sun to help him with his issues- regular therapy, behavioral therapy, homeopathic and natural mood stabalizers, dietary changes, reward systems, strict daily structure routines, every single parenting method provided in every single parenting book ever written, etc. We’ve done it all… but he just CAN’T keep his anger and impulsiveness from taking over and destroying his days. It’s tearing his self-esteem to shreds and keeping him from thriving the way he desperately wants to be. It’s keeping him from having friends, and doing well in school (which he’s INSANELY smart, and a really amazing kid- so it’s a total shame). So we finally got to the point where meds were an option.
I hate meds. I hate the pharmacutical system and the way doctors will just give pills out like candy. So this was a REALLY hard decision to make. But I’ve always said that meds should be used as a last resort… and that’s where we’re at with my little guy. He’ll be in junior high next year, and we’ve got to help him pull some of this stuff together before then, because junior high is BRUTAL and he needs to have his wits about him.
So after another reevaluation, and a firm rediagnosis of Aspergers and ADHD, we went to his doctor who started him off on a mild dosage of Vyvanse. I had him start taking it on Saturday morning so that I could closely monitor him throughout the weekend before unleashing him onto school. I wanted to see if there were any side effects that I need to worry about.
Within in 4 hours, I noticed that the things that would normally send him into a blind rage didn’t bother him. He had been working on a drawing for 2 days, and he accidentially screwed it up… normally, he’d tear it to pieces, throw his colored pencils across the room, scream and yell that he wasn’t good at anything, and a full blown hour-long meltdown would follow. But Saturday, when this happened, he came into my office a little sad and asked me if I’d hold onto the drawing for a while and maybe he’d go back to working on it later…. AND THAT WAS IT!!! No explosions, or destruction, or nightmarish chaos. Just calm and sound behavior. And a couple hours later, he DID go back to it and happily finished it! This may not seem like a big thing- but after almost a decade of daily destruction melt-downs, this was huge. When he was playing at a friend’s house and I came to get him & informed him he needed to come home and help me with chores (which is normally another thing that sends him into a rage), he happily complied. This was how our whole weekend was. He was able to actually finish tasks he started without jumping from one thing to another manicly, and was much more reasonable with everything.
The side effects were there, though. Saturday night, he couldn’t get to sleep until 3am. I thought this would probably work itself out (and last night he was asleep by 8:30). If he’s hungry at all, he gets super nauseous- so we’re going to have to have him snack on regular schedules at home and at school (which is totally fine). And he has flashes of weepiness/nervousness. He’ll come up to me with a little panicked look on his face and say “I’m really nervous and I don’t know why!”, or he’ll say he feels really sad for no reason. So I’ll have him take some big deep breaths, and within a minute or 2, it passes.
And then there’s the talking. He’s always been a massive talker… and produces far more chatter than my ears can take in on any day. But this weekend, the chatter was NON-STOP. It was like someone pressed the “play” button on his mouth, and threw the “stop” button in the garbage. By the time he went to bed last night, I thought my ears were going to bleed. He would even repeat things over and over just to keep the chatter-flow going. He didn’t do this when he was playing with friends- only when he was with me and Brad. So hopefully he won’t do this at school because there’s no way that his teachers are going to be able to have a productive classroom with this going on.
But that’s my story. I promised the other Aspie mom’s who read my babble that I would keep updates on here when we started the meds. There aren’t meds for Asperger’s syndrome since it’s a behavioral disorder… but usually ADHD and Asperger’s go hand-in-hand, so it’s the ADHD that I’m trying to get a thumb on.
So if anyone out there has any experience with this new med Vyvanse (because it’s pretty new to the market, and it’s supposed to be alot milder than previous meds with less side effects), I’d love to hear it!! The info I’ve found online has pretty much all been sponsered by the medication’s manufacturers- so their propaganda is pretty biased. Any “real person” input would be SOOOOO appreciated!!!! 
Shaking hands with the devil….
September 5, 2008
Filed under Parenting and all it's glory
Tags: aspergers syndrome, children, medication, parenting
I made a really difficult decision last night, and I’m still not sure how I feel about it.
I’ve decided to take Sully to the doctor and see what our options are for kiddie meds. This makes me cry just thinking about it…. but we’re now at that “red light flashing sirens going off danger point”, and it’s our last option.
As I’ve stated before in previous postings, I think that pharmaceutical aid with mood and behavior should be used when all other alternative and natural resources have failed. I think that meds are abused in our culture (especially with kids), and it should be a last resort. But with my little Asperbergers /Oppositional Defiant Disorder child, we have had him in behavioral therapy for years, he’s in a therapeutic classroom at school, we’ve tried homeopathic aids, he’s on the GFCF diet, aids and para’s at school, therapists, structured environments, routine charts, every reward system that has been imagined- you name it, we’ve tried it and tried it and tried it and tried it. Years and years and years of working with teachers and shrinks and doctors in a desperate attempt to get through to him and teach him to help himself by behaving in a positive and constructive manner. Nothing has worked. We’ve seen glimmers of progress here and there…. but none of it sticks or really sets in. I’ve never expected miracles- but a little hope here and there would be a nice thing to feel. All his behavior issues started when he was about 3, so for the past 7 years I’ve been watching my little angel struggle and rage and fight and fail- and that’s a heartbreaking thing for a parent to watch happen to their child.
So yesterday, my brain cracked wide open and then shattered into a million pieces. I went to pick my little fella up from school (it was only his second day of 5th grade because the schools out here just started), and I walked in to find him with that “look” on his face. That “look” that immediately tells me “Oops, sorry Mom. I fucked up my day and we’re going to have to have long talks”. My heart sinks to the depths of hell every time I see that “look”, because it means that I have to tread VERY VERY lightly around him because his venom could come flying at me if I handle anything the wrong way. The problem is, “the wrong way” can change from moment to moment. One second he could be fine and logical and take in everything I say without incident… and the next second, complete chaos and screaming and tantrums. It’s really draining to have to watch your step every second of the day, and know that an emotional explosion of nuclear proportions could go off at any moment. And once it goes off, there’s no stopping it… ya just gotta ride it out.
We’re leaving school, and having our calm-and-soothing-yet-firm talk about how it’s only the 2nd day of school and he needs to be using the tools he’s been taught to handle stress and frustration, etc etc etc…. and halfway home, Hurricane Sully hits. There’s this shift in his eyes whenever he’s about to go off- it’s so very subtle, and is as quick as a flash… and that’s all the warning he’s gonna give anyone before he unleashes his terror. Then it’s on. Big time. Screaming, crying, throwing sick and horrifying insults… the whole time I’m trying to remind him to take deep breaths, focus on things I know are calming to him, but firmly reminding him that he is never allowed to speak to people this way or treat them this way.
We get home, and he is sent straight to his room to calm down. He refuses to go. This is his new thing- physical defiance. He is 10 years old, 5ft 1″, and weighs 90 pounds. I’m 5ft 3″ and weigh 115 pounds. We’re almost the same size, but thankfully because of years of yoga- I’m stronger. But not by much… and not for much longer. And since I told him he has to go to his room, I have to follow through with getting him in his room. A HUGE thing with him is consistency and follow through… so if an adult tells him to do something and he gets out of it by throwing a tantrum- that adult is forever screwed because he knows they have a breaking point and he will nail it every time. I also have to get him in his room because he is my size, and it’s no longer safe for me to be around him when he’s in a rage. So I have to physically get him into his room and lock his door behind him (obtaining 3 big welts from him in the process).
Once he’s in there- the throwing things begins. As well as the mind games. He has the manipulation skills of a veteran serial killer. He can con and scam the pros. This is where his frightening intelligence really works it’s magic. He’ll pretend to calm down just long enough to get me to open his door, then he’ll try to engage in another debate about his current predicament, and then I will usually have to dodge a toy that he sends flying at my head. Ya never really know when it’s safe to open that door… ever. This is just one example of his tantrums. They have been much much worse. And because of his size now… it’s just frightening because he could easily hurt me or himself… more than just giving me a few bruises. But the thing that tears me to shreds is that when he calms down, he is filled with so much guilt and regret and shattering sadness over how he acted. He really cannot control it.
Long story short (too late)… yesterday I snapped. I’m tired of him feeling like he’s failed every day. That’s no way for a child to feel. And he’s now at the point where it’s going to start destroying his self-esteem. And I can’t live in fear of my child, and he has no concept of just how much harm he could possibly do, because he is only 10. So in tears I called a doctor, and set up an appointment for today. We’re going to try out some sort of meds to maybe control the anger and impulsive behavior. Maybe if we can get a handle on these things, it will allow us to work on the rest until he’s got a bit of maturity and self control under his belt… and then we lose the meds. I talked to his teacher on the phone last night, and she has totally backed me until this point about not using meds… but just what she’s seen in the past couple days, she agrees with me (she’s the same lady who worked with him all last year, so she knows him really well).
But I found this doctors group that deals with adolescents, and the beautiful thing is that all the doctors are women, and they are moms. All the nurses are women, and they are moms. That’s comforting to me. The intake nurse I talked to has a child just like Sully, and when I started to tell her what was going on, she immediately put me in with one of their doctors who is great with kids like Sully, and knew exactly what to do and what I was going through. And she got me an appointment today… no waiting because she knew I was about to jump off a bridge.
So this is where we’re at. I don’t know what the doc is going to say or do. I don’t know if anything they prescribe will work… but I figure that if I’m going to try everything- that means EVERYTHING. And if the meds don’t work, then at least we’ll know and can be done with it. The whole thing makes me very uneasy and upset….. but we’re now up against a wall. Big sadness. I’ll keep everyone posted on what happens.
