Santa vs The Warrior…. and Santa is winning

Every year around the holidays I write venting blogs about how much I hate X-mas and everything that comes along with it.  Because I really do hate the holiday season with such a hungry passion that there are barely words to contain it.  But this year I was trying something different.  This year, for the sake of my boys, I attempted to keep my mouth shut and put a fake smile on my face.  Putting up the tree and baking cookies and going shopping and wrapping presents… all accessorized with a blank “Stepford Wife” expression on my face, and a robot voice chiming like a parrot “Isn’t this great?  Don’t we love this?  Happy Holidays!  Happy Holidays!”.  It’s difficult to keep a realistic smile going while I’m vomiting in my mouth- but I’ve pretty much mastered it.

Because of the massive amounts of repression of true emotion that has been building up in me for the past weeks, I’m now starting to lose my mind.  I don’t repress well.  My social filter that keeps every inappropriate and hostile thing that goes through my head from coming out of my mouth is fragile and flawed on my best days- but these past few weeks have put a terrible strain on it and I don’t think it’s going to hold up much longer.  All of my anger towards the bullshit of this stupid season is now flying off in every other direction so I can keep the “Holiday Cheer” intact- and it’s sincerely driving me crazy.  But yesterday was the last straw… and I think my black fury has finally been unleashed.

Yesterday, Sully and I had x-mas shopping to do.  I knew it would be crazy- the Saturday afternoon before x-mas in Huntington Beach.  But I wasn’t prepared for what we entered into.  It was like stepping onto a battlefield with only a butter knife as a weapon.  It took 4 hours to buy 2 gift cards and a blanket.  4 mother fucking hours!!! I almost got in 2 wrecks, and the expansive parking lot of the last mall we went to was so completely full that we could barely get near it (we couldn’t even get into the actual parking lot).  Towards the end of our shopping fiasco, Sully saw the change in my eyes.  So he put 2Pac on the car stereo, cranked it up loud, and said “Get us out of here, Mom”. Our “Happy Holidays” shopping adventure ended with me screaming every obscenity I knew (and regular words used in the most obscene ways) at my automotive adversaries, and as my Swan Song I chucked my almost full cup of coffee out of my moving car at an opposing moving car that nearly sideswiped me- exploding onto their back side window.  The whole last 45 minutes was filled with me chanting to Sully “Do as I say, not as I do”.  THIS is what Christmas does to me.

But it’s not just the Christmas Season that’s making me nuts… it’s the Christmas season living here.  Southern California makes me tired.  It makes me sleepwalk more than ever and isolate.  It wears out every fiber of my being, and it’s making me react to situations in bizarre and outlandish ways.  I’ve been here for over 3 years, and I just can’t adjust.  Last week, some Ed Hardy Douchebag with bad tattoos and a monster SUV almost ran into me while I was coming out of a parking lot, then cut me off twice in traffic, and THEN started following me home and tailgating me.  This went on for almost 10 minutes.  I had Sully in the car with me, and this rancid pile of SoCal garbage was endangering my child’s life with his ‘driving games’.   So I pulled a sharp left into a residential neighborhood, threw the car into ‘park’ and jumped out just as that asshole was turning to follow me into the neighborhood.  And I charged his moving car.  On foot.  Screaming “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU”.  I ran at full speed towards his headlights, fully prepared to pull off one of my cowboy boots and smash his head in with it.  He hit the brakes fast, threw his car into reverse, backed out of the residential neighborhood into oncoming traffic and sped away fast.  Once I got back into the car, I explained to Sully that the other driver was repeatedly putting us in danger with his games and was trying to follow us home (which is scary)- so I had to show him that he wasn’t allowed to threaten us like that.  And sometimes, if threatened, if you act like you’re insane- the aggressor will back off.  But at that moment- I don’t think I was acting.  I think I sincerely lost it.  THIS is what California does to me.

I know we’re not moving anywhere anytime soon.  Sully is doing amazing in school.  I have a wonderful job with the best boss.  We have a great house in a safe neighborhood.  And the high cost of living keeps us from being able save any money at all to put towards moving.  So we’re here.  For a long time.  But I still look at real estate sites almost every night.  I look at the prices of farms outside Kansas City.  I look at the beautiful old gingerbread homes that cost the same as what my neighbors paid for their car.  I torture myself with images of quiet isolation in the Great Plains where my mortgage would only be $400 a month for 15 acres of flat glorious land where I could have a pet cow, a few fainting goats, and a herd of cats.   A magical place where no one has ever heard of “Affliction” or “Ed Hardy”, I will never have someone say to me with pride “Back when I was a junkie”, the largest vehicle for miles is a tractor instead of a Hummer, and the nearest Starbucks is 40 minutes away.   Modern society and all it’s backwards bullshit wouldn’t find me out there.  It wouldn’t bother to look.

But for now… there’s only a week left until x-mas hits, and then it’s all over until next year.  Everyone cross a finger or 2 that I can keep it together for that long.  Because a straight-jacket is not on my x-mas list.

What I did over my Christmas vacation….

Ever seen that Chevy Chase movie “Christmas Vacation”?  That’s kindof what my past week has been.  And if I had not had the emotional security blanket of my mom and dad’s presence during this past week, I would be locked up in a padded room right now.  Let me tell you a little tale of woe….

Brad, Sully and I were all going to go back to my hometown in Kansas for the holidays.  I LOVE being at my parent’s house.  The first thing I usually do is fall asleep on the couch because I’m so comfortable there (sleep isn’t an easy thing for me- but I konk out at the drop of a hat in their house).  So I was really excited, and I REALLY needed the break.  Weeks of stress, and strife, and making christmas presents, and trip planning, and getting all my ducks in a row was coming to an end- an end that I would lovingly embrace.

The day before we leave, I realize that Sully forgot to take his anti-rage-kid pill.  This was the start of a bad trip.  If he forgets to take his pill, the next day he’s a TOTAL handful… hyper, and filled with pre-teen angst and belligerent hatred.  So I prepared myself for a really rough airport day, put my game face on, and told myself “I can handle it because at the end of our flights, I’ll be safe at my parent’s house”.  But yes, the 2 flights and hours at the airports was painful, and filled with much Sully anger. I should have seen this as an omen… but I was too blinded by the thrill of being back in the nest to see the signs.

The day after we got to Kansas was relaxing and uneventful- which lead me to further let my guard down.  We picked up our rental car, ran around some with the folks, Sully was picked up by his dad for a few days of quality “father/son time”… and I could breathe.

At around 7am the next morning (which is 5am California time- which my body was still on), my mom pops her head into me and Brad’s room and says “Honey, I have some bad news”.  Apparently there was a storm during the night.  And a tree fell on our rental car.  Now, to look at the rest of my parent’s neighborhood, you would have never known there was a storm… not a single branch or leaf was out of place anywhere else… except on our rental car…. which was smashed to oblivion.  Let me illustrate with photos:

Yup.... god smacked us down.

Normally, I get the full insurance package from the rental car place.  But I was informed by my personal car insurance provider that rental cars are covered by insurance.  What they didn’t tell me was that was after a $500 deductible.  Awesomeness.  So that day was spent on the phone with the rental car agency, my insurance provider, and the credit card people that I used to rent the car because they cover rental car insurance as well. Hours and hours of figuring the mess out… and hours and hours of waiting for the rental car people to bring me a new car.  But I would not give up hope.  Things were still going to be good.

The next day, Brad went up to the town we used to live in to see some friends while I hung out with my parents.  On his way home, I was talking to him on the phone when he said “Fuck- I’m getting pulled over”.  This wouldn’t have been a problem, except that he was speeding, and a couple weeks ago he had lost his drivers licence, and our proof of insurance was at home with me because of all the calls I had to make the previous day.  $250 ticket for speeding and driving without a licence (but the cop was nice enough to not tag him for no proof of insurance).  So now we’re $750 in the hole, and we’re only 3 days into our vacation.

Should I go on?  Because every day after this had some kind of event like this.  My dad and I were going to get started on my taxes, but Quickbooks flaked out and I have to re-enter 6 months worth of invoices, bills, banking transactions, and inventory.  I ran Sully’s Ipod through the washer and dryer (which his Ipod is the only thing that calms him down when he’s in one of his “I’m dedicated to being an asshole” moods).  My parent’s plumbing backed up and caused my poor stressed out mother to have a bit of a breakdown.  My older brother got sick and spent days vomiting.  I got the flu and spent days with a fever.  In the midst of my fever, I had to make multiple trips to my lawyers office to readjust my will and figure out everything that will happen to me and my things when I die (not something you want to deal with when you feel like that moment could go down at any minute).  And so on, and so on.

BUT I got to hang out with my family.  And if my parents weren’t there through all of it, I really would have totally lost my mind.  And I got to hang out with my adorable nephews- who all loved the totally retarded things I made them.

2 Things I did discover while laying on the couch in a fevered state is that:  #1. The show “Hey, Paula” is amazing… but not for the reasons they want it to be amazing- but because Paula Abdul is a clueless horrifying diva nightmare who deserves all the trauma that can be thrown at her (they had a marathon on tv, and I watched about 4 hours worth) and #2. Dick Clark is the most terrifying creature that has ever walked the earth.  Did anyone else watch the ball drop on TV and see the Dick Clark Zombie?  FFFUUUCCCKKK!!!!! That guy is totally going to give me nightmares.

But we got back home this morning.  We had to be up at 3:45 in the morning to get the car packed and be to the airport for our 6am flight… and I still haven’t slept.  My Daisy kitten has never gone this long without me, and she hasn’t left my side or stopped screaming and crying since I got home.  She used to be the asshole of the family, but is now the most lovey and cuddly creature on the planet.

So yes, my holiday vacation was filled with trauma… but at the same time, being home with my family made it all worth it.  Thank you, mom and dad, for enduring all of my bullshit.  I promise that next year will be less stressful.

I will now leave you with a couple holiday photos:

My nephew Declan in the hat I made him

Sully and I in matching headbands Michelle made us, being totally tough

Me in my headband and with my new vintage PINK phone!!!!!

How to do the holidays when you’re BROKE….

We are all broke.  Every one of us.  And those of you reading this who aren’t… consider yourself lucky to ASTOUNDING degrees.  Seriously.  (Why dont tax refunds come at the beginning of December?  Will someone explain that to me…)

Being broke any other time of the year is depressing enough… but when it’s the holidays, and you’re trying to get presents for all your friends and family, and you’ve got $22 in the bank that has to last until your paycheck comes in next week… it kindof makes you want to vomit everywhere.  So I’m going to post links and tips that I’ve used this season, because I’m one of those people with $22 in the bank on the verge of vomit.

The first thing I did this xmas season was send out a mass email to all my family members telling them that everyone was getting hand-made presents this year… so if they were hoping for gift cards or electronics, then they’re shit-outta-luck.  I did this so that they could get their fake “oh, I really love your craptastic gift” faces ready for when they open their presents.  I found it only fair.  After that email was properly delivered, I threw myself into a crafty tornado.

First…. if you’ve got little ones in your family, they’re easy.  Seriously… kids toys are some of the simplest things on the planet to make.  Just pay attention to what they like, and go from there.  For example… my 3 year old nephew looooves toy food, and he looooves anything with a smiley face on it.  So boom- I made him happy play food.  All you need is some sheets of felt from any craft store (about a $0.25 a sheet), and a little free time (which I know is rare for all of us… but if it keeps me from going further into debt, I’ll stay up a couple extra hours at night).  I got all my ideas from doing some simple searches on flickr of “plush animals”, and went from there….. here’s what I made:

From left to right: Chocolate Cupcake; 1/2 dozen crocheted happy eggs; happy cake slice; happy apple, happy vanilla cupcake, and a couple of giddy fried eggs in the center.  If you know how to crochet, the eggs were a breeze… just make ovals, and put faces on them.  The cupcakes were actually from a pattern I found on flicker from a company called “Fantastic Toys”, and can be found here and here

They’re super easy to make, and soooooo cute!  The happy food took a little time to make… but all of it cost me less than $3.  AND I’d like to think that a hand made gift means a little more than some plastic piece of crap bought at Wal-mart.

Now, I don’t know how all of you feel about Martha Stewart, but she has become one of my favorite little felons.  Her website is CRAWLING with all kinds of stuff to make people for the holidays. Do you have a lady in your family or circle of friends who likes all those girly bath products that cost a million bucks?  Surprise… they cost pennies to make.  Seriously.  Here are links to the “how to’s” on how to make them:

• Scented Body Scrub
• Bath Snow Balls
• Bath Fizzies

You can buy plain glass jars at the dollar store, put the bath products in there and tie it up with a bow.  The cost?… a few bucks for the whole present.  Awesome, right?

Does your dad want some slippers?  Make them out of felt HERE or doctor up a nice pair of wool socks HERE. (You may not like Martha, but you can’t argue that she’s a genius when it comes to this stuff).

If you’ve got kids, then it’s a breeze to make things for the grandparents.  I found at my art store acrylic enamel paint.  This stuff is awesome.  Basically, you take any plain ceramic dishes or coffee mugs you have laying around, paint whatever you want on them with the enamel and then bake them in the oven… and POOF!  Personalized dinnerwear and coffee mugs.  The kind I got was “Liquitex: Glossies”, and they come in tons of colors.  Have your little ones make coffee mugs for Grandma and Grandpa… or make funny dishes for your friends.  You can buy stencils and use them if you’re not comfortable with your “painting skills”.  Each bottle of the enamel costs about $3, and if you’re in need of blank dinnerwear- just go to the Salvation Army or Goodwill store.  They have oodles.  Total cost for each painted item- about $5.

If you’ve got dollar stores or a “Big Lots” in your area, you can get picture frames for REALLY cheap (Big Lots has super nice ones that would cost you $25 at “Michael’s” for only $5-$7).  The colors of them are usually super ugly… so just fix that with a little spray paint and frame some special photo for that special someone.  I did this in my bedroom, and framed color print-outs of cupcakes that matched my bedroom’s colors.

It’s not hard… and really, when you add up all the time you would spend running from store to store getting the presents, and all the time you have to spend at work to make the money you would use to buy the expensive store-bought gifts… and then compare that amount of time to how long it would take to make some presents- you’ll find out that it really takes less time to make something than it takes to buy it (and you won’t be financially traumatized for the new year).

Just a few suggestions from me to you.  Why?  Cuz I love you.

Off to work I go.

Little Bird Baby Hat I made for my 1-year-old nephew... hee hee!!

(ps…. if anyone wants directions on how to make any of the happy food, I’m more than happy to share!! Just let me know and I’ll post them on here!    )