How many times can an adult hurt themselves in an insane way for them to officially be considered a cartoon character?

…Big Audio- “The Globe” (I will never ever get sick of this song)

My clumsiness has become a running joke between me and my loved ones (mostly my loves ones, because I really don’t think it’s that funny).  I am covered face to feet with scars from my tumbles, have permanent damage to my brain from these spills, almost killed myself 3 times with incidents involving my long hair getting caught in things, and now have a cane on hand for when my knees give out due to past clumsy antics.  Yes, I’m a mess.

With that being said, here’s today’s story.  Sully got a Wii from Brad’s parents for x-mas.  I decided that I would hook it up today.  So I went into his room to get it, and as I’m walking out I slipped on the lid to his laundry basket and did a full Steve Martin half-flip with a twist, and landed square on my bad knee.  For about 5 seconds, I laid there motionless, thinking I was going to projectile vomit from the pain… but once the nausea had passed, the screaming of obscenities ensued (along with rolling around on the floor and punching all the walls that were near me).  Sully comes running into his room, a look of sincere and frantic concern on his face.  And as I’m rolling around on the ground, clutching my already swelling knee and screaming at the top of my lungs in agony… he says to me, “Is the Wii ok?”

Yes…. the fucking Wii was ok.

This is where I stand in my son’s priority scale.  As soon as he said it, he realized those were the wrong words to come out of his mouth at that moment.  And I answered him with “Walk away.  Now.”

And he quickly did.

Earlier today, I was reading all my news and what-not, and there was a headline that made me laugh out loud.  Not in a “happy happy giggle-fest” kindof way… but in a “holy shit, people are really really stupid” kindof way.  It was this article here:  “Bristol Palin goes on record saying “Teen Pregnancy Not Ideal”

Really?????? First of all, I am soooooooooo sick of the Palins’.  I’m more sick of Sarah and her family than I have ever been of anyone ever in my entire life.  She’s like that guy from highschool that I went out with once because I couldn’t bring myself to turn him down, and then he kept calling for weeks and giving gifts and was outside all my classes and even after I got a boyfriend would still leave notes in my locker etc etc etc.  She has been rejected by our country- but she’s still calling obsessively saying “No please really… just give me a chance… I’m really the one you want… PLEASE…. I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH…. JUST LET ME PROVE IT TO YOU…. I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY…. PPPPLLLLLEEEEEAAAASSSEEEEE!!!!!!!!”.  The patheticness of it is uncomfortable and a gigantic turn-off.

But back to her stupid daughter.  What the hell was she expecting?  Having a baby isn’t like getting a kitten.  It’s a little helpless human being.  And it’s HARD WORK.  There isn’t a teenager on this planet who should have to take on the struggles of being a parent.  That is why there is abortion and adoption and the pill and condoms and spermicidal gel and hormonal patches etc etc etc.  These are all things that should be HEAVILY emphasized in school and in the home and in church and everywhere else so that teenagers don’t have to grow up so damn fast, and so that these babies don’t have to be raised by parents who are NOT NOT NOT emotionally and mentally mature enough to take on the massive challenge of raising a child.  I feel really sorry for Bristol Palin, and for her boyfriend who had no idea the trouble he was getting himself into when he decided to get it on with S.P.’s daughter.  To all the parents reading this- go give your kid an industrial sized carton of condoms right now.  For all the teenagers reading this- go buy yourself an industrial sized carton of condoms right now- and use them EVERY TIME.  I don’t care if it “kills the mood”.  A screaming baby will “kill the mood” for the next 18 years.  Chew on that.

Back to the Wii.  I got a “Wii Fit” for x-mas.  It is rude.  It mocks me because of my crappy balance.  It calls me a “couch potato” and is condescending when letting me know that I didn’t fare well on one of it’s stupid challenges.  But there is no way for me to tell it to fuck off.  I’d like to start a petition to make this product a little more interactive, and allow me to slap the shit out of my “personal trainer” when she gets a little too catty.  Is there anyone else out there who would like to send letters to nintendo with me?  Because I really don’t think this kind of attitude is necessary in my quest to better myself.

I will leave you tonight with a photo of me and my mother.  She thought we were taking a nice picture, and she smiled really pretty.  She should have known that I don’t ever take “nice pictures”, and I didn’t smile pretty.  Sorry, Mom, for ruining- yet another- nice picture.

HHHEEEEYYY!!! Yeah, you!!! Pay attention!!!….

If you don’t watch this video, and then follow the links on it, and then participate in the most important election we’ve had in DECADES, I will hate you.  I will really really really hate you.  I will think you’re a scumbag who is far too lazy and selfish to be allowed to breathe, and I’ll find the most vengeful religion out there and become one of their members just so I can say prayers every night for my new vengeful God-buddy to give you gout and genital warts and pink-eye and degenerative gum disease and split ends.

Don’t make me have to have a God-buddy.  Just find it in yourself to give a shit about the rest of the world’s population, and allow yourself to have a voice.  Because it’s the only time the government is listening.

And if you DON’T vote, then you can never ever ever voice your opinion about anything that the President fucks up, because you didn’t do a single thing to make it better.  So if you’d like the option of having an opinion, go register to vote (which you can do online… right now… time’s running out), and then go vote on election day. If you don’t vote, I’ll even make my son hate you.  Why?  Because I’m his mom, and he does what I tell him too.  You’ll be hated by children… that’s how horrible of a person you’ll become.

Don’t make us hate you.

That is all.

The ignorance is spectacular to the point of nausea….

In the hour that it takes me to actually wake up in the morning, while I drink cup after cup of coffee, I go on the almighty interweb and read the news.  It’s entertaining.  Then, I go onto the blog sites and read the public’s response to the news- which usually has me rolling.  Every once in a while, I’ll find some intelligent posting… but sadly, it’s rare.

This morning, however, I kindof wanted to puke.  I found the blog site of Melanie Morgan, a laid-off radio talk show host who occassionally does spots on Fox News (does that tell you a little about her political standings?).  Her writings were bland and redundant… mainly rallying support for the troops (which is a good thing- but these idiots don’t understand that you can support the troops and oppose the war at the same time, and ACTUALLY the best way to support the troops IS to oppose the war and get them home to their families where they belong…. duh!!).

The thing about her site that stopped me in my tracks was the merch she had for sale on it.  Let me just post for you a couple of her bumper stickers…..

Brad seems to think this is just a political cartoon, and not something to be offended by because there are women who are participating in the suicide bombing attempts.  Maybe it’s because at my old office job years ago, I worked with women who dealt with daily hatred bombardment from the general public’s ignorance because of their religion and the fact that they dressed this way.  I think that propagating this kind of imagery only creates a hostile environment for those who have no part in the violence.  Those women I worked with just wanted to live in peace in a country that claims “freedom of religion for all”, and not be punished for the actions of others.  Maybe I’m taking it a bit too much to heart… but I find this kind of propaganda ignorant and uncalled for.

Then there was this one about Palin, which I found beautiful:

Um…. yeah…. so?  That’s exactly what she is, and she makes me more and more ashamed every day to be a part of the same gender as her.  The conservatives call this a “racist statement”… I call it dead-on accurate.  And fucking hilarious.  But what’s more hilarious, is that in this next image (which is a yard sign), they seem to take pride in the fact that she’s a gun-toting moron….

Gross.  The fact that people are still backing her after her blatent incompetence and ignorance to the key issues of our country blows my mind!!  Even major conservative columnists (Kathleen Parker) who had her back in the begining are begging for her to step down!!  How can people STILL be into her?  I just don’t get it.  She IS a gun-loving bitter bible-thumping white person… to the most generic degree.  Vomit.

Now I’ve had my coffee.  Read my news.  And it’s back to work I go.