Oh vengeful mucus, will I ever be free of you? (or alternately titled “Get your knife out of my face, dear”)

21 Feb

This fucking sickness is getting really old. I know it’s only been about a week- but holy christ…. how much vitamin C and echinacea do I have to ingest to rid my body of this crap? Ya know when you’re at the supermarket, and there’s that nasty little 3 year old whose nose and upper lip is bright red and encrusted in snot, while layers of new wet drippy ooze is forever flowing like a magical fountain out of their nostrils to add to the ever-growing stalagmites of dried-up drainage? That’s me. At one point yesterday I just shoved a kleenx up each nostril and cruised around like that for about an hour. I may have looked like a complete reject- but it’s better than looking like that vile crusty 3 year old.

On another note, my husband got a new knife. He is very excited about this knife. It’s of the switchblade variety. Why is he so excited about this? Does it make him feel safer when he’s roaming the Starbuck’s and 7-11’s in the suburbs of Huntington Beach? Does he use it to throw while blindfolded in carnie acts? No….. he’s excited because one of his sources of entertainment (besides playing me ZZTop on his guitar) is flipping the knife open and acting like he’s going to stab me. He really gets a big kick out of this. And he does it whenever he can. First thing in the morning, I’ll be walking into my office with my first cup of coffee for the day, barely able to form words yet- and there he is… standing there with the biggest shit-eating grin, pointing that goddamn knife at my face. Why is it so funny to act like your going to stab your wife with a switchblade? I don’t know. But I made the mistake of reacting to it the first time he did it. I’ve found that (much like with toddlers) if I react at all to these negative behaviors, those behaviors become cemented into the daily ritual until he gets bored with it. So I fucked up, and told him he was a gonad the first time he stuck that knife in my face… and now I get the knife-threats on a daily basis (along with him giggling like a drooling mental patient every time he does it). I’m just really glad that he’s forgotten about the high-powered BB-gun that he used to shoot at me while blasting Limp Bizkit…. that one got really old REALLY fucking fast. But to counter these behaviors, I’ve started throwing punches at his crotch. I’ve only nailed him once (by accident, of course)… and I seriously never really intend to hit him- it’s just supposed to scare him into stopping whatever it is he’s doing that is driving me totally out of my mind. And it does scare him. And it does make him stop (even if it’s just for a few minutes). Boys and their balls… you fellas have no idea how fully vulnerable you are at any given time. You have all made such a dramatic production about ballsack-protection that we ladies know where your weakness is. You’ve exposed us to your kryptonite, and we aren’t afraid to use it. So Brad, my darling- put your knife away, and keep it put away… or next time I’m make sure to aim dead-on and pop your sack.

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11 Responses to “Oh vengeful mucus, will I ever be free of you? (or alternately titled “Get your knife out of my face, dear”)”

  1. Candice February 21, 2008 at 8:02 pm #

    oh my gawwwwd. If Limp Bizkit were blaring any where near me I think I would have grabbed the gun and shot myself! Of course, the fact that it was only a BB gun would mean that I would have to shoot myself about a billion times and even then it would only result in trip to the ER to have the tiny things removed. Nonetheless…anything to take me away from that jerk off Fred Durst.

  2. Kristen Ferrell February 21, 2008 at 11:43 pm #

    the BB’s i can handle…. the Limp Bizkit, on the other hand- i cannot.

  3. wunnspeed February 22, 2008 at 12:13 am #

    That would get old really, really fast with me too. Hell, I worry about turning around with a knife in my hand and accidentally stabbing my wife. Damn, sometimes it sucks to be a sensitive guy.

  4. Tawni February 22, 2008 at 5:34 am #

    I had the flu last week- I was lying in bed with Kleen-exes shoved in both nostrils too! It was running out all over the pillow. I felt so shitty that I didn’t really care about the pillow, but it was impossible to sleep while it was oozing down my face. You have my hugest sympathy. I hope you kick it soon.

    I never take antibiotics, but the husband made me go to the doctor and the doc said I actually had a horrible infection, so you might go for this one. I know you are a “let the illness run its course,” holistically minded person like myself, (I usually megadose on vitamin C, garlic, echinacea for the immune system, add 100% juice to water to make myself want to chug it all day, even though I normally don’t drink juice, no immune system lowering alcohol, tons of sleep, etc…) but this bug is a vicious thing.

    I usually just blow my nose a lot and deal with it and I haven’t taken antibiotics since the early-mid nineties, because I think that our culture is antibiotic crazy, which has lead to antibiotic-resistant strains of everything, but I needed them this time. This was the illness I was saving up my once-a-decade antibiotics card for- seriously. If you don’t start feeling better soon, you might consider going to the doctor for it. I once let a sinus infection turn into pneumonia by resisiting the doctor for three weeks of a flu-started sinus infection. Bleh.

    At the doctor, I said, “I thought you had to have a flu thing for a while before it turns into an infection?” because a virus isn’t treatable by antibiotics (which is why I never go to the doctor when I’m sick- they just say “Drink fluids, get rest, give me $100 now,” and I leave, wishing I could have just listened to my mother tell me that shit and at least give my money to a family member). He said “Oh, you went right into the infection part, almost immediately. I can see it running down the back of your throat, your glands are swollen and it’s in your kidneys…” Yikes! Within three days of antibiotics, I was back on my feet. Not 100% but much better.

    Now I’m dealing with all of the fun imbalances of the stomach and girl stuff that antibiotics give us (another reason I don’t take them for every little thing) because they kill the good intestinal and vaginal bacteria, as well as the evil ones trying to overpower your system. But it was worth it because I can function again and the damned phlegm river has dried up! Lots of yogurt, cranberry juice and Monistat (eeeew) for this girl… sigh.

    I’ll stop babbling now, but feel better, feel better, feel better! And I hope your kick to the nards makes your dear hubby stop reenacting the Outsiders for you. I scared the shit out of mine with a giant fake plastic spider the other day, which I would recommend, but Brad would probably just stab it and chuckle gleefully if you tried that, right? 🙂

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxo.

  5. Ashley February 22, 2008 at 7:53 am #

    We all had the flu last week, the only thing that helped clear up our mucous was the neti pot. You just put like 1/4 teaspoon of salt in warm water in the pot, and let it flow through your sinuses, I could actually breathe for a few hours after. They have those nifty things now, it’s like a squeeze bottle thing, I haven’t used that though. You gotta have zinc too. And b vitamins!

  6. bobby d February 22, 2008 at 9:35 am #

    hahaha. “pop your sack”

  7. Kristen Ferrell February 22, 2008 at 12:18 pm #

    tawni…. i have an appointment for my yearly checkup on monday anyways (and to try to get some insight on why nothing has seemed to get better with my head from the “head bash” situation that happened a couple year ago- I still have the headaches and eye twitches and studdering… uugghh). but i’ll have the doc check out my sick-stuff while i’m in there. i HHHAAATTEE antibiotics too. and they give me all the same side effects that you’re going through- gross. i hardly EVER go to the doctor (this will be the first “yearly check up” that i’ve been to in 7 years- oops!). hopefully i won’t need the antibiotics.

    and the only way i can counter brad’s poor behavior (besides throwing punches at his sack) is by ramming my thumb as hard as i can into his belly button. this makes him go bonkers with discomfort. but he is now used to this trick, and always has his guard up. i’ve got to find new ways to torture him.

  8. orionsreason February 23, 2008 at 10:12 am #

    I pull my husbands leg hair…seems to do the trick if he’s wearing shorts. Otherwise it’s the arm hair.

  9. Kristen Ferrell February 23, 2008 at 4:15 pm #

    ooooh… he caught onto that one long ago, and he’s a quick little fucker. whenever he sees my hand go for his legs, he darts away at the speed of light (so i can only really use that one when he’s asleep).

  10. Dee Stroi February 24, 2008 at 7:33 pm #

    You should get a medal for putting up with your husband. *lol* Hit him in the pressure points. One of my ex boyfriends used to think this was hilarious to do to me. He did this one where he jabbed me with two fingers right between my neck and my shoulder and it made me fall to the ground instantaneously. I hated it! He also used to think shooting me with a bb gun was hilarious. The things we have to put up with! Little do they know that we can strike back hard. 😉 One time my ex lit a bunch of firecrackers in the basement to scare me. I had no clue what the hell was going on. I thought someone was shooting a gun or something. Then I saw him cracking up and I knew he did it. I was so hopped up on adrenaline I started screaming at him and throwing things then I did a roundhouse kick to his head (he was 6’3″) and laid him out on the ground. then I kept kicking him. haha i never knew i had it in me.

  11. Jamie February 29, 2008 at 2:06 am #

    when i am sick, i always cram kleenax up my nostrils. it’s the only way i can find comfort, and sometimes if the kleenax is in just one nostril i can actually breathe better.

    a friend of mine while drunk once was going on about how he could kill me. then he suggested the same about my cat. i wasn’t too amused.

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