If you wanna be a musician when you grow up, you may have to work for Jesus…

31 Mar

When you ask highschool kids “if you could be anything in the world when you grow up, what would you be”… you’d hear alot of them saying “I want to be a musician”.  The shows and the travel and the fans (and all the “what happens on tour stays on tour” things that go along with it).  But what the kiddies don’t see about the musician lifestyle is what the musicians have to do when they AREN’T on tour.  This is when their life becomes a little more stressful than the average working guy’s.

Band’s don’t make jack-shit off record sales unless they sell TONS of them (especially now that everything is downloadable and burnable, and can be obtained from the internet for free), or they have some crazy contract- and even with the crazy contract, the money from it really isn’t worth a damn.  And this is ESPECIALLY true when you’re in a punk band (like my husband is), and all their fans demand that they have all their songs up for free download on Myspace or else they lose “punk cred” or some lame ass bullshit like that (I guess it isn’t punk to support your favorite band by actually paying for the music that they create so that you can stay “punk”).  So bands make their money touring. This is how they survive and are able to keep making that music that the fans demand for free.  (Excuse my jadedness with this- but I’ve had to sit back and listen to all the “punk” debates for YEARS AND YEARS, and it makes me want shove knives in my ears just so I don’t ever have to listen to it again).

I don’t want to get too off track here because my story is pretty fucking funny (or at least I think so).  Sooooo, when bands aren’t on tour they run into the problem of “What the fuck am I supposed to do for money for the next 6 months until the next tour?” (especially if members of that band have a family to help support, as is the case of my husband).  So they get odd jobs that they don’t care about losing because they’ll have to quit them and go back on the road in a few months, because the odd jobs really only pay enough to get by.

My husband has been working the “odd jobs” for the past couple months, as he always does between tours… working at clubs, working for production crews, etc.  Daily pay type things.  Then, last week he saw an add posted for the “Trinity Broadcasting Network” looking for people to handle the call-in donations during their telethon.  We both laughed really hard and screamed “Fuck yeah!!!”.

This is amazing for alot of reasons.  What my husband does musically for a living is play in a punk band that is beyond confrontational about the government, modern societal norms, and the current state of organized religion… and they’re such rowdy boys that they’ve been banned from not only cities- but countries.  So we thought that it would be just about the funniest thing on the planet if Brad did some temp work for the largest Christian organization on the planet.

I don’t know if this is one of those televised marathon thingys where you can see all the people in the background answering the phones (we don’t have television, so I can’t check and see)…  but if it is, and you go to TBN, you may just see good ol’ Brad Logan in the background smirking while saying “Jesus loves you so much more because of the money you gave us”.   And he told me that he gets $66 a day for 6 days of work.  It makes you wonder who’s really running this multi-billion dollar operation…..

He texted me just now and told me that his job is creepy and hilarious and he’s having the time of his life.  This all cracks me up beyond belief.

Now if I was in a band, this is what I would look like…..

but I enjoy stability, and not having to work for Jesus…. so I just play-pretend to be in a band.  And I play a really mean play-pretend bass.

(Our “band” above is called “The Pointed Shoes”… featuring Lindsey from “Paradise Boys” on guitar; Jen from “Ammunition Affair” and “F-Minus” on drums; Chris from “The Loved Ones” on vocals; Dave from “The Loved Ones” on keyboard, and me on bass…. we’re from Brooklyn, and we fucking rule, and are only going to tour Finland and the Ukraine… but not until 2017).

On another note…. Sully’s spring break is officially over, and I am mentally well again.  From now on, I’m going to plan all out-of-town work-related trips that I “CAN NOT” get out of around his breaks from school… and I’m going to leave him in the hands of Brad and the cats.  Because I just can’t have that many boys in my space for that many hours of the day for that many days in a row.  Period.  I’ve stated my limits… now everyone has to work within them.  Thank you.

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15 Responses to “If you wanna be a musician when you grow up, you may have to work for Jesus…”

  1. whitney March 31, 2008 at 8:59 pm #

    as much as i love playing in a punk band…. i cannot see myself trying to live off of it financially. i mean, i’ve totally come to terms with the fact that we arent going to be the next big awesome band that every country in the world wants to play and live off our record-making money and be rolling in the doe, shooting up heroin in some hotel in hollywood….or something. cha’ know?
    i’ll just stick with my “tard-farming” and hopefully get some fucking degree in nursing or something… or MAYBE even try making some kind of living off of my farts and crafts. who knows. ugh. hah.
    oh, and yeah, punk kids are very demanding… they expect EVERYTHING to be free… they come up to me when i’m watching the merch and straight up ask me to give them a shirt for free. fuckin’ fucks. theyre TOTALLY not supportive of their “fav. local punk bands”. gargggghhaskajshdksjhd!

    i wish i knew what channel brad may be on… i’d totally Tivo that shit and make you a tape! or dvd or whatever. hah.

  2. whitney March 31, 2008 at 9:00 pm #

    we should totally start a band 😉

  3. Tawni April 1, 2008 at 4:11 am #

    Ohhhh, do I understand the musician day job dilemma. I worked so many of what I call “low responsibility” jobs in order to be allowed to have band practices and play shows. The only part that really sucked, aside from the usually low wages, was being in my thirties and working with high school and very young kids. No offense to the very young, it just made me feel weird, like I should be further down some career path than I was. It was just that my chosen career path didn’t really follow a path. There is no guaranteed road to success in the world of music.

    “Hi! I’m the thirty-plus year old loser you’ll be failing to relate or communicate with at this job because we have a huge age gap, nice to meet you. No, I’m not your manager, I’m just an older lady desperately clinging to the idea that I can actually do something I love for a living by playing in a band…”

    I worked at a convenience store for five years because my boss was really cool about giving me time off for band stuff. I tried to work a M-F, 9-5 job in advertising for a year and eventually returned to the convenience store job, despite a large pay cut, because I missed playing music too much. In Frogpond, we packed houses for North American because they would let us do it when we were in town between touring. It was really interesting. We just wrapped people’s things in paper and packed it in boxes all day. I worked at the Subway for a little while too, and lots of other disposable restaurant jobs. I now refuse to work a restaurant job because I’ve worked so many. I am completely burned out on the food services. It would be dangerous for me to be allowed near the food of any human being being rude to me as a restaurant employee.

    So I hope Brad is having a blast answering the phone for Jesus. That is hilarous!! At least he gets to sit all day, right? 🙂

    I also hope that you are regaining your sanity and finding a little peace now that Mr. Energy Boy has somewhere else to channel some of his kiddie questions. I am already feeling the life being sucked out of me that way, and mine is only two. Gah. “Momma! Mommy! Mouw Mouw! Moo Moo! Mee Mee! Mo Mo! Mommmeee! Momma!” He’s already started doing that- all the different versions of Momma, with giggles in between, all while tugging on my pants and jumping up and down. It was funny the first eight thousand times… and my dark under eye circles just grow and grow…

    Have a productive, happy, restful day. 🙂 xoxoxoxoxoxoxo.

  4. Tawni April 1, 2008 at 4:18 am #

    P.S. How hot do you look playing a bass? Seriously- cool photo. I would totally go see the Pointed Shoes. I love that only the Telecaster git has color in the photo, too.

    I want a Telecaster… it’s my favorite Fender. I had a really cool bright pink one with paisley all over it in a silver, gorgeous papery print once. Then I saw Melissa Etheridge in a magazine picture holding one. I took it to Mass Street Music the next day and traded it in on my silver sparkle Epiphone Casino.

    Nothing against Ms. Etheridge, it’s just that I didn’t want to hear the comparisons. People do that enought to female musicians. (“You remind me of… (insert latest popular female musician that sounds nothing like yourself here)!!”

    The Pointed Shoes RAWWWWKS! WOO! 🙂

  5. melancholymonday April 1, 2008 at 5:32 am #

    Oh… My… Goodness I am SO watching the “Praise-A-Thon” now! I cannot stand “Christian” television. Although Joel Osteen is awesome. She’s giving a speal right now and I’m looking for the phone bank……

  6. Lemissa April 1, 2008 at 7:44 am #

    You RAWK with that bass! You should totally run with the Pointed Shoes…a punk Spinal Tap…don’t play shit, just have photo shoots and record release parties, but release somebody else’s music! I don’t know, I just want to see more of you on a stage rockin’ out!

  7. aprilfalling April 1, 2008 at 9:28 am #

    what channel is Bradley on?? i have to watch this shit!! hahahahaaaaaaaaaa wow. this better not be an April fools joke!!!!

  8. Kristen Ferrell April 1, 2008 at 3:29 pm #

    Whitney… can i just tell you that if i hear one more fucking punk kid complain about how $9 is too much to see a 5 band show, or bitch about how the t-shirts are over $12 i’m going to start fucking killing people???!!!! ESPECIALLY since those fucking punker kids are wearing expensive leather jackets, studded belts, and combat boots. ESPECIALLY since every other band on the planet charges AT LEAST $18 for shirts and about that much to go see a 2 band bill. ESPECIALLY since the majority of them are still in highschool, living with their parents, have no major life expenses, and will spend more than that on cigarettes in a matter of days. they bitch and moan and throw down the “they sold out” bullshit if things cost more than $10… but are too fucking stupid to realize that with gas being $3.50 a gallon, to drive a tour van across the country costs a fortune. and if you have to pay $6 a shirt just to get them made, selling them for $8 each doesn’t make a fuck of alot of sense when the opening bands, merch people, and band members all have to come home with enough money to survive or else they can’t afford to tour anymore. AND ESPECIALLY when the punk bands can only play all-ages clubs because the kids are still in highschool, and those venues don’t pay the bands shit because they’re “all-ages” and make no money on liquor sales.
    if a band goes on tour for a month, and doesn’t make enough money to cover that month they were away, plus the next few months that they aren’t going to be touring- it’s not worth it to go on the road. and noone wants to tour all year long- that destroys relationships and families. it’s common fucking sense, people. not being able to pay your bills ISN’T punk. not being able to help feed your family ISN’T punk. not being able to take care of yourself just so a bunch of spoiled kids can say “yeah, i saw that band play live” ISN’T punk. and all this is compounded when some of these band members have families (and in our case, a kid who has “special needs”- which makes everything 10 times more expensive). so these “punk” kids need to be fucking grateful that the people in the bands don’t tell the kids to go suck balls when the whining and complaining of “whaaaaa, i don’t want to pay $12 to see 5 bands… whaaaaaa bla bla bla bla”.
    ESPECIALLY when it costs at least $25 to see Henry Rollins babble for an hour, and the shows are always sold out.

    not many bands are as accommodating as my husband’s is to all this bullshit.
    fuck knows i wouldn’t be.

  9. Kristen Ferrell April 1, 2008 at 3:43 pm #

    and to Tawni… brad has been in the “temp job” situation forever. that’s the major downfall of dedicating your life to music (or whatever arts you do)- the instability. brad’s been on the road for close to 20 years… and that leaves no time to set up much of a future or stable job situation if you’re never home. it’s amazing that he gets to do what he loves for a living… but with that comes a huge sacrifice. and like you said- the older you get, the harder it is when you come home to try to keep things stable.
    and i wouldn’t be able to own any of the same items as melissa etheridge. i have nothing against her as a person, but her music makes me want to claw my ears out.

    and no, april… brad’s jesus job isn’t an april fools joke. it’s completely legit. but i don’t know if he can be seen answering the phones. they probably have him tucked in a separate room along with all the other “questionable looking” characters (because i’m sure there are quite a few of them working there). haha!!!

  10. whitney April 1, 2008 at 9:19 pm #

    it’s so great how the “i’m more punk than you” arguements never get old…. it’s just such an aggravating thing…. but there’s really not much you can do about it that will help change it… more and more of the “meathead” type spoiled, douche-jocks are becoming “punk” and take it all to another extreme. some shows seem to be their ticket to a free beating on smaller people who are they to enjoy the music and support the bands. it’s all just a contest to see who has the most patches or the biggest mohawk, and yes, but they can’t afford $7 for a t-shirt?? we fucking sell our cds for $5!!!!!!!! 5 fucking dollars!! for 11 songs… and THATS too much. our CDs are one of the cheapest things we have. and what else gets me is that youd think that if someone really dug a band, theyd support them by getting their music….. but theyd rather get more patches to put all over their jackets just to show that they like this band… oh, but i dont have any of their cds to tell you what they sound like…. “just go on their myspace, but theyre not my friends”…..lasjdasljdaslkdasjldkasjd… i can go on and on and on and ON about this shit. but i will just end up pissing myself off. hah.
    spoiled little bitches.
    i really really do admire brad (and your entire family) having to put up with that!!

    fo’ realz G.

  11. melancholymonday April 2, 2008 at 6:08 am #

    Yeah, they definately weren’t showing the phone bank. The lady had on a very nice dress suit, nails, perfect hair, etc. and she was on TV asking people for money. *yuck* If you want to “bless” people, fine. But don’t ask them to pay for it.

  12. Kristen Ferrell April 2, 2008 at 8:31 am #

    yeah… brad says that he’s in a separate room. but he can tell what’s going on during the telethon, because at random times he’ll get a ton of calls in for donations for all the same amount. like the preacher out there is screaming “Seven is the number of the lord… and if you want to see the lord when you die, you’ve got to call in with $77.. PRAISE JESUS”… and then a ton of calls will come in with pledges for $77. He says most of the time it’s hilarious… like the old guy who wanted to pledge $0.50, but didn’t know his address or phone number. But sometimes it’s totally heartbreaking because he’s getting calls in from really desperate people who actually think that if they give this multi-billion dollar corporation their savings, their cancer will get better, or their wife won’t leave them, or their kid will get off drugs. it’s just mean.
    and they have these “blessing scripts” that brad showed me….they’re SO creepy!! one for people to re-dedicate their lives, and another for new “followers”. so brad, the atheist on an hourly wage, is able to bless these people and take their money in the name of the lord. it’s totally nuts. but this has nothing to do with any sort of spirituality… this is just a scam so that people with too much money can make more money off of people with no money.

  13. Dee Stroi April 6, 2008 at 3:16 pm #

    Wow Brads new job sounds absolutley sick and hilarious! hahahaha.

  14. xoxonicole April 12, 2008 at 12:46 pm #

    i hate some fucking people. how ungrateful “fans” can be about having to pay money to see a band they supposedly like. jesus fuck, man, nobody’s forcing you to go to the show, so if you’re gonna whine, don’t go! and it’s like, they’re going to bitch if a band breaks up, HELLO, wake up! if they’re not making any money, they can’t survive. i just don’t get why people bitch… shut up or go home! buy a fucking tee shirt on your way out, POS. haha

    that would be an amazing band that i would surely go to see.. i love the loved ones, hehe. when i saw them last, i was like, geeze, chris’ legs are actually smaller than my boyfriends! i didn’t think that was humanly possible.. haha

  15. Kristen Ferrell April 12, 2008 at 12:51 pm #

    he’s got the tiny-est little legs on the planet!! i love it!! i have a soft spot in my heart for the tiny fellas. 🙂

    and the number one reason why bands break up is that they can’t afford to be a band! the kids have NO IDEA how much it costs to put on a tour, and if they don’t even break even because they have to keep ticket and merch prices super low because the fans are too fucking whiney to pay the extra couple bucks, then they can’t tour. those “couple bucks” taken off of each shirt and each ticket sale add up FAST, and make a HUGE difference. but the kids don’t care- they just like to bitch and moan. brats. i’m really glad that there are a few folks out there like yourself and the others that posted on here that get it. 🙂

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