I found my religion, and it’s called “Kick you in the head”…

2 May

It’s become painfully obvious to me that I have gotten out of shape. I don’t give a shit about being all “buff” and “ripped” and all those grotesque phrases invented by sweaty-overcompensating-gym-going fellas. But it isn’t healthy for me to sit at my computer or my drawing table for a combined 12+ hours… and I can feel it by how easily I get winded. But I’ve become really bored with yoga (I just can’t justify spending 30-45 minutes a day stretching when I’m constantly running behind). It no longer holds the same “zen” quality it once did… and it actually stresses me out more because I can’t quit thinking about all the things I could to be doing while I’m “stretching”.

So a couple of months ago, we got one of those giant suspended punching bags. It’s been sitting, still in it’s box, in our garage… just waiting to be pounded. I’ve asked Brad repeatedly to put it up, but there’s always a long list of other things he HAS to do instead. So the other night, I put the goddamn thing up myself. All 75 pounds of it. Installed it into the ceiling of the garage. It quickly became the new love of my life (and it came with little red boxing gloves, so my new love makes me look all tough and legit as well). Here is my baby……

Ya see that red ‘X’ on there? That measures about 5’5″ in height. My goal with that?… that’s about where the middle of someone’s face would be who is taller than me. I want to be able to kick someone square in the face in the most quick and efficient way possible. I was heavily involved in dance for about 10 years, so the strongest part of my body is my legs. Punching is always fun… but kicking is my focus. If someone ever comes at me, I want to see teeth flying. I’m a good scrapper (going for eyes, throat, and crotch)…. but extra skills never hurt.

As I’m trying out my new punching bag (it’s now totally mine since I birthed it from the box and brought it life… sorry, Brad!!), I realize this is the most cathartic thing I’ve experienced in YEARS!!! I begin to picture all the times Brad has pissed me off, and the face of the guy who told me my bank line of credit was cut, and that asshole who was driving 30 mph on a 45 mph road when I was running behind getting Sully to school…. and I punched and kicked that fucking bag for 40 minutes without stopping.

I realized that this is what “confession” must feel like. Purging the bullshit, and walking away cleansed and free.  I don’t have feelings of guilt because I don’t fuck up… but I cling to anger like it’s my first-born. And finally getting to release it was about as close to religion as I’ve ever gotten. So I’m starting a cult called “Kick you in the head”. Anyone can join. No rules or judgment or hell and damnation. Just head-kicks to a punching bag.

By yesterday, I was able to efficiently hit my ‘X’ with a solid side-kick. And I have the photo to prove it:

Those white scuff marks are from my shoes.

For the record, I wear spiked heels alot. So everyone has now been warned… a head-kick from me will probably take out an eye as well.



12 Responses to “I found my religion, and it’s called “Kick you in the head”…”

  1. whitney May 2, 2008 at 4:08 pm #

    heavybags are awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    james and i hung one up in our garage as well. i got some UFC type grappling gloves and whaled (sp?) on that thing for almost 2 hours the night we got it. i was soooo sore the next day. i havent hit it in a while… i probably should. i’ve been lacking in my work-outs the last 2 months… eesh.

    now we have to have field/heavy bag days…..

    my fighting name is “Thunderfists Thornton”

    you can be “Killer-Kicks Kristen” or “Fuck ‘Em Up Ferrell” haha.
    i dunno….

  2. Kristen Ferrell May 2, 2008 at 4:14 pm #

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! both those names are good… it’s gonna be hard to decide which to go with.

    that heavy weight bag and i are quickly becoming best friends.

  3. whitney May 2, 2008 at 4:32 pm #

    haha, just combine them.
    “Killer-Kicks Kristen the Fuck ‘Em Up Ferrell”

    only your last name sounds like an object. hah!

  4. nicole May 2, 2008 at 8:53 pm #

    hah! wow, why would i ever have thought you’d get in shape any other way? dang girl, even your workout is badass! haha =) i started taking a piyo (pilates + yoga) class this week, and even though i’ve never been big on the yoga thing ’cause i can’t get my crazy head to stop running for long enough to relax, i’ve rediscovered how much i love pilates. it was originally created for injured dancers, as a way to keep in shape. it basically lengthens all of your muscles &tones/firms them. http://www.winsorpilates.com ignore the cheezy infomercial thing &that barbie-lookin chick! &i don’t know what the hell that circle thing is, i don’t have that.. i guess my set is way old, cause it’s VHS, hahah.

  5. Dee Stroi May 3, 2008 at 8:04 am #

    hahaha oh man I love you even more now! You’re unstoppable now. I want a punchingbag. Maybe I should go find a stupid boy. hehe.

  6. Kristen Ferrell May 3, 2008 at 9:57 am #

    Stupid boys always make good punching bags (they aren’t good for much else).
    I’ve had a hard time trying to find some way to exercise that doesn’t make me feel I’m wasting my time, that exerts enough energy to where I actually feel like I’m accomplishing something, that vents my aggression, and that I can do at home because I’m forever bound to the house by work and child.
    My new found “Kick you in the head” way of life does all that for me. Over the past few days, whenever I get frustrated by anything I just throw the gloves on and go punch for 10 minutes or so- and it’s all better. Deep cleansing breaths don’t make me feel better- but beating the shit out of something makes everything happy.

  7. Bobby D May 4, 2008 at 8:18 am #

    fight club.

  8. Kristen Ferrell May 4, 2008 at 12:08 pm #

    hahaha! i totally forgot about that movie!!!
    unfortunately, i don’t hold the organizational skills to orchestrate something of that magnitude (i can barely keep track of my keys at any given moment).
    but it would be fun!

  9. Cassie May 5, 2008 at 6:34 am #

    Can I just say that “Killer-Kicks Kristen the Fuck ‘Em Up Ferrell”
    is fantastic! Way to go lady!

  10. Tawni May 5, 2008 at 12:40 pm #

    I love your new badass workout. Love. I had a speed bag in a basement once, but it wasn’t very cathartic for anger removal. That heavy bag (Is that a Stick “Heavy Bag” reference above in Whitney’s comment? Awesome.) looks very helpful. When someone gives you the excuse, you’ll be ready for business.

    You should make a video. 🙂

  11. Lex May 18, 2008 at 7:09 pm #

    Kristen, I think you may have helped me out here…Hmmm..I tried Namaste Yoga last night, but I just fell over. It seemed so calming right up to the point where my face hit the floor. I think I need to be doing the hitting. This could just be a great new family addition.

    Heeheehee….Stick…talk about people I lost track of, and those guys were pretty nice.

  12. Kristen Ferrell May 19, 2008 at 12:00 pm #

    it really really really really really really helps. more than yoga. or meditation. or prayer (which i’m only going to assume prayer is somewhat like meditation- because i don’t pray). or taking deep breaths. or counting to 10.
    the only thing that helps me is punching and kicking.

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