Stress is Godzilla, and I am Japan.

27 May

I actually broke out in hives tonight because of stress.

HIVES!!  From my wrists to my elbows, and on my knees and legs.  My ulcer prone stomach is acting up, so I don’t feel like eating and I’m dropping weight  (which is frustrating for a girl who would KILL for curvy-curves that make ladies fun, instead of having the body of a 10 year old boy… ladies, don’t EVER complain about having hips, thighs, a butt and a tummy- those are the things that make us more fun to look at than boys).  And I can’t sleep because the moment my head hits the pillow, the never ending list of bullshit that has gone wrong these past couple months begins to circle in for the kill.  Instead of counting cute fluffy sheep to lull myself into a restful night- I count cancerous demons of failure.

So I’m now emaciated, pale as death with dark circles and bags under my eyes, and covered in red blotches from head to toe.  No wonder my husband has lost interest.  I’m soooooo hot right now… really.  Vomit.

Let me backtrack and tell you a little story about how sometimes owning your own business can kill your soul.

I put in the order to my clothing makers 2 months ago.  For weeks, they kept telling me “It will all be done by Friday”… week after week stalling me.  Week after week I’m watching the calendar stressing.  FINALLY they fess up and say “Oh…. well, actually, we haven’t started on your order”.  They tell me this 6 WEEKS after my ship date.  So I am in a frantic frenzy to find new production people… but those folks (although they are fantastic) are going to be twice as expensive.  And in the midst of this, my bank loan gets cut in half because of the ever declining state of the economy and the terrified mania that banks and lenders are in.  Soooooo right now I’m supposed to have all orders totally shipped out and paid for, and all new merch on my webstore- but that won’t be happening for another few weeks.  Which means no money in…. which means I can’t pay bills.  Which means I AM FFFUUUCCCKKKEEEDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Not just a little fucked… but really really really fucked.  The kind of paralyzing fucked where there is no good option, and all is lost in the most honest and truest sense of the phrase.  With everything in life- the smaller you are, the easier it is to be knocked down… especially in the case of small businesses.

So that is my current state of existence.

To add to that…. my son has flipped out.  Why?  Who knows.  He was doing AMAZING on the new Gluten-Free/Casen-Free diet, and had a couple PERFECT weeks- and then last week he blew a major gasket, had a melt-down-to-end-all-melt-downs and trashed his classroom.  For reals.  I was called into school to view the aftermath, and all I could say to the teachers was “Holy shit” over and over again.  And it hasn’t gotten much better since then.  We’ve tried to find out what the change was that made him go from perfect to satanic… but there’s no reason to it.  It just “is”.

All of this makes Brad and I bicker over stupid asinine bullshit, which makes it all worse.  And it’s REALLY fucking hard to try to be creative and make paintings for my upcoming show when all I want to do is swan-dive into an empty pool.

2 Things have kept me sane throughout all of this.  The first being the new happy Brad introduced me to- this cutesy folky singer named Mason Jennings.  Most of his stuff is just to slow for me… but there are 2 songs that have been downloaded into my itunes and have been on constant repeat for days and days and days.  Thank you, Mr Jennings for your songs “Soldier Boy” and “Butterfly”- it’s new preciousness that has made me feel like singing in moments where all I see are visions of bullets and gray matter hitting the wall behind me.

Salvation #2 would be the new Indiana Jones movie.  Yes, it has a horribly cheezy ending, and too much CGI bullshit for my liking… but when I look into the aging face of Harrison Ford, all I see staring back at me is Han Solo.  So I will take on a million cheezy hollywood endings just to see that precious face.  Oh Harrison Ford, you will forever be my intergalactic scoundrel (yeah- I’m a fucking nerd… and I own an autographed glossy photo of William Shatner, and it is framed and hanging over my bed… and anyone who makes fun of me can eat dicks).

The previous soul-killing reasons are why I haven’t written on here in a while.  Because when I get stressed, I hide from life.  But because of Han Solo, I’ve poked my head out of my “safe place” for a second to say “hi!” and tell the world I’m still alive.  My family unit may be living on the streets by next month because of my production fiasco… but I’m still alive.

And I will continue to exist just to be able to see the new Will Smith/Jason Bateman movie that I saw previews for.  Does anyone out there remember what it’s called?  Will Smith and Jason Bateman TOGETHER!!!!… and in a superhero flick!!!  And it doesn’t look idiotic!!!!!  I squealed like a fucking retard on crack when I saw the preview.  Both those boys are dreamy as hell.

Off to drink my rum & coke (because it’s the only thing that settles me down enough to get to sleep anymore) and try to shut my brain off.  Brad’s giving me that “get the hell out of your office and come pay attention to me” look… so that is the end of my vomitous bitch session.

Blech.

Fuck it all.

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21 Responses to “Stress is Godzilla, and I am Japan.”

  1. Michelle May 28, 2008 at 3:28 pm #

    new movie = hancock

  2. hayley g May 28, 2008 at 6:47 pm #

    i hope everything turns out for you. it’s always sunny after the storm.

    and if i could, I’d buy up all your stuff so that you wont have to live on the street, but i barely could afford that adorable tote bag that should be coming any day now and i totally can’t wait to use. i have like a week left of school and I’m hoping it comes this week so i can put like the 3 pieces of paper left in and do some free advertising for you!

    p.s.
    i thought i was the only one who saw Han Solo when i looked at Harrison Ford!

  3. Brandi May 29, 2008 at 4:20 am #

    Not to try to compete, but to let you know I’m there with you:
    My dad was in a motorcycle accident, and as his oldest daughter, and closest relative (literally, we live a block away from him) I am left to handle his medical care as he has not woken up yet…which is good, since he’s had 5 surgeries to mend a broken neck, back, face, leg, arm, ribs…
    I’ve spent the last 10 days in the hospital which means I’m broke, and can’t pay my bills.
    The exhaust on my car broke loose requiring $280 worth of repairs
    AND my dog of 9 years ran away all in the same week.
    When I finally broke down and bawled after more than a week, eric told me “I need you to be strong”.
    I really wanted to take my strength and punch him in the face (as a stress reliever)
    *sigh*
    it can only get better at this point. And if anyone can handle all this bullshit, even with your son, which is the most difficult-it is us.

  4. Lemissa May 29, 2008 at 5:22 am #

    we are sending money today!

  5. Cassie May 29, 2008 at 5:51 am #

    Hugs for you Kristen and I hope it gets better soon!

    I am also excited for the new Will Smith flick!

    Did you hear that MGM is remaking Robocop, Red Dawn and possibly Fraggle Rock?!?! WTF is all I can say on that BS.

  6. ash May 29, 2008 at 6:49 am #

    All I can suggest is large doses of Roger Miller.
    At least that helps me sometimes.
    🙂

  7. aprilfalling May 29, 2008 at 9:10 am #

    i’m sending you massive amounts of anti-stress-out bear hugs. they can’t pay your bills, but maybe help you sleep at night? you’re never alone. xo.

  8. Kristen Ferrell May 29, 2008 at 9:29 am #

    **Update**
    Because I’m a moron, I tried to take a hot bath to settle my nerves. The hot bath turned the hives into blisters. So I now have blisters all over my body. So I am now an emaciated pale worn down mess covered in red splotches and oozing blisters. I look like I have a disease. This is getting disgusting.

    Thank you all for your sweetness. Ash- Roger Miller always helps. Always.
    Brandi- fuck… I am so sorry!!! You need to tell your fella that you both need to be there FOR EACH OTHER- not just you being strong for him. That isn’t fair for you to have to carry all this weight and hold him up too. My ex-husband and I had a rule that only one of us got to freak out at a time, and if we saw the other one starting to lose it we had to just pull our shit together and take it until they calmed down.
    Hayley- I don’t care how old Harrison Ford gets, I will always see through the wrinkles. Han Solo lives on forever.

    And if MGM actually tries to redo RoboCop, I will publicly throw the biggest tempertantrum this world has ever seen. And how the fuck do you remake Fraggle Rock- and in movie form? Are they going to use the same puppets? That’s just stupid. These are the reasons why it takes so much for me to actually go to the movies. Geeeeezzzzz!!!!

  9. Michelle May 29, 2008 at 10:52 am #

    Hey, I work with a woman who’s daughter has Asbergers and the girl recently went through a spell where she was unusually violent. They found out two things were contributing to it: 1) She was on a medication meant for adults only and 2) she was having seizures – but the kind of seizures that seem like someone is just not paying attention so it was hard for them to diagnos. Once they figured out those things, she’s been doing much better.

    Got my fingers crossed for you honey.

    Ps. Just recently watched The Empire Strikes back and the super awesome sceane where Han is about to get frozen and Leia tells him that she loves him and he responds “I know”. Gah, that’s some good shit right there.

  10. Kristen Ferrell May 29, 2008 at 12:16 pm #

    I’ve seen that movie probably 40 times, and I cry every goddamn time at that scene. EVERY TIME!!! I’m going to start making Brad dress like Han Solo. And I’ll wear my hair in those crazy buns that Leia wears her hair like… and Sully can be Chewy.

    We haven’t tried medication on Sully because his violence and temper have been manageable until recently. Psyche meds for kids scare the crap outta me… but I’ve always said that meds are for when every other avenue is exhausted- and then proceed with caution. And we have tried every single other method- counseling, behavioral therapy, every parenting method out there, change in diet, strict stability in routine and rewards/consequences, homeopathic aids, calming techniques and self meditation, etc. Not to mention everything that his school has been doing- more behavioral therapy, therapeutic classroom settings, social therapy, rearranging class schedules to accommodate him, occupational therapy, para’s to help him when he gets stressed, etc. We may be forced to try meds, because he just can not get a handle on his temper once it starts.

    But the seizures are definitely something to look into!!!
    Thank you so much, lady!!!
    xoxoxox

  11. Katrin May 30, 2008 at 5:07 am #

    I am so sorry that you have to deal with all that shit…and I didn’t even throw the ball of life traumas back to you 😦
    All my love and best wishes go out to you.

  12. Kristen Ferrell May 30, 2008 at 8:14 am #

    Thank you, loveliest! Right now since I’m sitting on my laurels and waiting for my shirts to come in, I’m just trying to get as much painting done as I can for the London show. Hide and paint, hide and paint, hide and paint. Because if this show goes well, then I may not have to worry about money for a bit… but that’s not until September. The waiting game drives me bananas. But I’ve thrown my hands in the air in defeat, and am just trying to roll with the punches.
    le sigh.

  13. chelsea rae May 30, 2008 at 11:37 am #

    Perhaps it will lighten your mood a bit when i tell you that next week, a friend & i will be taking one Mister Dennis Lee Abbot to the Sheryl Crow concert. He predicts, in his own words, that he is ‘gonna freak out!’ Pictures soon to follow.

  14. Kristen Ferrell May 30, 2008 at 1:39 pm #

    OH….. MY….. GOD!!!!!!!
    Will you please take a million photos? I can’t even begin to imagine the madness that will take him over. He will cry- I know he will.

    For those of you who are not familiar with Mister Dennis Lee Abbot, he is one of more “colorful” characters of Lawrence, Kansas. He talks exactly like Boomhauer from “King Of The Hill”, and has the mentality of a 6 year old. When I first met him years ago, he liked to dress in suits with pink high heels, and pushed all his “treasures” around in a baby carriage. He is obsessed with Sheryl Crow, and for years has carried a cd with her picture on the front of it around with him. He talks to the cd. I’ve seen him standing on the street corner whispering to it and giving it kisses. His name for me was “Spider Head” (and would insist on grabbing my spider-head full of hair and shake me around like a rag doll). He likes to give lots of hugs that hurt you, and will bathe in cheap aftershave so that even if he’s left a store- 10 minutes later you can still tell he was there. And he thinks all the “Take a penny/Leave a penny” dishes around town are his own personal piggy banks.
    But the nice thing about Lawrence is that it’s small enough where everyone knows Dennis, and knows that he’s totally harmless, and they all let him take the pennies.
    Chelsea- PPPPLLLLEEEEAAAASSSSEEE tell me when you post all the pics on flickr!!! And tell him Spider Head says “hello”.

  15. Erina June 3, 2008 at 9:40 am #

    I’m sorry to hear about all that! I hope things work out. I think you are so amazingly talented and your company has really been one of my main inspirations. I first saw your shirts at some art gallery for a fundraiser in Denver and I was so blown away, so I always try to keep up with your new things cause they are so amazing. I have been trying to create my company on and off for over two years now but I just got fired from my job about 2 weeks ago and I figured though it is so stressful right now and I can’t get a job to save my life and I have a total of 10 dollars to my name, this is a chance to grow and really follow my dream and make this happen. I just wanted to tell you that one of the first things I do when I feel defeated and hopeless is go onto your site and see how much your have accomplished and it motivates me to keep working and not give up even though it is so rediculously hard right now (like literally I can’t go anywhere because I can’t afford gas, so i have like a 2 mile radius on where I can travel to.) Anyways Im sorry I’m rambling and I hope I don’t sound like a stalker or anything, but I hope it all works out for you and I just wanted to know that even though I dont know you, I guess I kind of look up to you and just aspire to be as successful as you have become. =)

  16. Kristen Ferrell June 3, 2008 at 10:46 am #

    You are so wonderful for saying that!!! Thank you so much!! I can’t tell you how much it means to me to hear that I can help other people in any way at all. 🙂
    And you don’t need big money anymore to start a business! Just start promoting and selling online, and then move on from there. You can set up a selling account at http://www.etsy.com for free, and I use http://www.homestead.com for my website & webstore (you can get a site hosted from them and build it yourself for like $10-15 a month, and you can put paypal buttons on anything you’d like to sell on a basic website until you want to get an actual webstore). I’ve never had much money, so I’ve had to figure out the cheapest way to do everything. If you ever want to throw ideas back and forth, you can always email me at kristenferrell.clothing@gmail.com or send me a message through myspace if you have a profile on there (sometimes it takes me a bit to respond to my email because i’m usually swamped… but i promise i’ll get back to you!!)
    xoxoxo

  17. Tawni June 4, 2008 at 3:53 am #

    Oh, Kristen. I haven’t checked my email in a week (it prompts me whenever you have a new post here), so I had no idea you were in small business owner and stressed-out mommy hell. I am so so so so so sorry. Biggest hugs ever to you.

    This is awesome: “…ladies, don’t EVER complain about having hips, thighs, a butt and a tummy- those are the things that make us more fun to look at than boys”

    I love that a lot. Next time I’m feeling chubby, I will say that to myself. 🙂

    I hive up when I’m really stressed, too (or when I’m touching down/feathers or around too much mold… weeee). The last time I hived up, I was at the DMV, taking a driving test in a giant car I’d never driven before, after thinking I wasn’t going to have to take the test (long boring story). In my driver’s license photo, I am completely covered in red splotches. When my husband saw it, he said, “Well at least when you get pulled over by a cop, you’ll look juat like your picture!” He’s a comedian, that one.

    Cool water with Aveeno oatmeal powder (they make packets for babies that soothe) baths, and those topical sunburn-numbing Lanacaine type sprays and creams have helped me in the past with itchy-hivey discomfort, but usually it won’t go completely away until I calm the F down. I hope life will allow you to do that very soon, because you are an amazing human and you deserve only good things, like happy bunnies and chickens. 🙂

    On the movie front, I am excited about the new M. Night Shamalamadingdong flick, The Happening. It looks SO scary! And I love all things M. Night. And yes, Will Smith and Jason Bateman together is a beautiful thing! I must see it! *squeals with Kristen*

    If this is not for comedic effect: “No wonder my husband has lost interest,” then I must scream “FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLL!!!!” at him, at the top of my lungs. You are incredibly gorgeous and cooler than Hee-Haw. Puh-leeeeeze.

    I hope you are doing much better. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxooxoxoxo.

  18. Kristen Ferrell June 4, 2008 at 8:36 am #

    I’m going to state officially for the record that all the ladies out there who get upset about their weight need to stop it. When I say “Ladies, don’t EVER complain about having hips, thighs, a butt and a tummy- those are the things that make us more fun to look at than boy”- I MEAN IT!!!! Which is more attractive- Marilyn Monroe or Twiggy? The answer that the media wants you to say is “Twiggy”- but it is WRONG!!! Miss Monroe had the healthier body, and that fuller figure is what made her a sexual icon. I’ve always gotten the grumpies from girlfriends of mine who were curvy, and I’d hear “god- I wish I was as small as you”- BUT DON’T EVER THINK LIKE THIS!! It’s not fun or healthy. There was one time that Brad came back from tour to find me in a stress-out frenzy and I had lost some weight, and we ran into someone he knew at a store and they thought that I was a junkie. It’s not cool.
    The media’s depiction of women, and the standards that they put on how women are supposed to look are just dead WRONG. Women look best with some weight on them… our curves are what have always made our gender the subject of artwork throughout history and what make us SO MUCH MORE fun than boys.
    Take pride in those hips, that tummy and that ass. Don’t buy into the bullshit that society is telling you when you start to feel self-conscious about not looking like a prepubescent boy. Because the only people who find prepubescent boys hot are old men who are in NAMBLA.
    You are all beautiful- just the way you are.

  19. Gretchen June 4, 2008 at 4:03 pm #

    Kristen,

    “The media’s depiction of women, and the standards that they put on how women are supposed to look are just dead WRONG. Women look best with some weight on them… our curves are what have always made our gender the subject of artwork throughout history and what make us SO MUCH MORE fun than boys.”

    this is my new mantra, I bookmarked this page so when I start to do that whole feeling bad about my body thing (especially now that it’s summer) I can read this and be reminded why I shouldn’t fight the very nature of feminine beauty and my body constantly, its a shitty uphill battle and one that no woman should be fighting. You are such an inspiration as an artist, feminist, mom and everything else, thank you!

  20. hayley g June 4, 2008 at 6:01 pm #

    haha to bad organized religion is a waste of time because i would totally go to The Church of St. Kristen Ferrell if you were up there telling it how it is!

  21. Kristen Ferrell June 4, 2008 at 8:10 pm #

    Women in our society are raised to hate ourselves, and it breaks my heart. I can’t tell you how many of my female friends starve themselves, or obsess over what they eat, or talk shit about each other all over body image. It’s fed into us when we’re little by every form of the media, and perpetuated as we get older by learned behavior from older female role models in our lives (whether it’s in our family, or role models in the public eye). And to top it all off, we’re taught to compete with each other to be the prettiest/thinnest/most feminine/sexiest, which turns into hating each other- and if you break down all the behaviors to the very basic motivator… it’s for the sake of getting a man.
    Once we’re able to recognize exactly WHY we’re dissatisfied with ourselves, then we can all begin to change our way of thinking and not let the media dictate how we view ourselves. And the media’s depiction of how women are supposed to look and act is DISGUSTING and most times damaging beyond repair to a girl’s self-esteem.

    I found this video on youtube a long time ago, and I thought it was just amazing…..

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