Sometimes synthetic friends are the best kind….

10 Jun

Ok, so posting twice in one day is quite uncommon for me…. but since friends and family read this, it’s easier than sending a mass email. And this way I can share this little tale with the world (because it’s worth it- I promise).

So this afternoon after I picked Sully up from school, we were tearing around town getting shit ready for his birthday tomorrow. On our way home, I like to drive by this weird park we refer to as the “Squirrel Park”. I have never once seen a bunny or squirrel in any of the neighborhoods where we live. Ever. We have tons of birds (and face attacking hummingbirds)… but no bunnies or squirrels. Except for this one park down the street from our house- and at any given time there are about 150 squirrels there. No joke… it’s a fucking commune. And I think it’s really funny. So I drive by there all the time and scream “HEY SQUIRRELS!!” out the window and see how many look at me (that’s an old game that we used to play when I lived in the group home in Branson, Missouri…. except it was “Hey Cow”, and you got points for how many cows looked at you…. yes, it’s that boring in Branson… especially if you’re living with the Southern Baptists).

But I’m getting sidetracked…. so Sully and I were driving by the Squirrel Park, and laying in the middle of the park was a homeless man napping on a blanket… and laying next to him was a fully inflated blow-up doll. Just the two of them, catching a little sunny afternoon nap, enjoying the beautiful weather (well, he was napping… but her eyes were painted wide open, so I’m going to assume that she was awake). Fortunately, Sully was screwing around with my ipod, so he didn’t see the lovely couple… and by the time the scene had registered in my head, and I exclaimed “Holy Shit!!!!!” and bust out laughing, we were already past them. So Sully was left drilling me with questions as to what I had just witnessed. And because I just really don’t want to explain to my 10 year old why a grown man would want to stick his penis into a plastic inflatable person… I lied and said the squirrels were being funny.

But it was almost sweet. This man who is shunned by society has found the one person who will never judge him, keep him company as long as he doesn’t get her near anything sharp, and fulfill his “whims” whenever the desire strikes him. And the way he was napping with her… holy christ, how I wish I had a camera!!!!! He was so content. It really was “Hallmark” worthy.

The best part, though, was the 2 families that were there with kids in tow playing in the park while walking back from the beach. The kids were oblivious to the naked inflatable woman unabashedly displaying her multiple “life-like” orifices… but the parents were VERY VERY aware, and not nearly as amused with the scene as I was. Maybe I’m a bad mom, but if I was walking with Sully and we stumbled upon this scene- I still would have laughed just as hard (despite the fact that I would be forced to explain what the doll was).

It was beautiful.

And if he’s there again tomorrow, I will be sure to take pictures and post them (but knowing my neighborhood, he’s probably already been called into the cops by the “Neighborhood Watch” by now, and separated from his love through police force… like Romeo and Juliet… kindof… ok, not at all….)

That is my story.


*this is a very tame, public-friendly blow up doll.  I put this one on here so as not to be banned from anything, and to not get creepy people wanting to make friends with me.  The doll this afternoon WAS NOT tame in any way, shape, or form.  She was very free with her body, and exposed herself with complete confidence.


14 Responses to “Sometimes synthetic friends are the best kind….”

  1. Katrin June 11, 2008 at 5:29 am #

    Oh my god, that is too funny. Not only the actual event, but also your account. And it reminds me of the film “Lars and the real girl” which was really touching (no double meaning intended :-))

  2. Kristen Ferrell June 11, 2008 at 8:43 am #

    I’ve never seen that movie… but my neighbor told me that it was really good.
    It was just so beautiful to see this couple plopped right in the middle of our suburban perfectly-manicured-lawn neighborhood.

  3. chelsea June 11, 2008 at 7:19 pm #

    this made me laugh so hard, thank you.

  4. Ashley June 11, 2008 at 7:25 pm #

    Funny, because it made me think of the movie “Love Object”. Anybody seen that one? Pretty creepy. This story made my day, but not nearly as much as it made yours I’m sure. Kansas is so boring, we never see blow up dolls in public. Whaaaa.

  5. tandi June 12, 2008 at 4:24 am #

    holy shit!!! i WAS having a shitty morning, but now i go and face the day…thank you cpt. kristen!!!!!!!!!!

  6. whitney June 12, 2008 at 6:35 am #

    “but her eyes were painted wide open, so I’m going to assume that she was awake”


    that’s all so great!

  7. Kristen Ferrell June 12, 2008 at 12:25 pm #

    has anyone out there seen those “Real Dolls”? I worked in a record store for years that had a bong/porn shop in the back, and my fellow employees and i would go through the monthly mailers & catalogs for the new “adult” videos and items available and laugh our asses off (sorry, but I’ve never been one to be into any kind of porn… it’s just too damn silly to get into, and all the “stars” of the flicks are even sillier looking). but they always had ads in there for “Real Dolls”… and this was downright creepy. I think the site is realdolls . com…. and it’s just weird. You can basically build the girl you want, down to her eye color, weight and height. she has lifelike skin, and realistic joints (including the jaw) so you can position her however you like.
    Did i mention these dolls start at around $6,500?
    Or if you’re only interested in certain sections of a woman’s body, you can just get a torso for only $1,300 (because that’s all you really need out of a lady, right?). Or maybe you just want a foot… you can get that too.
    If you go to the site, be sure and read the FAQ section… it’s quite hilarious (and a little nauseating).

  8. Cassie June 12, 2008 at 1:02 pm #

    That is the kind of doll the charcter Lars buys in “Lars and the Real Girl”. You definatly need to watch that movie. It is creepy and sweet all at the same time! A new fav. of mine.

    My question to the man in the park situation is this.
    Where the squirrels there and how did they feel about the situation?

  9. Kristen Ferrell June 12, 2008 at 1:12 pm #

    the squirrels were keeping their distance from the happy couple, but i don’t think they were judging them in any way.

    and now i really need to see that movie… the “RealDoll” site was the source of much amusement and horror of my friends and I- so I’ve GOT to see these creepy dolls put into a scenario that doesn’t give me bad feelings.

  10. hayley g June 12, 2008 at 7:10 pm #

    this isnt really relevant to anything but i just found this and was shocked by some people who commented on this article and i thought you’d probably agree with the ridiculousness of the way some people think! lol specially the first comment. haha , wow.

    oh, by the way, i dont know if you got my flickr mail from a few weeks ago, but THANKS SO MUCH for the t-shirt you sent along with the tote i ordered!!! i loved both of them! xoxo

  11. hayley g June 12, 2008 at 7:13 pm #

    hah my bad, the link i gave you shows comments 11-20 not the #1 comment, but this one has the first comment

    i wish this blog had the option to edit my comment so i didnt have to comment twice lol.

  12. Kristen Ferrell June 12, 2008 at 7:25 pm #

    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAH!!! HOLY SHIT!!! THIS IS A JOKE, RIGHT???? Virginity is lost when a penis is involved… not a tampon. I am blown away by how sheltered some kids are!! This has never even crossed my mind as ever being an issue! Oh man… that poor kid!!

  13. Tawni June 13, 2008 at 7:22 pm #

    HAHAHA. Beautiful mental picture and story. Thank you! I love this tale of homeless romance and embarrassed parents. The Hey cow!/Hey squirrels! game made me giggle. I grew up in a rural area- why did I never play that game? I missed out! 🙂 xoxoxo.

  14. Michelvis June 15, 2008 at 12:23 pm #

    Um okay so I spent a little under a decade working for a (jack-off booth free) porn store with a sense of humor and have had the oportunity to spend some time with blow up lovers (There’s “fatty patty” “American Tranny” “granny” “somebody the midget” etc….) I’ve inflated them with helium (doesn’t work, too heavy) dressed them, shaped them (sometimes their pink parts need adjusting) and displayed them. They were my cheap mannequins, my fave I called “the secretary” I made some great Valentines displays with them using chicken feet on sticks for cupids bow and arrow. I had the great privelage to play with some vintage Linda Lovelace dolls, by far the BEST, and John Holmes, not so pretty. My point? I LOVED THIS STORY! It brought back some good memories. Did you know that they make blow up sex animals? The “Lovin’ Ewe” for one, there are also black sheep, donkeys and well yopu name it… I used to suggest them as the gift for that hard to buy for friend and often tattoo them (with a sharpie as tattoos are the blow up dates nightmare) with a nice dagger/heart combo banner reading “sharp things hurt”
    I Love you Kristen

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