A letter of apology to my husband…

13 Jul

…”Pacific 231″ by Burning Airlines

Dear Brad,

I am very sorry for openly and publicly mocking you for wearing your Bluetooth earpiece (or what I have renamed “The Gonadian”).

Due to the new California state law forbidding the use of hand-held cell phones while driving, I was forced to get my own Gonadian. The first week I stomped my feet and fought wearing the retardo low-rent looking futuristic-wanna-be device because of my knee-jerk loathing of people who make this a constant accessory to their everyday attire, and who speak loudly on it while in stores or in movie theaters. My loathing for these people made you an open target to my ridicule, and I enjoyed lumping you in with these douchebags (completely for my own amusement). Sadly after that first week, I gave in and was forced to stick the little plastic piece of shit in my ear and begrudgingly make friends with it.

But now that I have become one of those douchebags and am forced by law to wear The Gonadian while driving… and have quickly started wearing it while in the house because it frees up my hands to paint while I’m talking on the phone (therefore increasing my multi-tasking productivity by at least 50%), I must eat a large dish of crow and say “I’m sorry”.

I realize that this apology is somewhat shallow since I’m only doing it to save face because of being strong-armed by California law into participating in a cultural practice/fashion statement that I don’t care for. And I fully reserve the right to continue to openly mock you if I see you talking on The Gonadian while in a store, restaurant, or any public place where it is not necessary… pointing and laughing, comparing you to the self-inflated LA businessmen & college-boy trust-fund creepies who like to think that they are sooooo Oh-So-Very-Important that they CAN’T tear the earpiece from their ear for one second because that Oh-So-Very-Important call just MIGHT come in that will make them even more Oh-So-Very-Important.

And please note that you should love and cherish this apology, because it is the only time in the entirety of our marriage that I have ever had to apologize for anything (because I am always right). AND it is the only time I will ever have to apologize again for the remainder of our marriage (because I will continue to always be right). I suggest you print this out, and carry it with you always because it is a rarity beyond anything else you will ever experience.

On a different note, will you please stop playing “Metallica” over and over. It’s giving me flash-backs of my mullet-haired 7th grade boyfriend who liked to constantly rock-out on his air guitar. Filling me with bad feelings may force me to revoke my apology and resume my open mocking of you, despite California law.

Love,

Your wife

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15 Responses to “A letter of apology to my husband…”

  1. hayley g July 13, 2008 at 5:47 pm #

    my dad was going to give me a bluetooth that he had until he saw on “60 Minutes” that they can give you cancer now. also they had 5 bluetooth thingies in a circle with a popcorn kernel and had them all ring and it popped the popcorn!

    i still have a headset but its one thats like earphones. which helps me when i paint or sit in bed or whenever i’m to lazy to hold a phone. i suggest one of those. i dont want to come on here one day and you’re writing about having a tumor removed!

  2. Kristen Ferrell July 13, 2008 at 7:59 pm #

    holy shit!!!!!
    i knew that those things couldn’t be good for you… but i had no idea they were THAT bad!!! how fucking scary!!!!!

    sooooo…. if i get cancer from the bluetooth, can I sue the state of california for forcing me to get one because of the new law?

  3. Lucy July 13, 2008 at 11:59 pm #

    They give you cancer? Noooo…. couldn’t see that one coming ;))

  4. hayley g July 14, 2008 at 11:48 am #

    hahahah totally sue california! but they’d probably say that you shoulda got the headset that has the ear phones 😦

  5. Kristen Ferrell July 14, 2008 at 2:25 pm #

    I’ve always thought that because of how toxic and unhealthy everything we come into contact with is, I’d probably die from one kind of cancer or another….
    but I’d be pretty annoyed if it happened to be from a damn cell phone. Especially since I loathe my cell phone.

  6. aprilfalling July 14, 2008 at 4:46 pm #

    i think bradley needs to start commenting on these blogs.. i’m so very curious as to what he’d write. haha or, maybe that’s a bad idea.

  7. Kristen Ferrell July 14, 2008 at 4:55 pm #

    I don’t think that Brad even reads this stuff. We’re kindof funny that way… I never know when he’s supposed to go on tour, and he never really knows what I’m saying or doing with my business. We mostly talk about the cats. 😉

  8. Jennifer Daking July 15, 2008 at 9:00 am #

    How come this was supposed to be the “summer of Kristen” and I haven’t heard from you, or seen you once!? Come visit!! Erica is still out of town and I need many lunch dates with you.
    xoxo

  9. Kristen Ferrell July 15, 2008 at 10:10 am #

    Oh beautiful Jennnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!
    I’ve totally lost my mind and have been painting like a crazy person everyday. Not only that- but I’ve been getting teased everyday by my screenprinters/shirt sewers/embroidary people that my new stuff will be ready “any day now” so I’ve been waiting waiting waiting for all that to happen.
    I will call you today.
    I miss your face.
    TONS!!!!!!
    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxxooxoxoxo

  10. Michelle July 15, 2008 at 10:40 am #

    the popcorn/bluetooth thing was actually a hoax, but fuck bluetooths anyway

  11. Kristen Ferrell July 15, 2008 at 11:12 am #

    it’s comforting to know that everytime I put the bluetooth in, my brain cells aren’t frying out one by one….
    but yes- i hate my little ear piece.
    i love that i can free up my hands while working and talking on the phone… but it still makes me very grumpy that i was forced to buy one if i want to talk on the phone while in the car (which is pretty mandatory since living in southern california traffic means that to go anywhere I’m in the car for hours at a time).
    ugh.

  12. Michelle July 15, 2008 at 5:00 pm #

    two hands on the wheel or not, you’re still distracted by a phone conversation, so might as well just let people use an actual phone so everyone doesn’t look schizophrenic or something. but you have gauged ears, so just do this

    (I don’t know if that link worked, but it’s a person with a cell phone in the gauged hole in their ear. yeah)

  13. Kristen Ferrell July 15, 2008 at 5:23 pm #

    HAHAHAHAHA!!! my ears are only at an inch, so i don’t think i could make my phone fit (or at least not yet). 🙂

    i really really hate talking on the phone when i’m driving, and i try to not often do it. but when i’ve been stuck in traffic for hours and business calls are coming in, or i’m driving around downtown LA and i have no idea where i’m going… i gotta use the damn phone.

    but yes- i hate the fact that i look like i’m a crazy person in my car. yesterday i had a really terrible and stressy day, and to top it off i hit a bird while i was driving. so i called brad crying about it… and you can’t see the earpiece under all my hair. as i’m stopped at a stop light, crying to brad about my stupid shitty day and the poor little bird that smashed into my windshield, i look over and the person in the car next to me was watching me with the most terrified look on his face. i didn’t realize until after i was driving off that he couldn’t see the ear piece… he just thought he had seen some insane lady sobbing and screaming at herself in her car.

    but now that i think about it… that’s pretty awesome. i hope i scared the shit outta him. HA!

  14. Michelle July 15, 2008 at 6:07 pm #

    haha, i bet that’s why they made the law, just because it’s extremely entertaining to see half of California talk to themselves

    and R.I.P. bird

  15. whitney July 16, 2008 at 1:18 pm #

    they make these things for your car thats like a button kinda off to the side of the visor…. and so when youre in your car and your phone rings (it’s connected to your cell or some shit) it turns off the radio for you and you answer it by hitting the button… i think you can hear the person through the speakers! it’s nuts and it sounds like youre underwater. my friend just got one in her new car.
    i’d rather have that than a little device i need to cram into my ear. i hate putting things in my ears though… like those gross ear pieces on ipods that people share. EWW! but at the same time if youre driving with someone you can have a private convo.

    there’s also such thing as speaker phone! haha. i think people forget about that. it’s hands free and you’ll still look like a crazy while driving in your car talking to the dashboard! 🙂

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