Women are from Venus, Men are from Retard….

21 Sep

A few days ago, I had a very long conversation with a good buddy of mine.  He was all stressed and worried that his special lady-friend was becoming disinterested and maybe having eyes for someone else, and even contemplating leaving him.  He told me how she was acting (despondent, apathetic, submissive to avoid conflict, and overall bored with his existence).  I don’t know his lady friend well, but I know ladies.  These are not happy signs.  Then I asked him what he was doing to try to save his sinking ship… to which he responded, “Duuuhhhhh… nothing.  What am I supposed to do about it?”.  Sigh.  Stupid fucking boys.

So I proceeded to tell him he WAS in fact a stupid fucking boy, and that if his special lady friend really was special, he needed to let her know.  His response…”Should I buy her flowers or take her out to a movie or something?”…. my response “God, you’re REALLY fucking stupid!!!”.  Life isn’t a goddamn hallmark card or some horrible Juila Roberts movie.  After a long period of neglect, you can’t fix a relationship with a handful of roses and a craptastic hollywood pile of shit.  Common sense, fellas…. common sense.

So I’m going to throw out some info for the fellas so they can understand how to try to “make things better”, and hopefully aid some ladies out there who have retards for boyfriends/husbands (because we ALL do… except my friend Tawni. Tawni somehow found the one male on the planet who isn’t an emotional cripple.  I would like her to know that I think of her every time Brad is being an asshole, and am green with envy).

Women are NOT complex.  I know that millions of comic strips, movies, sitcoms, and stand-up acts rely solely on the notion that women are just TOO far out there to even try to understand- but I promise you, it just isn’t true.  We may sometimes be picky.  We may sometimes be high-maintenance. We may sometimes be irritable (you try having one of your internal organs turn against you once a month causing genital hemorrhaging and knife stabbing pain and see how pleasant you are).  But we are not not not not not difficult to figure out.

To understand relationships is to understand people.  People are selfish, and driven primarily by selfish needs.  There isn’t a single person on the plant who’s actions aren’t governed by this.  It’s primal, and is there from birth (why do you think the concept of sharing is so difficult for toddlers?).  Because of this, we surround ourselves with people that fulfill something in us that we are lacking.  We spend time with people that make us feel something we need to feel.  We don’t hang out with jerks and morons and people that make us feel like crap about ourselves (unless we’ve been emotionally beat down and have terrible self-esteems… but then that fulfills a need, and is a totally different topic).  So in a relationship, once it loses all it’s fun and starts to become a chore- of course someone is going to start looking for an “out”.  This can be avoided, though.

If you’re a fella, and your lady is showing those apathetic and despondent signs, or you’re fearful that another fella has caught their attention, it really isn’t hard to turn things around… or to try, at least.  What was your relationship like when you first got together?  How did you make her FEEL?  Did you make her feel like the prettiest lady on the planet?  The most special person to you?  Women in our culture are bombarded from birth by messages telling us that we’re not pretty enough/thin enough/smart enough/ stylish enough/ exciting enough/sexy enough/ special enough.  We’re raised in a perpetual state of low self-esteem that we have to battle with everything we do.  So if we find a boy that shares our interests and makes us feel like we’ve knocked them off their feet, we tend to get weak in the knees.  Your job, as boys, is to keep making us weak in the knees.  Just keep doing all that stuff you did when the two of you first got together that made her feel like the most amazing girl you’ve ever met.  It’s not hard.  It’s all stuff you’ve done before…. it’s all that stuff that caught her attention in the first place and kept her attention long enough for you to grab her up.  Just keep doing it.  Don’t let things get old and stale.  It seriously is that simple.

And yes, you will have to keep doing this shit for the entirety of your relationship.  You may see this as “high-maintenance”…. but if you’d like to continue to have a lady around who will endure your male-stench, and your stupid jokes, and all the crap that comes along with existing with you, and have someone there for you to come home to, and emotionally support you, and to keep you from having to go back out into the “dating world” where you will face constant and consistent rejection just to come home to a messy and pathetic bachelor pad with nothing but your porn and your own company, then you’re going to have to keep making her feel special. But by all means- feel free to ignore what I’m saying.  Defiantly state “fuck that female-high-maintenance bullshit!!” and go try to find something better, or a relationship that doesn’t end up in the same place you’re in now.  Good luck with that.

But if you’ve found a good lady, and would like to continue to have that good lady around- just keep making her feel good things.  It really isn’t that much to ask.  Weigh it out… all you have to do is keep making us feel special, and in turn you get… well…. everything.  Not a bad deal, right?

I have now put away the soapbox.  On a different note, here’s what I made yesterday:

Severed Finger Cupcakes!!!  Available this week on the webstore!!!  YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


17 Responses to “Women are from Venus, Men are from Retard….”

  1. daMama September 21, 2008 at 7:54 pm #

    Okay, you know it is just that simple. I know it is just that simple. Heck, every woman on the planet knows it is that simple. Why oh why can the majority of men simply cannot realize it really is that simple? I do believe that will forever be the question without an answer.

    LOVE those cupcakes! Would you be a dear and pop over to help me set up for Halloween? (my favorite holiday btw) Those with the Kitty Litter cake would be so cool.

  2. Kristen Ferrell September 21, 2008 at 8:24 pm #

    You can get really awesome plastic severed fingers at Michaels hobby shop (if they have one in your area) and put them in real cupcakes. Maybe get some red gel icing and add a little blood splatter to them? I have a hard time making our house “Halloweeny” because it already kindof looks that way. The walls are all painted pretty pastels and are cute… but we’ve got the real human skull,and the dead animals bottled in formaldehyde, and my collection of dentures all over the place, and my collection of antique plastic halloween masks all over the walls…. etc. I guess it looks more like a crazy person’s house than a halloween house. And none of our neighbors will let their kids come over to play. Hahaha!!

    But yes… keeping a lady happy really is very simple. Granted, there are crazy high-maintenance bonker-chicks out there… but that’s not the norm. Most of us just want to be made to feel like we really are number 1 in our partner’s world. But most of the time we’re just cleaning up their messes, or their free therapist, or the one they yell at after a bad day, or left to feel like we’re just there because it’s comfortable for them. And once a woman is made to feel like that enough, and another person enters the picture that makes them feel like they’re special again… POOF! Lady goes bye-bye. Or even if someone else doesn’t enter the picture, they may just get sick of feeling like an after-thought, and POOF!… Lady goes bye-bye.
    And then the fella actually has the nerve to sit and wonder what happened!!!!

    Bottom line, if someone is special to you- make them feel special. Or else someone else can easily do that job for you, and you’ll be very sad. And ALONE!!!!

  3. juju galaxie September 21, 2008 at 11:16 pm #

    Wow..someone else who collects dentures!!!!
    Good advice by the way…send it out to the world…along with my little card i want to pass out about tipping correctly (and how servers only get paid minimum and pay taxes on what they ring up so no tip means we spend money on their bill!!!!)before people enter a bar or restaurant!
    sigh…. : )

  4. Kristen Ferrell September 21, 2008 at 11:36 pm #

    I used to buy dentures and partials off ebay. I have bags and bags of them. Some are in really great condition, and some are just nasty. But the nasty ones are wonderful BECAUSE they’re so beat up and horrifying… they crack me up. I get on these kicks where I have to own tons of one thing or another, and I just collect them like crazy. Before the dentures, I was obsessed with finding used worn out little girl’s ballet slippers at the Salvation Army. They always have tons of them. There is something so precious about them, but when I hung them all up in a row on my office wall, they looked really creepy. Like serial killer trophies. Which made me love them that much more.

    And I get furious when people don’t tip. It’s horrible. And one of the reasons I could never work food service again. It makes me yell too much at the customers.

  5. ash September 22, 2008 at 5:48 am #

    How the heck do you do it Kritsten? You are an artist and you fly all over the world, and you are a mommy, and you STILL know how to fix relationships?! It isn’t fair! If only you weren’t married I would totally ask you to marry me. Except I am already married. Maybe we could just old-lady best friends. We could live in a spinster old lady witch houses and throw our dentures at all of the children that walk by and tell them to get the fuck off our porch! And then we would drink tons of coffee and play Roger Miller records. Ahh, I can’t wait for to be old!

    PS: I saved all of my daughter’s ballet slippers for the very same reason!

  6. dollypop=amyjeen September 22, 2008 at 6:42 am #

    BING – EFFING – O !

    you need an ” a no shit sherlock” article for the lovelorn and , actually for the rest of the world !
    i’ve sorta lucked out.
    mine’s only an ass amaybe 20 percent of the time. i used to date the 80 percenter’s.
    funny thing is, he ackowledges when he is being a douche.
    anyhoo, love love lovin the cupcakes, oooooh sweetness with a scare, and give me about 3 months, i have something for you, someithing i made, muahahahahahaha !

  7. ash September 22, 2008 at 8:02 am #

    Dude. I totally know how to spell your name. k-r-i-s-t-e-n. I think I just drank a wee too much coffee this a.m.

  8. Tawni September 22, 2008 at 11:27 am #

    I. Love. This. Blog. And not just because I got a shout out and nearly choked on my own saliva laughing so hard either. I love it because it’s TRUE.

    I swear the tales about the magnificent hubby aren’t me overcompensating- the guy is so cool it’s freaky. I can’t believe he’s real sometimes. He handles all of the night wakings of our son so I can sleep. If I feel guilty, he says, “You already work the day shift alone all day with the kid while I’m at work- the least I can do is handle the night shift.” He cooks dinner as often as I do. He tries to “sneak” doing the laundry because I feel like that’s part of my responsibilities, since I’m home all day, but if I try to stop him he says, “You’re not my MAID, this is a partnership!” (He actually says this to me. I’m serious.) He won’t let me take out the garbage. He carries all heavy things for me, even though I’m a tall chick who used to lug her own Marshall cabinets and band gear around constantly. I haven’t filled up our car with gas… yet. And I’m one of those girls who can check oil (or even change oil… my dad wanted boys, so he taught me stereotypically boy things like car stuff and guitar)- he just likes to do nice things like that. Just because I’m not a “delicate flower” doesn’t mean it isn’t nice to be treated like one by my guy. Heh.

    He tells me I’m beautiful every day and has told me on numerous occasions that he knows I’m smarter than him. *snorts* His politics are liberal like mine and he’s fully supportive of women’s rights and gay rights/marriage, he’s anti-war, and he dislikes organized religion, which could have been a dealbreaker for me. He really is perfect. I scored. And a day doesn’t go by that I don’t appreciate him, believe me. I dated so many douchebags before him that I guess I was bound to finally get a good one at some point, right?

    The minuses: He snores, dog person- he doesn’t love and want to marry all cats like I do, we have different tastes in music and he loves golf and football, which bore me. These are about the only things I can think of that we don’t click on. I can live with these.

    He was a having a phone moment similar to the one you describe with your friend above the other day, and I heard him say to the guy, “It’s actually really easy to make a woman happy- tell her she’s smart every day and tell her she’s pretty every day.” He didn’t say it in a “… because women are so simple and dumb” way, more of like a “Duh, dude, just be *decent* to her…” matter-of-fact kind of way. I stopped and thought about it, and decided that it really is that easy to keep me happy, at least- as it covers both of the basic needs for this girl. Respect my brain (tell me I’m smart) and find me attractive (tell me I’m pretty). Done.

    “We’re raised in a perpetual state of low self-esteem that we have to battle with everything we do.”

    Good gravy, this statement is so true. It is hard to be a girl in America. Everything around us constantly bombarding us with Thinner! Prettier! Younger! messages doesn’t help much, does it? I had a friend once who wrote “I AM ENOUGH.” on her bathroom mirror and that always stuck with me as a nice way to start one’s day. 🙂

    Great writing, as always, Kristen. Thank you! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo.

  9. daMama September 22, 2008 at 2:31 pm #

    Thanks for the tip about Michael’s, I’ll try there.

  10. Kristen Ferrell September 22, 2008 at 3:11 pm #

    daMama…. if you want to get REALLY arty, they sell plaster mold kits, and you could make molds of your hands, feet, fingers,toes, etc. I used really diluted black paint to make them gray and dead looking. you could make amazing decorations and center pieces, or fun little party favors or whatever… and if you find a inexpensive clear acrylic top coat (in the paint section) and coat them all, they last forever!! you can use them year after year after year!! plus, if you have kids, it’s super fun to make molds of their little hands and fingers. I have a mold of sully’s hand from when he was about 2 years old, and i love it!!

    and Tawni, if I didn’t adore you so much, I’d totally kick you in the leg. You really really really really are the luckiest woman on the planet. Seriously. He needs to start his own postings on how guys are SUPPOSED to act in order to not be hated by women. Or write a book. Any way to get the word out!!!!

  11. whitney September 22, 2008 at 4:53 pm #

    daMama- we made a Kitty Litter cake one year. it was hilarious! all but 2 people didnt even touch it though cause it looked so real haha.

    i’m relieved to say that i’m lucky i don’t have one of those boys. surely, he can be absent-minded and incredibly slow a lot of the times…. but he still knows how to make me feel special. he’s more “romantic” than i am and that kind of scares me.

    ALSO, in regards to halloween and dead finger cupcakes and cat poop cakes…. you should make REAL cupcakes with EDIBLE severed fingers (or monroe toes) and hand them out to the kiddies when they trick-or-treat. (even though i’m sure they wouldnt eat it cause they’d be creeped out and their parents would probably think youre a nut).
    or you can just eat them all by yourself. OR you can invite me over and we can be fat together and eat cupcakes all day.


  12. Kristen Ferrell September 22, 2008 at 5:06 pm #

    lady, i think that sounds like the best date EVER!!!!

  13. Yardley September 23, 2008 at 1:56 am #

    You should write a “dear Kristen”column (as if you have the time…) you are much better then dear abby (or abby’s grand-daughter or cousin or whoever writes it now). Dear Abby is fun to read, but your advice is actually applicable. On sunday my friend read me a letter to “Abby” from a woman whose husband was LLLAAAZZZYYY. Dear Abby advised her to keep doing everything so her life wouldn’t fall apart. Good in that everything stays in order, bad in that the woman still ends up doing everything and then some. I was pretty dissatisfied with the answer… So what happens when the guy still thinks he is the same as he was?

  14. christine September 23, 2008 at 4:34 am #

    “men…alive they’re a pain in your ass. dead, they’re a pain in your back.”

  15. Kristen Ferrell September 24, 2008 at 10:12 am #

    hahahahahahahahhaha!!!! amen.

  16. chelsea rae September 26, 2008 at 9:44 am #

    Ohh.. It’s sad ’cause it’s true.

    Surely you know about the $18 engagement ring, that he never got me & let to me calling off our engagement. $18!! 18!

    Man. If only i weren’t so high-maintenance.

  17. Kristen Ferrell September 26, 2008 at 10:17 am #

    My wedding ring cost $11. Actually, all 3 of my wedding rings cost about that much. Yes, I’ve had 3 wedding rings with Brad. I have a very very very long fuse, but once someone reaches the end of it, the explosion is astronomical. I stand on furniture, and laugh hysterically while screaming- and yes, I destroy wedding rings. One of them is somewhere in one of the gigantic bushes in the back yard. I like to throw them as far as I can with some grandiose notion that it will make some massive emotional impact. But you can really only do this once, and then if you try it again the dramatic effect is lost.
    For the record, Brad has also gone through multiple wedding rings with me. He has no fuse, and “quits marriage” quite a bit. He even ran over his wedding ring with the car once. But he “quits marriage” so often that I just get the giggles whenever he does his “That’s it, I’m outta here and not coming back” act.

    But $18 really isn’t much to ask for an engagement ring. I have a friend who’s ring was $12,000. $18 is the same cost of dinner and a beer.

    I’m so sorry, lady.

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