A few of my favorite things….

7 Oct

There are times (lots and lots of times) where I would like to destroy my husband.  There are times (lots and lots of times) where visions of my 3 inch heels being jammed into his eye sockets makes me giggle.  But then there are times that remind me why I fell in love with him in the first place, and that make me happily want to grow old with him (well… he’s already old… so he’ll just grow ‘older’).

One of those magical times where flowers and Care Bears shoot from my eyes are when he is talking to Customer Service Departments on the phone.  He has turned this into an artform, and really should make these calls a stand-up comedy routine.  These poor customer service representatives have no chance when they get on the phone with him.  Brad is now a good guy…. but because of his very checkered past of being an addict on the streets, he knows how to scam.  He only uses the “scamming skills” for good now (ie: fucking with Customer Service Representatives, or people from banks or credit card companies, etc)- but when Brad get’s going, it is a beautiful thing to behold.

He knows all the “sales people” tactics.  He knows their tricks and uses these tricks against them.  He plays the game like he was the one who wrote it.  He makes sure to find out the person’s name he’s talking to, and begins and ends every sentence with their name to emphasize that they’re “good buddies” (which is an old Sales Person trick).  IE his phone conversation with the Pinkney-Bowes customer service department today who was trying to trick us into paying an extra $120 worth of services that we never agreed to.  He was speaking with an elderly lady named Bobby.  Brad must have used her name 350 times in their 15 minute phone conversation.  “Well, Bobby, when we started with your services, the gentleman that I was speaking with never informed me of the year contract, Bobby.  And, Bobby, I keep detailed records of any conversation that I have when working with other companies, Bobby, and have learned to be able to see through the double-speak, Bobby…..”.

He makes the experience a game.  The more polite and chipper the Representative becomes, the more polite and chipper Brad becomes.  This builds and builds until they’re both oozing with false happiness, and giggling to each other- the whole time totally hating each other because of it.  But all the while, he listens very very carefully for things they may say that he can trap them in.

Today, the trap was recorded phone conversations.  Dear sweet Bobby didn’t realize who she was up against, and made the mistake of telling Brad that all their phone conversations were recorded and kept for review.  Oops, Bobby!!  You just fucked up!!!  Brad responded with “That’s FANTASTIC!!! If you’re unable to get your supervisor on the line, then we can totally work this out!  You find the tape where I agreed to the one year contract, and I’ll totally pay for it!!”

Poor flustered Bobby’s plan to back him into a corner with the threat of a recorded agreement exploded right in her face.  And in her flailings, she agreed to find the tape.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  She said that it might take a week… Brad said “That’s great!!”.  Then she said it might take 2 or 3 weeks… Brad said “Ya know, Bobby, I’m a really patient person. So that’s totally fine! I’ll wait!!… AND I’ll be sure and call back in a week to see how you’re doing with that. This is FANTASTIC, Bobby!!”.  If they can’t find the tapes (because they don’t ever keep them, OR record ALL their phone conversations like they say… I worked in customer service, so I know this), then we aren’t legally bound to this bullshit contract that they say we’re bound to because they have no proof we agreed to it.

And through all this, Brad is smiling, and giggling, and asking Bobby if her day is still going great like she stated at the beginning of the conversation, and with every new offer she throws out he responds with “OH MY GOD!! That’s the greatest offer I’ve EVER heard of!!!!… but I think we’ll decline”.  It’s fucking magic.

I’m trying to learn his game- but I’m just not good at it.  I get mad too easily… which is what they want.  They want you to get frustrated, and then to agree to whatever just to get off the phone.  But Brad will proudly state to them “I’ve got all day to talk with you… so let’s get started, Bobby.”  I don’t have all day, and I frustrate very easily when I feel I’m being fucked over, and I end up telling them I hope they get in a car crash on the drive home from thier pointless job.  I know this doesn’t help my cause- but it feels really good to say it.

So Brad has marked on his calender to give good ol’ Bobby a call exactly one week from now to see how the search for the missing tapes is going.  He’s hoping this goes on for months.  He LOOOOVES this kind of silliness.

And for that, I love him.

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9 Responses to “A few of my favorite things….”

  1. whitney October 7, 2008 at 2:44 pm #

    hahahaha! i love those calls. i myself can’t take them cause i get frustrated too easily or just hang up on them… but my mom’s husband (who has also spent some time as an addict) can pretty much do the same thing. and it can go on forever or last only a few seconds until the person gives up. it’s the same with solicitors… they eat up the fake “genuine” enthusiasm.
    if i have fishy crap going on with bills or those “extra payments” i never agreed to, i always let him handle it. haha.

  2. aprilfalling October 7, 2008 at 10:43 pm #

    i love you. and your blog. and giddy happy oozing bradley too.

  3. Cassie October 8, 2008 at 7:01 am #

    That is magical.
    My sister has that same ability, but her’s is a bit different. She can make anyone agree to whatever she wants like it was their idea in the first place. I cant even explain it properly. I used to have her call the cable people and my other bills and pretend to be me. It is truely a sight to behold.

    I am glad that Brad has this ability. You two fit so well, it’s adorable!

  4. Kararararalyn October 8, 2008 at 2:29 pm #

    sickeningly cute…

  5. christine October 8, 2008 at 3:24 pm #

    very adorable.

    I cannot handle those types of calls. I get super confused really easily when I cannot grasp all the information being thrown at me, then angry, then start screaming and being totally irrational. The man i marry is up for quite a challange.

  6. daMama October 10, 2008 at 5:45 am #

    I love his approach, its even better than mine! Does he offer classes on how to screw with their minds?

  7. Kristen Ferrell October 10, 2008 at 10:27 am #

    He needs to teach classes. He really is amazing with this!!! He doesn’t get flustered, or buy into their tactics, and he lets them know right up front “Hey, I work from home, so I’ve got all the time in the world to be on the phone with you. Let’s make a day of it!!”.

    When he calls back to “resolve” this issue next week, I’ll try to tape the conversation. It’s a fucking riot!!!!

  8. myshinyhell October 12, 2008 at 5:46 pm #

    That. Is. Awesome. Brad could make a living calling customer service reps for other people. I’m serious. There simply has to be a way to market your man’s remarkable phone talent.

    I love the idea you mention above of him teaching classes. I’d take that class! 🙂 xoxoxo.

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