How many times can an adult hurt themselves in an insane way for them to officially be considered a cartoon character?

3 Jan

…Big Audio- “The Globe” (I will never ever get sick of this song)

My clumsiness has become a running joke between me and my loved ones (mostly my loves ones, because I really don’t think it’s that funny).  I am covered face to feet with scars from my tumbles, have permanent damage to my brain from these spills, almost killed myself 3 times with incidents involving my long hair getting caught in things, and now have a cane on hand for when my knees give out due to past clumsy antics.  Yes, I’m a mess.

With that being said, here’s today’s story.  Sully got a Wii from Brad’s parents for x-mas.  I decided that I would hook it up today.  So I went into his room to get it, and as I’m walking out I slipped on the lid to his laundry basket and did a full Steve Martin half-flip with a twist, and landed square on my bad knee.  For about 5 seconds, I laid there motionless, thinking I was going to projectile vomit from the pain… but once the nausea had passed, the screaming of obscenities ensued (along with rolling around on the floor and punching all the walls that were near me).  Sully comes running into his room, a look of sincere and frantic concern on his face.  And as I’m rolling around on the ground, clutching my already swelling knee and screaming at the top of my lungs in agony… he says to me, “Is the Wii ok?”

Yes…. the fucking Wii was ok.

This is where I stand in my son’s priority scale.  As soon as he said it, he realized those were the wrong words to come out of his mouth at that moment.  And I answered him with “Walk away.  Now.”

And he quickly did.

Earlier today, I was reading all my news and what-not, and there was a headline that made me laugh out loud.  Not in a “happy happy giggle-fest” kindof way… but in a “holy shit, people are really really stupid” kindof way.  It was this article here:  “Bristol Palin goes on record saying “Teen Pregnancy Not Ideal”

Really?????? First of all, I am soooooooooo sick of the Palins’.  I’m more sick of Sarah and her family than I have ever been of anyone ever in my entire life.  She’s like that guy from highschool that I went out with once because I couldn’t bring myself to turn him down, and then he kept calling for weeks and giving gifts and was outside all my classes and even after I got a boyfriend would still leave notes in my locker etc etc etc.  She has been rejected by our country- but she’s still calling obsessively saying “No please really… just give me a chance… I’m really the one you want… PLEASE…. I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH…. JUST LET ME PROVE IT TO YOU…. I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY…. PPPPLLLLLEEEEEAAAASSSEEEEE!!!!!!!!”.  The patheticness of it is uncomfortable and a gigantic turn-off.

But back to her stupid daughter.  What the hell was she expecting?  Having a baby isn’t like getting a kitten.  It’s a little helpless human being.  And it’s HARD WORK.  There isn’t a teenager on this planet who should have to take on the struggles of being a parent.  That is why there is abortion and adoption and the pill and condoms and spermicidal gel and hormonal patches etc etc etc.  These are all things that should be HEAVILY emphasized in school and in the home and in church and everywhere else so that teenagers don’t have to grow up so damn fast, and so that these babies don’t have to be raised by parents who are NOT NOT NOT emotionally and mentally mature enough to take on the massive challenge of raising a child.  I feel really sorry for Bristol Palin, and for her boyfriend who had no idea the trouble he was getting himself into when he decided to get it on with S.P.’s daughter.  To all the parents reading this- go give your kid an industrial sized carton of condoms right now.  For all the teenagers reading this- go buy yourself an industrial sized carton of condoms right now- and use them EVERY TIME.  I don’t care if it “kills the mood”.  A screaming baby will “kill the mood” for the next 18 years.  Chew on that.

Back to the Wii.  I got a “Wii Fit” for x-mas.  It is rude.  It mocks me because of my crappy balance.  It calls me a “couch potato” and is condescending when letting me know that I didn’t fare well on one of it’s stupid challenges.  But there is no way for me to tell it to fuck off.  I’d like to start a petition to make this product a little more interactive, and allow me to slap the shit out of my “personal trainer” when she gets a little too catty.  Is there anyone else out there who would like to send letters to nintendo with me?  Because I really don’t think this kind of attitude is necessary in my quest to better myself.

I will leave you tonight with a photo of me and my mother.  She thought we were taking a nice picture, and she smiled really pretty.  She should have known that I don’t ever take “nice pictures”, and I didn’t smile pretty.  Sorry, Mom, for ruining- yet another- nice picture.


12 Responses to “How many times can an adult hurt themselves in an insane way for them to officially be considered a cartoon character?”

  1. svila January 4, 2009 at 12:25 pm #

    girls and boys you should listen to the wise words of kristen!!!! babies and kiddies are really nice but it is definatly a hard and unthankfull job too. i´ve got my girl(and she is great) with 20 and i´m a single parent since this time,i´m working like a dog cause i have no financial support.
    no doubt about my lovely girl(she is 6 and a little anarchist) and i have some funny jobs and i enjoy my life very much ,but the responsibility is breathtaking AND YES IT WILL KILL THE MOOD FOR A LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG TIME HAHAHAHAHAHA

    and kristen,you really have very beautifull teeth,i´m impressed *ggg*

  2. Kristen Ferrell January 4, 2009 at 12:45 pm #

    Children absorb so much time and money and energy it’s unreal. Everyone talks about how crazy their moms are- and ya wanna know why moms’ are nuts? IT’S BECAUSE THEIR KIDS MADE THEM THAT WAY!!!! Moms used to all be normal, well-adjusted people- then they had kids. Years of talking baby talk, and never getting a full nights sleep, and stressing over the millions of ways their kids could die, and having to deal with daily bombardments of human waste, and then the kid gets older and tells them to ‘fuck off’…. it ruins their brain. Seriously. Children are wonderful- but they turn you into a mental patient. Teenagers just are prepared for this kind of mental trauma. Use condoms. Lots of them.

    And thank you for the tooth-compliment, wonderful Svila!! It’s all due to braces in the 5th grade. Before that, I had an overbite that was beyond horrifying. Ha!!!

  3. whitney January 4, 2009 at 2:21 pm #

    first of all- i would like to know what happened on that camping trip that caused you to have crappy knees.
    second of all- are you okay???? 😦
    thirdly- the wii is okay, i gather.

    wii is pretty fun. i wish i had one. but i dont. i like it because its simple. i LOVE nintendo. i love how simple it is. any game controller with more than 5 buttons i cannot do… it’s too much!
    and i like playing the boxing game on wii. totally awesome.
    it’s a nice way to get those overly video game obsessed people (like my brother) to do a little bit more physical activity rather than just using their thumbs. way to go nintendo!

    barf on the palins.

    and i love love love! that picture! i saw it on flickr and just couldnt stop laughing. 🙂

  4. Kristen Ferrell January 4, 2009 at 3:30 pm #

    Knee injury: It was right before my freshman year in highschool (if I remember correctly), and I went on a family camping trip. We were canoeing down this river out in the middle of NOWHERE, and as I was getting into the canoe, there was this hole underwater that I accidentally stepped into. As a reflex, my entire body twisted 180 degrees in one direction while my leg was pinned stationary in the hole. CRACK goes my knee- for good. The major permanent damage came from us having to canoe for a couple hours until we reached civilization (it was swollen up 5 times it’s regular size by then), and then the inbred doctors actually wrapped it and told us to keep it bound. Binding it is the WORST thing you can do because it was all swollen soft tissue, and now my knee is permanently deformed and unstable. I was in a hip-to-ankle leg brace for months, as well as intensive physical therapy. The amount of over-compensation that I’ve had to put on my “good knee” has made it unstable as well, and it’s dislocated because of it, as well. I was a dancer before this happened- but that ended the moment my knee did. The bad knee now dislocates if you look at it funny… hence the cane that will forever be on-call.

    As far as the Wii goes, I really do approve of it as far as video games go. Sully has been playing my Wii Fit everyday, and I make him work out before he plays any of his other games. He actually jogged a mile yesterday!! And it’s really going to help him with his coordination with all the balance games it has.

    Double barf on the Palins. They’re totally dumb.

    I’m glad you approve of the photo. It makes me laugh, too. 😉

  5. whitney January 4, 2009 at 6:06 pm #

    oh my!!!! that’s horrible! i’m so sorry. 😦
    what’s the irony of injuring your knees/legs when you’re a dancer? or injuring any body part that you born to use for the rest of your life (ya know, hobby or career wise)…. kinda like the drummer from def leppard. loses his fucking arm!
    i mean, really what the hell?? i was also having these delusions that when i had my phlebitis something nutsy would happen, like i would form a blood clot in my arm and for some reason they would have to amputate it and then i would never be able to play guitar again! and i couldnt do what the drummer dude did and just add an extra pedal to my guitar to do all the work for me or play with my teeth or something.
    but yes, i am sorry about your knees 😦

    and if i lost my arm or fingers, i also couldnt play nintendo… and that would be a REEEEEAL drag.

  6. christine January 5, 2009 at 7:40 am #

    I’m waiting for the Palin’s reality show on Mtv to come out..

  7. Cassie January 5, 2009 at 7:54 am #

    Eventually I’m going to have to break down and get Lily a Wii. Damn kid doesn’t sit still when she plays regular video games, so I might as well make it worthwile. But then the whole ‘single mommy’ bit comes into play and the fact that I’m broke looms back into focus. Dang. Seriously folks. Condoms Condoms Condoms! I was 20 when I had her and STILL wasn’t ready for it.

    Love the picture!! And I love that you love that song as much as I do!!! I will listen to it forever and never get tired of it.
    Glad your okay. Well, as okay as you can be with an already bad knee.

  8. Kristen Ferrell January 5, 2009 at 11:38 pm #

    I had Sully at 21…. and 21 is too young. So teenagers- play safe. Seriously.

    Previously, I would only let my son use his gameboy thingy when we had really long car trips (4+ hours) or on plane trips. And any computer time had to be educational (I know, I know… I’m a totally lame mom).
    But I’ve kindof fallen in love with the Wii myself. And I love how into the Wii fit Sully is. I’ve mentioned in previous postings that he’s the clumsiest little fella on the planet. And there are tons of balance games that he’s really into conquering. And the games are all physically interactive- so he can’t just sit on his ass and zone out. Anything that will help him with his coordination and let him have fun doing it is ok in my book.

    And I finally got the snotty thing to compliment me tonight. Yes, I’m seeking it’s approval. Everyone can go ahead and judge me… I really don’t care.

  9. myshinyhell January 6, 2009 at 9:04 am #

    I’m sorry you fell and got more hurt… but the tale of Sully asking if the Wii was okay before his momma and the “Walk away. Now.” had me laughing out loud. Hope you heal quickly. 🙂

    I vomit on the Palins. Vomit forever. Eternal vomit. I am so tired of hearing about that stupid hick idiot and her stupid children and their stupid boyfriends and their stupid boyfriend’s stupid criminal mother. Stop it, media. Let it go. We’re just not that into you. To quote my friend Kristen: “Walk away. Now.”


  10. germinfested January 8, 2009 at 10:12 pm #

    This reminded me of you and Brad’s fax traumas a while back.
    Fucking telemarketers. Oh my god. That must suck. Fax machines scare the shit out of me anyways. I don’t know why, just one of my retarded phobias (another one is pregnant women). Anyways, I hope you get to use this out:

    Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim’s fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until the victim’s fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has somehow cheated you.”

  11. Lex, Agent of Chaos January 15, 2009 at 6:20 am #

    Not Ricardo Montalban! NOOOOO!!! And don’t get down on him for one of his characters opposing the Shat, he was awesome! All black (well, that’d happen anyway) today.

  12. hayley March 23, 2009 at 1:42 pm #

    It’s hilarious that once you fell over on you bad knee, your son immediately asked “Is the Wii okay?”

    Yeah, I absolutely hate the Palins. I don’t like to say I hate people, but they’re an exception. Sarah Palin is the biggest. fucking. hypocrite. EVER! She’s such a joke. The idea that she might try and run for pres in 2012 scares me. I’m happy i’ll be able to vote


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