Are you there God? It’s me, Kristen…

26 Jan

Yesterday I was told by a certain someone who shall remain nameless that my string of bad days is just my bad attitude talking, and that I should be thankful for the things that are going right.  After the day I suffered through today, this is my list of things that I am thankful for.

  1. I was not eaten by fire ants.
  2. No one I know or care about was eaten by fire ants.
  3. None of my appendages were severed, surgically removed, or randomly fell off.
  4. Nothing around me, on me, or inside my body spontaneously combusted.
  5. I did not have a grease fire thrown in my face.
  6. I don’t have the plague, nor have I infected anyone with the plague.
  7. Flesh eating zombies don’t exist… yet.
  8. I did not get beaten by a blunt object; nor did I beat anyone else with a blunt object.
  9. I will never have to take a high school math class again.
  10. I’m not  being forced at gunpoint to solve a rubix cube.
  11. My cats did  not eat my face off as I slept, mistaking me for a dead person.
  12. I have yet to find a pipe bomb hidden under my car seat.
  13. Ben & Jerry’s “Everything But The Kitchen Sink” ice cream
  14. The economy hasn’t gotten so bad that my family has been forced to use my paint as nourishment because we can’t afford groceries… yet.
  15. Rum.

To that certain someone who decided to give me that bullshit “that’s just stinkin’ thinkin'” pep talk…. eat a dick, you Positive Mental Attitude retard.  What the fuck ever happened to “I’m so sorry that you’re having a rough time”, followed by a hug???  The last thing someone wants to hear when they are indulging themselves in a moment of self-pity is a condescending pep talk (ESPECIALLY when that pitiful person is rarely ever allowed to take part in a self-indulgent moment of any kind except for on-line blog rantings).  When flesh-eating zombies finally come into existence, I’m sending them all your way and we’ll see how long your positive attitude holds up.  And I already gave the fire ants your address, gonad.

That is all for today.  Now it’s time for the rum, and Wii Fit balance games (there’s  nothing funnier than tipsy Wii Fit balance games).


14 Responses to “Are you there God? It’s me, Kristen…”

  1. chelsea rae January 27, 2009 at 5:41 pm #

    Because i was not eaten by fire ants, my cat, or zombies, i have only enough retarded positive mental attitude left to send you trans-continental hug.

  2. Carrie Ann Baade January 27, 2009 at 7:03 pm #

    Hi Kristen!
    You are adored!!!! Long live RUM!

  3. christine January 27, 2009 at 7:56 pm #


    I am very thankful zombies don’t exist. That would make work so much more depressing.


  4. Jeanne January 27, 2009 at 8:28 pm #

    I nearly choked reading your list. Tears are running down my face.

    And for this, I am grateful.

    Hugs, lady.

  5. daMamma January 27, 2009 at 9:47 pm #

    Looking at that list, life could be worse. Though some days one wonders how…

    16. You woke up this morning on this side of the sod.

    And that is a very good thing! You are allowed bad days, and sometimes they just pile up on you like you’re the guy with the football under all those other guys. A virtual hug is the best I can do for you… (((hugs)))! Hope tomorrow brings good things for you and yours Kristen. You deserve it.

  6. myshinyhell January 28, 2009 at 4:53 am #

    Oh wow. The title of this blog alone made me snicker, then I read the rest and choked on my coffee laughing. I was just reading about the French face transplant lady whose original face was eaten in her sleep by her dog while she was passed out on drugs and depressed (and she got the face of a suicide victim… I think that is awesomer than awesome). So I totally got your number eleven!

    You are hilarious. You should write a book. If you had a television show in which you talked for an hour as every episode, I would buy the DVD of every season.

    Now shut up and let a lady vent, Positive Mental Attitude retard! She’s cracking us up!

    I hug you from afar. 🙂 xoxoxoxoxoxoxxo.

  7. vert rouge January 28, 2009 at 7:58 am #

    you have the right to have bad days.

    take care!

    lâche pas!

  8. jamie January 28, 2009 at 7:31 pm #

    oh shit totally – playing Wii Fit and Wii bowling games at after parties was a “thing” this summer – totally hilarious.

  9. Kristen Ferrell January 28, 2009 at 7:39 pm #

    THANK YOU ALL FOR HUGS AND KIND WORDS!!!! I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling super shitty, that’s all I need. Hugs and kind words. Not to be told that along with everything else, my attitude and mindset are also fucked up. A little understanding goes a really long way with me.
    You all are my favorites. BIG HUGS to all of you!!!

    And yes… tipsy Wii Fit and Wii sports is a must for everyone. It’s just too funny to not try. Yay!!!

  10. butcherbaby January 29, 2009 at 2:46 am #

    i think i’m turning into a zombie. and then the cats and fire ants will start chewing off the appendages, and someone will throw a grease fire on them to make them go away. i will then spontaneously combust, and someone bring held sat gun point will have to beat the flames out with a blunt object.

    and the worst part of all?


  11. whitney January 29, 2009 at 8:29 am #

    yikes! what happened!? what did i miss!!

    isnt today the deadline for your “how long does is take brad and sully to pick up their shit” day?


    • Kristen Ferrell February 25, 2009 at 5:09 pm #

      The update is that by the end of the week, the house was trashed. They started to clue in towards the end when every towel was dirty, every dish was stacked in the sink, and the tumbleweeds of cat fur rolling through the house were large enough to be mistaken for the cats they came from….
      And they didn’t learn a thing.
      Big sigh to my messy fucking boys.

  12. Brian February 25, 2009 at 4:03 pm #

    is the title of this blog, from a old judy blume book? only you substituted your name? im pretty sure its a refrence to that book?

    • Kristen Ferrell February 25, 2009 at 5:07 pm #

      haha…. yup. I read it as a kid. It’s supposed to be a “must read” for every young girl… but I just thought it was weird and uncomfortable.

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