Jack Lalanne is a psychopath….

24 Feb

I could apologize every post for the fact that I haven’t been writing on here as often because life has decided to make me it’s bitch ala “prison style”… but I think that would start to get a little redundant and tiresome (plus, I don’t do guilt well).  So I’m just going to state one last time “I’m sorry, I adore you all, and I don’t mean to neglect you”…. and now I’m washing my hands of it.  We’re all busy and nutso… so you get it- right?  Smile, and say “Of course!”.  Thank you.  I love you.

Now…. on to the babble.

Jack Lalanne scares the shit out of me.  He scares me so much that Brad got me a Jack Lalanne belt buckle that says “Your waistline is your lifeline”.  For those of you who don’t know who Jack Lalanne is, you can check him out HERE.

Brad and I have gotten into many arguments about Mr Lalanne (stupid, right? I thought so).  We actually almost got into an argument just now because I’m writing this post about Mr. Lalanne (again… stupid).

Why do I think Jack Lalanne is mentally ill?  Because the man hasn’t had a piece of cake in about 60 years.  Seriously.  Not a cookie, or a spoonful of icecream, or a donut, or a cupcake, or any type of pleasant lovely.

Yes…. in my book, this constitutes as mental illness.  Am I being severe?  Nope.  Not at all.  Why?  Well, my dears, I’ll tell ya…..

Adult life is punishment.  Daily punishment.  We all have it.  The stresses, and day jobs, and taxes, and too many bills and not enough money, and fluctuating gas prices, and rent, and laundry, and housework, and dying relationships, and high-maintenance family gatherings, and parenting, and car troubles and so on and so on and so on.  Now, we all handle these stresses in different ways.  I’m pretty good at swallowing all my stresses, and ignoring them until I can regurgitate them out into my artwork.  Everyone has their coping mechanisms to keep from absorbing bullets or handfulls of pills.  These coping mechanisms allow us to smile through the foul and rancid bullshit, and accept it as “just the way life is”.  These coping mechanisms are beautiful things.

BUT then there are sugary treats.  As adults, we no longer are allowed the magical wonder that children posess.  I think that’s one of the reason why children are so appealing.  When you’re around a child, you can momentarily be excited over the simplicities in life through their eyes.  That raw wonder and innocence takes over our jaded hearts for a second- and we feel human again.  But then it fades, and all we have left are a stack of bills and a car that needs a set of new tires…. except when it comes to sugary treats.

Sugary treats make you 5 years old again.  That first bite of a cupcake you eyed in a bakery window is the closest thing to magic we’re going to feel until our last dying breath.  Maybe it’s just me, but after a rotted out craptastic day, the only thing that makes me smile is being able to eat a cake for dinner.  Yes… I will eat a whole cake for dinner.  Without an ounce of guilt.  Why?  BECAUSE I FUCKING EARNED IT!!!!  Waking up at 7 am, getting dressed, getting Sully ready for school, getting him to school on time while battling all the soccer mom’s shitty driving and then battling all the shitty Orange County highway drivers on the way to my office job that I had to take because the economy is so fucking traumatizing, then doing paperwork at a frantic rate for hours just to get back into my car and battle all those same bullshit drivers to pick my son up from school, and then do grocery shopping and run errands, then get home to help Sully with homework and clean the house and do dishes and laundry, and then make dinner and put him to bed, and then package orders and do website updates and balance business finances, and then try to be creative and paint because I’ve got gallery shows coming up….. YES!!!!!!  I AM ALLOWED TO EAT A FUCKING CAKE FOR DINNER!!!!  WE ALL GO THROUGH THIS BULLSHIT EVERY DAY- AND WE SHOULD ALLLLLLLLLL BE ALLOWED TO EAT CAKE FOR DINNER!!!!!  GOD-DAMNITTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS is why Jack Lalanne scares me.  The fact that someone would deny themselves the only simple pleasure that he has left in life just so he can do a hundred jumping jacks at age 91 has his priorities wrong (or at least in my book).  And the fact that he has been preaching this madness for decades terrifies me.  My heart goes out to all the poor souls who followed his path of self-denial.

So my anti-Jack advice to you this evening…. fuck your diet- have a cupcake.  Screw what the doctors say- have a donut.  Tell your dentist to suck balls and have some lollipops.  Blood pressure?  Diabetes? Cavities? Weight problems?  To hell with ALL OF IT and treat yourself!!!!! You have one shot on this planet, and only one life to experience joy.  We all struggle to keep our ducks in a row and be responsible with every other aspect of our life– allow yourself a little pleasure.  I KNOW that I’m looking at diabetes in my future because of my blood sugar problem… but I just don’t care.  I sincerely don’t.  Call me irresponsible… I dare you.  But my irresponsible ass is going to be happily downing a dozen apple fritters for lunch and smiling all the way to the grave while you’re starving on carrots and hating every second of your Pilate’s class.

And on my deathbed, I won’t regret a thing.  Scout’s honor.

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32 Responses to “Jack Lalanne is a psychopath….”

  1. Lucy February 25, 2009 at 1:48 am #

    YESS! I’m going to have pancakes and nutella for breakfast!! It is my motivation for getting out of bed!

    • Kristen Ferrell February 25, 2009 at 2:49 pm #

      I had waffles and nutella for dinner a few nights ago!!! I pretend it’s a sandwich… 2 eggo waffles with nutella in the middle. Sandwiches are healthy, right?
      If there’s a heaven, it’s made out of nutella.

  2. jamie February 25, 2009 at 7:14 am #

    i get more joy out of sitting in bed watching a movie or reading and eating ice creamn or cake or 2 orders of crab rangoon for dinner because it is MY CHOICE!

    • Kristen Ferrell February 25, 2009 at 2:51 pm #

      We’ve earned our dues. Our bodies have stopped growing and we no longer need to be filled with nutrition with every meal like little kids do (or at least that’s the story I’m going with).
      Sully is fed the healthiest food on the planet… but I’m with you. All I want to do is lay on the floor, watch a movie, and pour hot fudge shakes into my mouth via funnel.

  3. Megan February 25, 2009 at 9:20 am #

    I’m eating pie right now!!

    • Kristen Ferrell February 25, 2009 at 2:52 pm #

      YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      (i’m really digging this new “threaded comment” thing that wordpress has now. I can respond to each of my lovelies individually!! Wheeeeee!!!)

  4. whitney February 25, 2009 at 7:35 pm #

    i’ve literally been on a thin mints, peanut m&ms, carrot cake and other 75% off valentine’s chocolate goodies diet for the passed month. it’s quite exhilirating!

    let’s have a baking day and sit in front of weight watchers and eat it while looking into the window. mmmm…

    • Kristen Ferrell February 26, 2009 at 2:44 pm #

      THIN MINTS!!! mmmmmmmmm…….
      Have you had Trader Joe’s Peppermint JoJo’s? The oreo type cookies with ground up peppermint sticks in the frosting? They have dark chocolate covered peppermint JoJo’s too… which are UNREAL!!!! I actually made myself sick with those last month because I couldn’t stop eating them.

      • whitney March 12, 2009 at 1:51 pm #

        ohhh, yes i have had them. the first night i tried them is the same night i had my gall bladder attack! kinda iffy memories. but i don’t think that’s going to stop me from eating them again. i LOVE dark chocolate. i will have to try those. 🙂 yum yum!

  5. Cassie February 26, 2009 at 6:17 am #

    I have this weird thing about me…..I don’t eat sweets. I bake like Betty effing Crocker, but I just don’t have that desire for sweets. My man does though. Skinniest boy on the whole damn planet wakes up EVERY FREAKIN’ MORNING at 3am and eats cookies in bed.
    I don’t say anything except “No, really. I don’t want any”.

    My thing is salt. Give me some chips and I’m a happy camper.
    You have your cupcakes and I’ll have my chips and we’ll all die happy. =)

    • Kristen Ferrell February 26, 2009 at 2:31 pm #

      Ooooohhh…. I love the salty stuff too… but only if it’s deep fried. I went to the county fair this summer and ate like you wouldn’t believe. Fried zucchini, double fried potato wedges, deep fried twinkies, deep fried poptarts, deep fried oreos… etc.

      It was amazing.

      The more I think about it, I think I need a deep fryer.

    • whitney March 12, 2009 at 1:54 pm #

      sweet and salty go very well together. like chocolate covered pretzels. mmmm. so good. i also love the combination of cheese and chocolate. i dont know why. i eat goldfish crackers, then i need chocolate right after. i should bust out the chocolate fondue maker and start dipping cubes of cheese in it. holy crap!

  6. Andrea Jay February 26, 2009 at 6:50 am #

    last weekend i made red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. and then i gave 6 of them to a friend, and i ate the rest. sooooo delicious.

  7. christine February 26, 2009 at 8:32 am #

    we actually have a Jack Lalanne juicer at work..so we can make healthy drinks to feel good about ourselves before we indulge in cakes and candy. yum!

  8. daMamma February 26, 2009 at 11:14 am #

    Even though I have problems with my glucose levels I think I would just die if I didn’t have the occasional little sweet. What is life if you can’t have that much once in a while. Oh I do try to eat “healthy” most of the time (sadly one can’t live on goodies alone).

    You are right though, Jack is nuts and what is he 106 years old now?

    • Kristen Ferrell February 26, 2009 at 2:39 pm #

      I think he’s like 94 or something.
      I personally don’t want to live that long. That’s just ridiculous.

      But yes… we should eat healthy- but not deny ourselves the simple pleasures in life. Drop ‘counting calories’ for a while and eat some yummies guilt free. Once we’re dead, we’ll never get yummies again.

  9. Brandi February 26, 2009 at 12:24 pm #

    I eat ice cream with hot fudge for dinner sometimes. If I want it. And I don’t want vegetables… that’s the way it’s going to be. 😀

    • Kristen Ferrell February 26, 2009 at 2:41 pm #

      I have a hard time making myself eat vegetables. I don’t want them. I don’t crave them. If they’re right in front of me- I’ll eat them.. but never in my life have I gone out of my way for a carrot or broccoli.
      I take that back… potatoes. I’ve gone to the store just to get potatoes. But then I’ll bake them and drown them in cheese and butter- so anything that at one time might have been healthy becomes obsolete.
      And I’m totally ok with that.

  10. sara z February 26, 2009 at 10:56 pm #

    kristen, i love you. honestly. your blogs are the visual equivalent of cupcakes for my tired eyes (ESPECIALLY having to read supreme court justice scalia’s conservative/evil bullshit for school).

    i whole heartedly agree with you. adult life is punishing, soul killing, jarring and filled to the brim with bullshit you HAVE to do, not that you WANT to do. and you are so right… sugary treats are a mini-thank you to ourselves for not going apeshit and going on a shooting spree in the closest mall at the end of every day.

    oh! and my dinner tonight? GIANT serving of chocolate vanilla swirled frozen yogurt with copious amounts of mini-chocolate chips 🙂

  11. Psychedelikat February 27, 2009 at 7:41 pm #

    I love, love, LOVE this rant! I’d love even more for you to send this in letter form to Jack Lalanne himself! LOL

  12. Anonymous February 28, 2009 at 3:57 am #

    LOL!!!! i don’t mind jack, he seems like a pretty happy guy, so i guess his choices have worked for him. i have no doubt however, that he’s one of those exercise junkies that gets off on the endorphin high. not that long ago i was a dancing junkie, i’d got out 2 or 3 nights a weeks and dance literally all night. i’ve hit that level of endorphin rush and it’s pretty sweet.
    i still liked my goodies however.
    i have to admit that don’t like cake- just the frosting, and the batter. you can serve me my piece raw. however, i do have a fondness for pie- and the caramel apple walnut pie my hubby bought for my birthday actually turned out to be a peach pie in disguise, so i was doubly pleased.
    i actually don’t mind *eating* healthy, i just don’t like cooking enough to make the effort.

  13. Jen March 1, 2009 at 4:16 pm #

    All I want in life is that cupcake. Like… right now.

  14. watcat March 17, 2009 at 2:18 am #

    Hi this blog is great I will be recommending it to friends.

  15. RickD November 29, 2009 at 6:49 pm #

    Why not indulge in some heroin? You have earned it! Is there any actual difference other than legality? Both feel great, and they both reduce your life on various levels. Why have you drawn the line at cake?

    • Kristen Ferrell May 3, 2010 at 5:16 pm #

      Because I can function on cake. I can’t function on heroin. (or at least I’m assuming that I can’t function on heroin… I’ve never tried it. But cake works just fine)

  16. Charles Morissette May 3, 2010 at 4:13 pm #

    That actually made me sad for you, that you actually believe you’re threating yourself by eating a whole cake (seriously, WTF?)

    I’m a recently switched vegetarin you eats right (haven’t had a donut in what, 4 months, cake in 7, etc). What I’ve noticed is I have no more headaches, no more back pain and a lot of weight loss.

    Yet you guys live like my mother. You threat yourself to a whole cake, since you went through your daily bullshit – to then proceed to get a headache (part of what you consider daily bullshit), to then take advil which thins your blood and causes weight gain (and potential death). Now you’re fat, with a headache, and eating cake daily to sustain this. How exactly is this living, and not just some messed up mutant human hybrid of commercialization and hedonistic self loving narcissism in an extreme short sighted being?

    • Kristen Ferrell May 3, 2010 at 5:14 pm #

      Awwww…. aren’t you precious with your self-righteous bullshit!!!

      Hey there, recent vegetarian… I haven’t eaten meat in 20 years (I stopped when I was 14). I’ve done yoga for the past 10 years and I’m actually trying to GAIN weight because I only weigh 116 pounds (so you can choke on your reference to my body). And any headaches I complain about were caused from a serious head injury from 4 years ago that not only left me with constant crippling headaches but nerve damage and permanent short term memory loss. And I haven’t had an ‘Advil’ in years.

      You have NO CLUE, little fella, what my ‘daily bullshit’ consists of- or what ANYONE’S ‘daily bullshit’ is for that matter. Lemme guess…. you’re a 20-something single male with no real issues who just discovered “Fast Food Nation” for the first time (though everyone else took it in YEARS ago) and NOW you’re enlightened. Did I get it right? If not, you’re sure acting the part.

      And have you ever heard of exaggeration for comedic effect? Yes… I’ve been known to eat a whole cake in one sitting- and it felt GLORIOUS!! But I don’t eat an entire cake every day. Did you really take that literally? Really?! The entire point of this post was the massive extremes that Jack Lalanne goes through just to stay fit (a point that I thought was obvious- but apparently the obvious isn’t that obvious to some). I’d rather live to 60 and be able to treat myself than live to 90 and be able to still run 5 miles. But, then again, the idea of living to 90 is horrific to me.

      I know you must have been really proud of yourself for taking a stand against my cupcake indulgence… but sadly, it’s fallen on deaf ears. And I’m heading out to the bakery right now!!
      Lighten up and find a real cause. There are FAR worse things to get sad about in this world than me eating cake… especially since eating cake makes me so happy!

      • Kristen Ferrell May 3, 2010 at 6:36 pm #

        And what’s wrong with ‘hedonistic self loving narcissism’?!
        You don’t sound like you’d be too fun at parties.

  17. Mr. Jingles May 4, 2010 at 6:24 pm #

    Yeah, Jack La Lanne is a nutcase; I mean, why would anybody want to take good care of themseves physically & live a robust life. Naw, sit around & stuff yourself until you’re obese. Now, THAT’S living! And hey, if you’re lucky, you’ll have high blood pressure & diabetes, too. Also, heaven forbid that you lose weight; just accept yourself as a ‘big man’ or ‘big woman.’ That’s what Cass Elliott & Dom Deluise did. And it killed them both-yippee, yahoo…

    • Kristen Ferrell May 4, 2010 at 8:38 pm #

      Holy fucking christ… really? Are you guys really this fucking stupid? And are you sincerely getting worked up about a handful of people stating that they occasionally like to overindulge with sweets instead of living an entire life maniacally over-obsessed with their weight/exercise/body image/sugar intake/carb intake/etc? Did you even thoroughly read the blog or the comments left at all?

      Do you ever go out on the weekend and have a ‘few too many beers’? The amount of calories in a decent beer is 170 (maybe you drink shitty beer with fewer calories when you go out, but I don’t). The amount of calories in an average yellow cake cupcake is 130. On average, a person has 4 or 5 beers when they go out to a bar. On average, when a person goes on a ‘cupcake bender’, they may have 2 or 3. It’s all about the math, bucko. Do you walk around bars on weekends being a ‘health warrior’ and boring everyone to tears with your lectures of blood pressure and diabetes? If so, maybe you should have one of those beers and lighten up.

      But what amazes me is that this whole post was done in fun. Just playing around and kidding about extremes. But it’s ridiculous knee-jerk soap-box-addicts like yourself who have somehow lost any sense of humor and take things SO literally that you ruin the fun for everyone. It’s the ‘foot stomping’ at EVERY LITTLE THING that gives liberals a bad name, and makes people like you BORING. Maybe you’re not a liberal- and if you’re a conservative then your yawn-inducing preaching is expected.

      Either way- it’s all in fun. It was supposed to be funny. Everyone else (except you and 2 others) got the joke. And FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING PPLLEEAASSEE find a real cause!! There are so many political blogs out there talking about things that sincerely matter!! THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM!! We’re talking about cupcakes!!!
      Get a life.

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