Memoirs of a bad sleeper…..

25 Feb

I’ve always been a bad sleeper.  Nightmares, and screaming in my sleep, and sleep walking, and tossing and turning, and insomnia, etc.  It breaks my heart because I LOOOOOOVE to sleep, and there’s nothing more frustrating than to wake up exhausted after a horrible night of tossing and turning and nightmares.

My brains is really vicious when it comes to nightmares.  One of it’s favorite tricks to play is to have my nightmare start in the exact same setting as how I went to sleep.  I’ll get in bed and close my eyes to go to sleep, then open them again and be dreaming- but in my dream, everything is exactly how it was when I fell asleep so I don’t know I’m dreaming.  I used to have nightmares all the time that started out like this, but in the dream I’m paralyzed and unable to make any noise (only able to stare straight ahead)- but I can hear someone breaking into the house or killing Sully in another room (horrifying, I know).  I sometimes sleep with my eyes open (or so I’ve been told), so I think that’s where these dreams come from.  I hate these nightmares more than anything on the planet, and I will try to stay awake for days after having one because I’m so afraid of them.

My most common re-occurring nightmare is that my teeth have fallen out.  All the symbolism and dream analysis books I have say that teeth are a sign of power (which is why warriors in tribes make jewelry out of the teeth of their kills or the animals they’ve hunted).  I don’t know if that really ties into these nightmares or how much stock I put into dream analysis- but it seems to fit.  I feel like I’ve lost control or power over my current life situation- so out go the teeth.  I’ve always compulsively clenched my jaws and grind my teeth (sometimes so much that I give myself horrible headaches), so I’m sure I’m somewhat aware of this while I’m sleeping and this adds to the nightmares.  (Yeah… I’m a little tightly wound… I’m working on that.)

I had one of my teeth dreams last night.  But this time it was accompanied by some of my legendary sleepwalking.  In my dream, I got out of bed and could feel something weird in my mouth… like gravel and dust.  So I went into our bathroom, and all my bottom teeth were crumbling to pieces.  I knew I had to get to work in the morning, and that I didn’t have time to go to the dentist, so I started to panic about how I was going to keep my teeth intact throughout the upcoming day.  All the while, they’re falling apart like sand castles, leaving black bloody gaping holes in my gums.  Then, the muscles in my bottom lip went dead, and it would do nothing but lifelessly hang there exposing my rotting mouth.  If I tried to speak, it was nothing but a string of garbled nonsense followed by waterfalls of blood and drool.  I began pacing around the house trying to find something to hold my bottom lip in place so I could get to work in the morning.

And this is where the sleepwalking comes in.

Brad will usually wake up in the middle of the night and hang out in the kitchen until he can get sleepy enough to fall back asleep (he’s not a great sleeper either.. . but he’s just restless- not plagued with the bullshit that I go through).  He informed me this morning that I joined him in the kitchen last night.  He said that I wandered into the dining room (scaring the shit out of him) with my hands in my mouth, looking distraught.  He asked me what I was doing, and I started mumbling over and over (hands still in mouth) that I was looking for my teeth.  He said he didn’t realize what was going on until he looked at my eyes, and he said they were the eyes of a dead person.  Totally vacant.  After being thoroughly freaked out, he put me back to bed… though he said I laid there with my dead eyes open for a really long time, mumbling and playing with my teeth, giving him the creepin’ willies.

I’d really like for this to stop.  I’ve tried drinking “sleepy” teas and eating full meals before bed; drinking booze and taking pills; meditating and yoga; limiting the hours I sleep to just a few a night so that I’m frighteningly exhausted by the time I hit the sack; soothing music; etc.  You name it… I’ve tried it.  But my stupid fucking brain is dead set on playing mean games all night.  It’s really starting to piss me off… not to mention that I’m so damn tired when I wake up from my nocturnal adventures that I can’t think clearly enough to get through my days.

I’ve been asked over and over where I come up with the images for my paintings… my dead-eyed sleepwalking nightmares are where they start.  And I’d like for them to give me a little bit of a break.

Any suggestions?  Anyone?


33 Responses to “Memoirs of a bad sleeper…..”

  1. whitney February 25, 2009 at 7:47 pm #

    i don’t have any great suggestions….as always! last year, there was a period where i was having trouble just getting to sleep and a co-worker of mine who had insomnia had sleeping pills and gave me a few… that shit KNOCKED ME THE FUCK OUT. and even after i woke up after 8 hours of good sleep, the pills were still in effect and i got up outta bed and my legs felt like jell-o. it was almost like being drunk, but without the drunkeness. it was really weird. i don’t know what the pills were called… i still have like 6-7 left. maybe i’ll send you the rest. hah.

    as for the teeth dream, i’ve had those too. it’s scary as hell! it’s crazy how mortifying it is- losing your teeth.
    and i always have the same dreams where i am trying to run away from something, but i can’t even move… or i am reaallly heavy and can’t budge. it’s like i am laying on my stomach trying to army crawl and get myself up to move, but i just can’t scooch an inch. those are tiring and scary too. i dunno what it means…. another reoccuring dream i have is me standing outside of my childhood house at night… standing in the street, facing the house and then all of this blood comes pouring outta the house (like in the shining, only it’s slower and goopey-er)… and then i find this red action figure with yellow eyes and suddenly i’m in my grandparents backyard. AND another dream i always have has to do with giving birth. and what’s weird is that when i give birth in the dream, theyre always cats! there was actually one of the dreams where i was in front of my house again laying on the sidewalk and my uncle delivered my ‘baby’ cat and it was my old cat, but it was a kitten and it was all wet and gross looking. i dunno…. fucked up shit dreams can be.

    • Kristen Ferrell February 25, 2009 at 9:07 pm #

      I’ve tried the sleepy pills… but my body just can’t hang. When I’m super desperate, I’ll take half a vicodin- and I still feel like shit in the morning. It’s never restful sleep… just the kind where you close your eyes, then open them and *POOF!*- time to wake up! As if night never happened. I hate that.

      I just want to feel well rested…. for ONCE!!!!!
      fuckin’ lame.

      (and i will try to write more often… i promise!!!)

  2. whitney February 25, 2009 at 7:48 pm #

    btw thanks for writing again! i missed it.

  3. kasia February 25, 2009 at 8:59 pm #

    Acupuncture. I know, being an acupuncturist, I recommend it to everyone. But specifically, find yourself a really good five element practitioner. They’re basically the guys that do psychology with needles. Actually, its a hell of a lot more the psychology. Its mental, emotional and spiritual acupuncture.

    I used to have dreams where I was paralyzed and stiff and there was a creepy hand coming up out of the bottom of the bed pulling me down towards it. I’d wake up drenched in sweat and at the bottom of the bed where the nightmare was interrupted. Had me quite a bit of sleep walking as well, but nothing like yours. It all turned out to be due to a mess of other things in my life, but the therapy really helped me deal with it.

    You just *really* have to be ready to deal with it.

    • Kristen Ferrell February 25, 2009 at 9:14 pm #

      That’s a really good idea!! I didn’t know that acupuncture could help with that! I have some friends who are into that stuff, and they could probably recommend someone good for me around here (unless you know of anyone in Huntington Beach that’s good!). Thanks for the suggestion!!! 😀

      As far as therapy… Brad and I are in therapy. I usually just let him do all the talking because he’s FAR more fucked up than I am (hahaha!!). I don’t like talking. Well… I love to babble… I just don’t like to “talk”. That’s what my paintings are for… right? To express all the internal bullshit?
      (I guess that means that I’m not really ready to deal with anything, huh?) 😉

  4. Joey February 25, 2009 at 10:02 pm #

    oh yuck, i have had teeth dreams plenty of times myself. sucks. i wake up spitting and trying not to choke on them until i run to the mirror and realize they are all still in place.

    sleepy pills are scary. i was prescribed ambien awhile ago because of really bad insmonia… the first two nights were great, but the third night i saw all sorts of crazy shit. *shivers*

    i still have sleep issues, but limiting caffiene intake and getting serious physical workouts help some. sometimes throwing in a movie that i’ve seen 937047597 times can help too.

    if you have clocks in the bedroom try turning them away from the bed so that you cant see what time it is… also if your clock makes noise replace it with a silent one… captain hook syndrome…

    oh, and i take back any sort of defense i had for the octomom…. i didnt want to believe that anyone was as crazy, selfish, irresponsible as her, but then i had a nightmare that i was trapped being her.

    • Kristen Ferrell February 26, 2009 at 2:46 pm #

      Hahahahaha!!! Octomom is a monster. Seriously. I have to make myself stop thinking about her sometimes because her madness rolls around in my head and I get filled with blind rage.

      I’m going to try exercising before bed again. I HATE HATE HATE exercising… but I hate the nightmares/sleepwalking more.


  5. Thomas Alucarda February 26, 2009 at 4:38 am #

    I dont sleep much, because i dont need much sleep. May be you are a nightwoman and you sleep better in the day. when the night is finished. Some people sleep better in the morning then in the night.
    When do you make your art?
    Did you ever tried to put up some music, when you are in bed? Some people sleep better when they put up some music in bed!
    Its a pleaure to read your blog!

    • Kristen Ferrell February 26, 2009 at 12:16 pm #

      thank you, Thomas! 🙂
      My body wants to go to bed at 3 or 4 am, and then wake up at around 10 am. That is my “natural clock”. I’m totally inefficient until about 8 or 9 at night, then my super power forces kick in and I’m at my best. Unfortunately, when I have to be up at 7am every day, this doesn’t work out. By the time I’m really on a roll, it’s time for bed. I didn’t used to need any more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep- but as I’ve gotten older, this has totally changed.
      Why can’t everything be open 24 hours so that our bodies can be in sync with the rest of the world??

      • Butcherbaby February 28, 2009 at 4:26 am #

        ack- same thing here.i agree about the 24 hours, especially since most of the women i know are insomniacs and and ngiht owls. i’m not on a schedule right now, so i’ve ended up to where i am awake all night and sleep all day- literally. i have problems getting tired and *falling* asleep, but i usually don’t have a problem *staying* asleep- i can sleep 12 or more hours a day right now. i didn’t sleep at all thursday night, conked out reading in bed friday 9 pm, and woke up four hours later and still haven’t gone back to bed. my husband just can’t seem to “get it” since he is one of those despicable morning people. if we both got up at 6 am he’d be passing out by 9 or 10 pm and i’d still be up till dawn.

  6. myshinyhell February 26, 2009 at 5:35 am #

    Ugh. I don’t have good suggestions, as I am a lousy sleeper myself. I can fall asleep, but after a few hours I pop awake, ready to go! I look at the clock and it’s 2 or 3 in the morning. My kid wakes up at 6, just as I’m starting to get sleepy again, so I’m often awake from 2 or 3 a.m. I’m red-eyed and wasted by 6 p.m. To bed by 8 p.m. Cycle starts over. Bleh. I’m about to try melatonin because it’s holistic. My husband wants me to get Lunesta or Ambien from the doctor, but I’m too scared. I’ve heard those can be like bad drug trips. And my post-baby body really doesn’t need to start sleep-eating as a hobby.

    Nightmares suck, and it sounds like you win the Worst Nightmares Ever award. OMG. You have my biggest sympathies, my friend. I hug you. My nightmares involve post-apocalyptic scenarios, tornadoes or a pinkish-gray demon who looks like a burn victim alien and sits on my chest, not letting me inhale. I can’t move or wake up from those so I always try screaming, despite the “I can’t get any air” feeling. I know that if I can scream loud enough, I’ll wake up. When I do wake up, rather than screaming loudly, I’m always making some ridiculous weak-ass “Ehhhhh…” noise that makes me giggle once I shake off the heebie-jeebies from the creepy hairless demon guy.

    I read that you tend to dream about the last thing you thought about before falling asleep. That would make sense from a momma point-of-view. We worry about our kids. It’s what we do. If you’re worrying about Sully as you fall asleep, maybe that would cause a nightmare involving his well being that night?

    I have good luck with forcing myself to think about warm, fuzzy things right before I fall asleep, like focusing on my happy place. (Mine is in a sunny forest next to a trickling stream. Birds chirping, no bears. Happy bunnies eating clover. My acoustic guitar is there. You get the idea.) Maybe you could find images that make you happy and put them by your bedside where you can look at them while you fall asleep, since your brain won’t seem to let you picture the Happy? Then the eyes could FORCE it to go there. 🙂

    • Kristen Ferrell February 26, 2009 at 2:50 pm #

      I actually have framed pictures of cupcakes and Captain Kirk around my bed (yes, I’m serious… go ahead and make fun of me- I’m totally ok with it), but yummy treats and Star Trek never seem to make it into my dreams.

      I have a hard time picturing “happy”. My brain tends to be filled with yuck. I know that I need to work on that, and I will more since this works for you.

      Evening exercise, zen happy thoughts, and more pictures of Captain Kirk. That’s my new ‘to do’ list.

      • myshinyhell February 26, 2009 at 5:19 pm #

        The lady who just described her “happy bunnies by the trickling stream” mental meditation scenario will NOT be mocking your Captain Kirk, don’t worry. *hides face self-consciously*

        I’m trying the consistent evening exercise thing for the same better sleep reasons (and to get my flabby ass in shape, of course). It sounds so gimpy, but my little sister told me that she puts a sticker on the calendar for every day she works out. I laughed at her, and then she mailed me a sheet of happy flower stickers, so I’ve been doing it. And I’ll be damned if she wasn’t right. It’s surprisingly motivating. I want to put my sticker on the calendar! Just like an eight-year-old girl! I want my sticker!

        My dork: let me show you it. 🙂

      • Butcherbaby February 28, 2009 at 4:18 am #

        when i was a kid and couldn’t sleep (which was ALWAYS), i’d make up little fantasy scenarios in my mind and play them out till i went to sleep. sometimes i’d end up dreaming about whatever it was i’d thought about. sometimes i still tryt hat, though i don’t actually have much to fantasize about these days except winning the lottery. so yeah, visualizing your happy place just might help.

  7. dollypop-amyjeen February 26, 2009 at 7:25 am #

    insomnia , bad dreams and night terrors.
    i oh so know how this is.
    i also get sleep paralysis, which is like a night terror.
    wake up, can’t move but what i was dreaming seems to still be going on.
    i have trained myself that when this happens, i tell myself over and over , it isn’t really happening and everything is ok.
    i then either fully wake up or completely fall asleep again.
    it tooks about a year to be able to do this.
    hopefully, nothing will ever actually happen, like my fiance being murdered while i lay there thinking “oooh it’s all allright”.
    that is probably what i will dream tonight.
    and since i was kid , my mom and docs have tried eeeeeeeverything, from naturopathic to drugs.
    so far, the only thing that really works, for me at least, is dosing myself benedryl.
    most otc “sleep -aids” are just some form of antihistamine.
    not sure if you have tried that.
    and i am aaall for acupuncture. please let us know if it helps.

    • Kristen Ferrell February 26, 2009 at 12:07 pm #

      What I’ve found helps me to sleep is booze. Is it the healthiest way to solve a problem? Absolutely not. Do I care at this point? Absolutely not. It does get annoying have a ‘sober guy’ living in the house giving me those “I’m concerned you’re developing a problem” looks… but until my 1 stiff drink before bedtime turns into 1 stiff bottle of rum before bedtime- I will continue to roll my eyes as I ‘bottoms up’. With the nightmares I have, Brad could easily wake up at 4am with me and my ‘dead eyes’ standing over him with a knife… so he should be thankful for my nightly stiff drink.

  8. christine February 26, 2009 at 8:36 am #

    in Greek cultures loosing teeth in a dream is a sign of someones imminent death..eek!

    • Kristen Ferrell February 26, 2009 at 12:01 pm #

      Sully informed me of this yesterday. How my 10 year old knows this, I have no idea. But he got really worried until I told him I’ve been having the teeth dreams for years, and I’m not dead yet. But I should probably double-up on my life insurance for the little guy just in case. 😉

  9. daMamma February 26, 2009 at 11:22 am #

    My sis goes through a similar thing with the weird nightmares and the sleep walking. Mostly it is only when she is stressed out about something but it really scares her as she found herself outside once.

    My heart breaks for you, this sounds frightening as hell and I don’t know what to suggest to help you out. I do hope you find the right answers to get some restful dreamless sleep. (at least nightmare and walking free)

    • Kristen Ferrell February 26, 2009 at 12:12 pm #

      This does happen more when my stress levels are higher. But to get rid of those stress levels, I’d have to get rid of my husband, economic strife, and kid. I don’t think any of those things are going anywhere in the near future, so I’ve got to up the ante in my coping mechanisms… and try to get Brad and Sully to behave (haha… yeah, right!).

      I am scared about leaving the house during my little adventures. Thankfully, we live in a safe quiet neighborhood!!

  10. hayley g February 26, 2009 at 11:43 am #

    maybe try going to a sleep clinic?

    • Kristen Ferrell February 27, 2009 at 10:35 pm #

      Are they free? And can they come to my house? Because I’m bound to my home by 2 unruly boys who are unable to care for themselves.

  11. Brandi February 26, 2009 at 12:32 pm #

    I have the tooth dreams too… frequently, but I’m a total control freak so I can see why. Most of these dream involve me running around dark alleys looking for some back door dentist that can fix my teeth before anyone can see I’ve gone hillbilly. It’s horrific.
    My brother has terrible night terrors … it’s that first hour or so that they begin, so he self medicates… I think he smokes some weed before he goes to bed now, which is better than the oxyconton he was using. I bet you could get a prescription out there if you’re not totally opposed. It just really blows being reliant on anything at all for a good nights sleep.

    • Kristen Ferrell February 26, 2009 at 2:54 pm #

      The very few times I’ve smoked pot, I’ve immediately been transformed into this weird quivering crying thing in the corner. Chemicals and me don’t play well together. I can’t even imagine what my body would do with oxycoton!!! I think it’s why my 1 stiff drink before bed helps- my chemical tolerance is so low.
      I do hate having to rely on anything… but we gotta do what we gotta do- right?

  12. beth February 26, 2009 at 4:22 pm #

    I feel your pain. ALthough the nightmares, as scary as they are, are a great source of inspiration and creativity. So they serve a positive purpose.

    The comedian Mike Birbiglia is a now infamous sleepwalker; he is doing an off Broadway show about his experiences:

  13. Candice February 26, 2009 at 9:31 pm #

    Oh man, I wish I had some advice. Sometimes when you blog about your dreams I get a wee bit creeped because you are literally almost word for word describing my sleep (or lack thereof), except I haven’t sleepwalked since I was younger. I guess I’m glad to know I’n not the only one. Many people don’t understand the anxiety involved in being afraid to sleep because of the nightmare you already know you’re going to have. One of my recent bad tooth dreams was that they all crumbled in my mouth, then I accidentally swallowed them…and then threw them all up (all sooooo very lucidly & graphically of course). Lovely, eh?

  14. Psychedelikat February 27, 2009 at 7:34 pm #

    Hey Kristen. I’ve never had teeth dreams…and I feel terrible for you. I usually have very restful sleep and the occasional vivid dream, but none like what you go through. 😦

    After I discovered I was pregnant last month with my first baby, I started having really crazy disturbing dreams, like being in a house with a crazy middle eastern family and the father kills one of the kids because he disobeyed and chopped him up and hid him in the water pipes. It was so disturbing I could even smell the decay in my dream! Ugh. (I think it was directly after hearing about the Muslim man who had beheaded his wife).

    I was thinking acupuncture, too. And maybe once you start talking more in therapy, the dreams will subside? Good luck.

  15. nicole February 27, 2009 at 8:25 pm #

    kristen, that totally fucking blows!! i wish i had some good advice for you, but all i can come up with is having a drink or two about an hour before bed.. that usually helps me. your liver may not like ya too much, but hey, at least you might get some sleep? i’ve been sleeping like shit lately, but sometimes it helps if i try to will myself to sleep.. in my head i just keep repeating sleeep, sleeep, or relaaaax (kind of like a creepy magician in my brain is trying to hypnotize me).. it sometimes works. i take zoloft for panic attacks &i noticed right after i started taking it a few years ago, i slept so well for like a month straight. i’m def not pushing drugs though, &zoloft’s side effects suck ass.. like sweating like a fucking boy. totally not cool after pretty much not ever sweating, even as i thought i was having a heart attack while doing cardio. gross haha. maybe try a natural supplement like melatonin or valerian, although long-term use may not be a good idea, i’d ask your pharmacist if it would be okay to take.. they’re usually pretty helpful. =) sweet dreams of cupcakes &doughnuts, hehe.

  16. Butcherbaby February 28, 2009 at 3:09 pm #

    dammit! why doesn’t my comment want to post!

  17. Butcherbaby February 28, 2009 at 3:10 pm #

    i’ve never sleepwalked, but i had a boyfriend who did, so i know what brad’s talking about with the eyes. his would be glazed and bloodshot, and he would walk around, eat, watch tv, talk, even have sex without remembering a thing the next day.
    i do have problems with bad dreams though i rarely have really horrible ones like yours *knock on wood* though i’ve had two where i had to kill people with my husbands battle ready replica celtic sword that he keeps by the bed. and ever since my mom went in the nursing home and subsequently passed away, i’ve had awful dreams about her- she was a strong willed woman and could be an absolute harpy at times (then again, her example taught be to have a backbone, unlike many women). all my dreams are about her at her absolute raging worst, about when she became senile and mean as hell, about her decades long denial that her house was a filthy shithole, or denial that my brother is an abusive drug addicted piece of shit that used her to the very last dime he could. yeah, therapy, i know….
    what sucks is that one of my asthma medicines- one that works really well for me and i can’t really do without- has a side effect of strange dreams, and so does ambien, which is like my sleeping lifeline. i’ve taken it for over 7 years now, and i’d rather be “hooked” on that little white pill forever than lay awake for hours or days because that’s just torturous.

  18. Butcherbaby February 28, 2009 at 3:11 pm #

    melatonin never worked for me, and after my valerian/half a unisom/chlor-trimeton allergy pill cocktail stopped working, i had to move up to the big guns. since the last year has been so stressful (literally the most horrible year of my life) ambien doesn’t always work like it should. my doc has tried all kinds of other stuff to help me sleep: trazadone- which should have knocked me out cold but didn’t do jack shit, restoril- which is a super strong benzo used for sleep but again, did jack [except if i was having a major panic attack, then it was like super-strength xanax], and seroquel- which combined with ambien made me sleep like a baby, but also made me gain more than 20 lbs in two months, which is totally unacceptable. lunesta pooped out after a month or two -but it might work for you if you have to go there- i didn’t have any major dream issues, and it was pretty gentle. really low doses of trazodone might help too.ambien might just make yur dreams worse.
    i seem to have a high tolerance to the “sleepy” side effects of most drugs- i can take a handful of vicodan or flexeril or even xanax and not get a bit drowsy. i’ve taken oxycontin & morphine without even getting tired or a buzz. i think my happy pills [celexa & wellbutrin] have something to do with the tolerance. one thing regarding ambien & lunesta, they don’t give me morning hangovers or drowsiness, but any antihistamine based sleep aid will big time, even if they didn’t actually make me fall asleep.
    i don’t know if any of that was helpful. i just know how frustrating it is to not be able to sleep when you want or need to. i’d give anything a try if you think it might help. the acupuncture sounds interesting. and exercise, yeah, it is good too, but not too close to bedtime or you’ll still be all riled up.
    oh, can’t forget this- i had a dream the other night that i met you at a flea market and we were laughing and joking and buying vintage 80s leather pretend neck bandannas that were all jaggedy edged and trimmed with studs & chains. hahahahaha! a good dream for once!

  19. Jen March 1, 2009 at 10:55 am #

    The terrifying dreams you have that leave you paralyzed sound like night terrors. That’s what the Dr. told me I had when I was younger because I had terrible episodes where I would visualize an intruder and then be unable to react at all… but I could swear I was awake the whole time.
    Usually children have them at a very young age… but it can carry into adulthood.
    My mom always made me warm milk & honey to drink before bedtime. I hate feeling “hungover” from sleep aids…

  20. DeeStroi July 31, 2009 at 7:05 am #

    Wow I have very similar dreams all the time. I get violent when I sleep. I talk, scream, cry, punch and throw things and one time I woke up with bloody scratches all over my arms. My dreams are extremely violent. The past 4 nites in a row I’ve had dreams about my teeth falling out! It wont stop and its bugging me. I’ve also heard teeth falling out is a symbol of your financial state. *lol* i guess that explains a lot. I also do the think where Im still awake but dreaming. I remember opening my eyes the other nite and seeing to people standing over me watching me sleep. I screamed “Get the fuck outta here!” and whipped my pillow across the room, knocking a bunch of shit off of my dresser which made a loud noise and then “woke” me up. I’ll throw anything I can get my hands on.

    whats wrong with our brains?

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