Purging the junior high mindset and destroying the existance of “Girl vs Girl”

26 Jul

*Disclaimer:  This is an issue that is very near and dear to my heart- so if I get super wordy or drone on, please forgive me.  The more I care about a topic, the more I rant.

For those of you who have tuned into my babble on a regular basis, you know that I would be tucked into the category of “Knee-Jerk Feminist”.  I’m ok with this label.  Actually- I see it as a compliment to be so ‘Pro-Lady’ that I’m known to stand up for my gender in any situation.  This is a good thing.  I think our culture needs more of this to balance out the damage that it’s inflicting on our ladies- young and old.

One of the greatest barriers that we ladies have in our culture doesn’t come from men- but from other ladies.  It’s the “Girl vs Girl” mindset… and it’s an epidemic that’s only getting worse.  This breaks my heart because the people who are “keeping us down” the most are us.  This makes me scream and want to tear my hair out, and I see it all the time from little girls at my son’s elementary school, to teenage girls at shows I go to with Brad, to ladies my age and older.  It breaks my heart.

Here’s a little sociology for you (please forgive me if I get a little technical and boring for a minute- but it’s necessary for me to get to the point of this soapbox ranting):  girls in our culture are raised to hate each other.  It’s not taught to us by our parents or at school in a direct manner- but through our observations of the actions of other women, messages from the media, male-dominated religion (if we’re raised with one), and our society’s behavioral norms.   It’s a sneaky and underlying life lesson that we get loud and clear from the moment we become aware of our gender- though it’s not written in a text book.

This “girl hate” starts when we are very young, it stems from low self esteem, and it’s generated for the sake of boys.  Again, this isn’t something that is outwardly taught- it’s behavioral conditioning.  Girls are more psychologically driven than boys; more introspective and in touch with feelings.  This is part nature and part nurture.  The nurture aspect comes from what we learn our role in society to be, and how we are taught to deal with emotions.    First- our role in society… you can have the most enlightened, open minded, and supportive parents in the world- but society’s messages are still going to come through loud and clear.  From the moment a baby opens it’s eyes, it’s taking in the world around it and learning from it.  Gender identification starts at around age 2 or 3… when we first become aware of the fact that we’re like mommy or like daddy.  At that point, a child begins to take notice of other people with their gender to learn from them and mimic that behavior.  Our culture does our girls a massive disservice with this due to the fact that it is driven by the media.  I removed the television from our home when Sullivan was 3 years old- but he STILL knew about TV shows, products, catch phrases, social male roles, and ad campaigns from other kids or by just picking things up when we were out running errands (magazine covers, billboards, ad placement and products in stores, etc).  You cannot escape the media- and the media is there to make us feel like we’re missing something in life so that we are attracted to what they have to offer.  It’s a gigantic mind game.  And since our culture is driven by the media, it’s creating a culture of want and desire, which turns into a culture that feels “less than” (ie: low self esteem)- and that is all being eaten up by our children.  When you have a little girl who is BOMBARDED by images of beautiful “perfect” women who appear to be filled with happiness and fulfilled and are surrounded by men- this is the beginning of what girls THINK they should be.  We go on diets, wear make up, sexy clothing, etc etc etc, in order to be the women that we’ve been raised looking at- and to get that desired man… and lord help anyone who gets in our way.  Strike 1… we learn that a woman is thin, beautiful, sexy, dolled up, with a prize man on her arm (or surrounded by men all wooing her).

Now on to how we as women are taught to deal with emotions.  We aren’t.  Plain and simple.  Boys are done a huge disservice with this as well- but they are allowed to express anger.  We aren’t given that luxury… and anger (and all the feelings that develop into anger, such as hurt, jealousy, inferiority, etc) is the most destructive emotion to repress.  When boys are mad at each other, they can duke it out, or scream and yell, and aggression is more accepted.  But girls are never taught how to deal with anger, and an aggressive little girl is handled by authorities as if she has psychological problems.  We’re taught quiet acceptance, submission, and to smile through it all.  Since we are psychological creatures- all this anger is turned inward, and comes out as “mind games” and manipulation.  We learn how to get what we want, and how to get back at who we see as a threat or has wronged us by hurting their FEELINGS (which is far more painful than a punch in the face… the “Sticks and stones may break my bones” rhyme is the most bullshit thing you could teach a child, because words can scar for a lifetime… and hurt little girls know this and use this).

So you take society’s lessons of “In order to be a REAL woman you need to be thinner, prettier, more graceful and more elegant than the other girls so you can win that lovely man on your arm”.  And you couple that with being forced to repress our negative feelings which bubble and turn into internal rage and low self esteem- and boom!  You’ve got a culture of ladies who are set out to destroy other ladies at all costs- turning all those feelings of inadequcy, hurt, and rage at other ladies who we perceive as having what we don’t.  We’ve all been through junior high- and this is the PERFECT example.  Junior high girls are the most vicious creatures that have ever existed because their insecurities are at their peak, but they haven’t perfected their manipulation skills.  So the mind games that are played between these girls are obvious and BRUTAL…. and they are ALWAYS surrounding some boy, or picking on a girl that doesn’t live up to the beauty standards of society (which is simply just the bully girls showing off that they DO fit the standards better to draw positive attention to themselves- ie: the pretty girls picking on the overweight or awkward girl).  They traumatize each other to prove to their peers that they are the prize girl.  It’s disturbing.  And girls only get better at it as they get older.

I know this is long winded- and I apologize.  But in order to stop this sick cycle, all that has to be understood. We can’t change the media, or advertising, or those destructive aspects of our culture.  What we CAN change is our outlook on other women, and ourselves.  I see girls playing tricks and fucking with other girls all the time (girls directly fucking with me and my life, or fucking with friends of mine), and it makes me so sad.  I used to behave like one of those junior high girls when I was in junior high and high school. If there was a boy I wanted who already had a girlfriend- I’d go after the girl with twisted games while getting close to the boy.  I had “best friends” who would do this to me- even having sex with my boyfriends (long before I was even thinking about having sex) just to prove that they could take any boy away from me- therefore showing me they were more of a woman than I was.  It’s all so unbelivably fucked up- and it makes permanent scars on a person that they’ll carry with them into their adult relationships.  By age 33 I had hoped to be rid of this kind of bullshit- but it is still alive and well.  Gross.

How is this stopped: by understanding the motivations of other girls, accepting other girls, and teaching by example… but also behaving in a way that doesn’t threaten other girls.  When I see a girl with a gigantic chip on her shoulder, or behaving coldly towards myself and other girls but vying for the eyes of the boys- THOSE are the girls I try to act the warmest to.  Those are the ladies that need to learn to trust other women, and not see them as a threat- and you can help to change that in them by behaving in a kind and trustworthy way.  Open her eyes a little bit to the fact that girls are not the enemy- no matter what life has taught her.  Another, more common, situation is “the jealous girlfriend”.  Half of my closest friends are guys.  And time and time again, I’ve been faced with the new girlfriend who isn’t comfortable with how close I am to her man.  HER FEELINGS ARE TOTALLY OK.  Society has taught this lady to be weary of any woman who could sabotage her relationship with this guy she cares about.  In all these situations where my guy friends have told me “my girlfriend doesn’t like you” or “she’s jealous of you”, I either take a few steps back from the friendship until the girlfriend gets more comfortable in her relationship with the guy, OR I make sure that when I hang out with my fella-friend, she’s with us and can see that I am in NO WAY a threat.  Yes, it is a total pain in the ass to have to deal with a jealous girlfriend… but understand where she’s coming from, and respect her insecurities.  Don’t make yourself more of a threat with a “Fuck that chick!” attitude, or being secretive with your friendship with him.  It just makes things worse, and it’s disrespectful to the other girl’s feelings and your friend’s relationship.

Why am I droning on and on about this?  Because it’s important.  Not only on a social scale, but on a personal one as well.  My female friendships are the closest and most valuable ones in my life.  The bond that 2 girls can have is far closer than anything I’ve experienced- and it’s sad for me to see women robbing themselves of that.  But on a larger scale, the “female vs female” hate runs so deep in our culture that it keeps us down as a whole.  The fact that we have to even have the term “feminist” shows that we are not seen as equal to men, and until we all put this petty bullshit behind us and start working together- nothing will change.  The successful million dollar making female CEO will continue to be a novelty, while girls will aspire to be strippers.  If you have a daughter- teach her everything that I’ve mentioned in here.  Let her express her anger, be open with her feelings, and explain to her why other girls are so mean.  Understanding is the first step to change- and teach her to be a positive example to the broken little girls out there.

That is my “everybody love one another” lesson for today.  If you stuck with me this far, then you get a gold star and a kiss on the cheek from me.  I’m now off to play in my garden and paint for a while.

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39 Responses to “Purging the junior high mindset and destroying the existance of “Girl vs Girl””

  1. juju galaxie July 26, 2009 at 6:37 pm #

    amen!!
    I was lucky enough to have a hippy mom so i got to express a lot and be what i wanted.
    Being naturally thin was not a gift to me back then and i envied those curvy girls something fierce!!
    when they would tell me i was too skinny or whatever out of insecurity i would say something about how i wish i was curvy like them. They would be so surprised that they would soften right away…and it was so true!

    Ah…it is so silly isnt it?
    lets all stop this silly stuff!!!
    i am tired of all the rules and regulations!!

    • Kristen Ferrell July 27, 2009 at 4:31 pm #

      It’s something so silly… but it can turn into serious damage and trauma. I’ve found, like you have, that if you respond to cold girls warmly- they do soften up really quickly. I’ve got to fight really really hard to not be cold and standoffish towards new girls I meet because of all horrible things done to me in the past by other girls, or by girls who claimed to be my friend. I don’t trust many people, but I try not to let that keep me from being really kind and accepting of other ladies. We all have our baggage, we’ve all been through hell, and we’ve all had to endure feeling horrible about ourselves. Since we know where other girls are coming from- we should be more understanding… right?

      • Kristen Ferrell July 27, 2009 at 10:54 pm #

        PS- I covet the curvy girl body, too. BIG TIME!!!!!
        Brad told me the other night that I had the body of Iggy Pop, and I wanted to throw myself out of our moving car. He said it was a compliment because he would love to have Iggy Pop’s body… but ya just don’t say that to a lady. Ever.

        • whitney July 27, 2009 at 11:12 pm #

          telling a lady that she has an Iggy Pop body is DEFINITELY NOT a compliment…. yeah, he’s got a cool looking body for the kind of guy he is, but that doesnt mean we need to look like him!

          and as far as i can tell, you do NOT have an Iggy Pop body.

        • DeeStroi July 30, 2009 at 8:04 am #

          hahaha oh no Brad! He says the craziest things.

  2. LRA July 26, 2009 at 8:34 pm #

    You go girl! I agree 100%! My girlfriends mean everything to me. Plus, I can talk to a girl and actually be heard (whereas a man may or may not actually hear/understand what I’m telling him, hence making me feel worse than before). I live in/grew up in Texas, were female friendships are a big part of the culture. When I lived in NYC (for 4 years) I had such a hard time making female friends! There was a real girl v. girl mentality there that I never fully understood. It made me really sad.

    Thanks for posting on such an important topic! 🙂

    • Kristen Ferrell July 27, 2009 at 4:45 pm #

      Being from Kansas, I’m used to more open and friendly people (like you grew up with in Texas). I know lots of AMAZING girls in NYC- but there is a MASSIVE girl vs girl vibe there that makes me shrink. Here in Southern California, it’s TERRIBLE!!! This is such a shallow superficial place, and girls are BOMBARDED with negative messages more than anywhere else that I’ve experienced. You can’t go anywhere without seeing massive billboard ads for weight loss, botox, boob jobs, teeth whiteners, strip clubs, hair removal, stretch mark removal, etc etc etc etc. Billboards everywhere we look telling us we’re ugly, inadequate, and replaceable.
      Girls in my son’s elementary school are getting manicures, going to tanning beds, wearing make up, mini skirts and platform shoes. THESE ARE CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 10!!! They all look like little hookers! And they all HATE each other. The shitty comments that they shoot back and forth at each other from their classrooms to the bus after school blow my mind! I had it bad as a kid, but it really didn’t start until 5th or 6th grade. These kids are starting as early as 2nd and 3rd!! It makes me want to cry.

      • whitney July 27, 2009 at 11:15 pm #

        what blows my mind is that parents are stupid enough (and huge pushovers i’m sure) to let their little girl go out and get these manicures and tans. it’s so gross. it reminds me of those beauty pagents…… ::heaves!!::

        • Megan Tweed July 28, 2009 at 2:53 pm #

          Years ago, after learning childen’s thong underwear was a reality, I named my first band The Hot Children. Totally in reference to this phenomenon. NOT GOOD, PEEPS.

      • LRA July 28, 2009 at 8:41 pm #

        Good grief! SoCal sounds a lot like Dallas (the plastic surgery capital of the US… believe it or not!) LOL! That being said, there are still lots of sweet, if insecure, girls in Dallas.

  3. whitney July 26, 2009 at 10:26 pm #

    “. So the mind games that are played between these girls are obvious and BRUTAL…. and they are ALWAYS surrounding some boy, or picking on a girl that doesn’t live up to the beauty standards of society (which is simply just the bully girls showing off that they DO fit the standards better to draw positive attention to themselves- ie: the pretty girls picking on the overweight or awkward girl). They traumatize each other to prove to their peers that they are the prize girl. It’s disturbing. And girls only get better at it as they get older.”

    so fricken true…. that shit happened to me. i was fine in elementary school being a tomboy… and then when i got into middle school this girl brittany lampson (who is probably the only person on earth i would REALLY want to kill if i could, haha) teased me EVERY DAY of 7th grade cause i didnt dress girly or wear a lot of make-up and she would call me a lesbian and have boys pinch my butt in the hall. yeah, that shit stays with you for life. that was over 10 years ago and i am still pissed about it.

    and basically everything else you’ve mentioned… ‘best friends’ sabotaging me and guy friends’ girlfriends not liking me cause i’m another girl…. it’s ridiculous!

    i don’t not like other girls because i see them as a threat by being another girl…. i don’t like other girls if theyre just an all-around shitty person.

    so, yeah, i’m with you, 100%….

    • Kristen Ferrell July 27, 2009 at 5:16 pm #

      You’re right- if a girl is just a shitty person, then that’s that. I’m in no way advocating anyone going out and befriending totally broken and vicious women just to try and open their minds up… because that is just a suicide mission. There are girls out there that are just too far gone. And it’s sad, and I feel for them because I know why they’re broken- but to let their drama and venom into my life just isn’t worth the pain and trouble it will bring. My husband has some female friends that will forever be kept at arms length from me. They’re nice enough ladies- but I know ladies too well, and I KNOW by maneuvers they’ve pulled or the way that they act that if I let them in close, it will be nothing but trouble. And it’s happened to us before (where I gave in and let one of these troubled ladies too close to me and my marriage- and it was INSANE the amount of drama and hurt feelings it caused).

      This doesn’t mean that I’m not kind to them. I try to be kind to all ladies. But yeah- shitty people are shitty people… and shitty people should be avoided.
      🙂

  4. Kristin July 27, 2009 at 12:27 am #

    There is a really good book about this that I read for a women’s studies class that I think you might like to check out. It’s called “Where the Girls Are: Growing Up Female with the Mass Media” by Susan J. Douglas.

    It’s very entertaining but informative because she is so good at putting a voice to all of these things that usually go unspoken. (As are you by the way- I have followed your blog for years now!)

    Please check it out, you won’t be disappointed!

    • Kristen Ferrell July 27, 2009 at 5:26 pm #

      I’m looking that one up on amazon right now!! I love learning more about this, and finding out more ways to try to make things better! Thank you!! 😀 xooxox

  5. Tawni July 27, 2009 at 5:11 am #

    Awesome and true. I love when you rant on this subject because it is so near and dear to my heart. (But if I ever try to talk about it with people around me, especially men, I get the “You’re such a feminist!” dismissal.) (Which I see as a compliment, but they intend it as invalidation of my opinion and intelligence. I’m sure you know exactly what I mean.)

    I really like that you’re addressing that girls are expected to choke down all anger, smile and make nice. I’ve put the feelings of everyone else ahead of my own my entire life because of this lifelong brainwashing. (Go ahead and shit on me emotionally, I’ll smile and take it like a good girl. Fuck that.) This socialization is nothing less than emotionally poisonous for women and it comes out in awful ways. And anger turned inward can lead to self-loathing and depression, which can lead to all of the destructive behaviors you’ve listed. Ugh.

    I so agree that beaten feelings hurt way more than physical beatings. I’ve had both. I wrote a song called Sticks and Stones for one of my bands. The chorus: “Break my bones, I don’t care, but when you hurt with the words, that’s not fair.” Sound familiar?

    Like yourself, I had hoped to be free of the bullshit by my thirties, but even though I can see much of it for what it is and refuse to participate, I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be able to shake the effects of our Never Enough media brainwashing. Never thin enough. Never pretty enough. Never smart enough. Never good enough. Never enough material stuff in your life. I can’t even say the words “I am enough” out loud without getting misty-eyed, because I want to believe it so fucking badly, but I know that I don’t. (Yet, she added optimistically.)

    Great write on a very important subject, Kristen. Thanks for sharing your magnificent brain and right-on emotional thoughts with us, as always. xoxoxoxxoxoxoxo.

    • Kristen Ferrell July 27, 2009 at 5:40 pm #

      Ya know, I read in a blog of yours forever ago about how a friend of yours wrote “I am enough” on a piece of paper and put it on her mirror so she could look at it everyday to remind her that she WAS in fact enough. I loved that idea so so so much. And I tried it… and am sad to say that after a couple days I took it down because it made my stomach clench up too much. I’ve delved into psychology enough to know that because I reacted that way, I SHOULD have kept it up for keeps. But I couldn’t. In my head, I know I should try it again.. but in reality, I’ll probably just make a mean painting where I’m an awkward gangly knobby-kneed donkey girl with too many birds coming out of my throat to be able to speak… again.

      Expressing anger and feelings is the most important thing a little girl can be taught. They need to be heard- or else they’ll shut up forever. I’m working really hard on that one right now… but after a lifetime of shutting up, it’s hard to know where to begin… ya know?

      I heart you, Tawni.
      xooxoxox

      • Tawni July 29, 2009 at 5:05 am #

        I’ve tried it too, the “I am enough” taped on the mirror. I took it down for the same reason! It’s hard to battle the Worthiness Demon everytime you’re in the bathroom, even though, like you said, that means we need to fight harder than we thought. Maybe we should try it, like, just on the weekends or something? 🙂

        It struck me, your mean painting description, because when I’m being mean to me, I refer to myself as a big “moose girl” because I feel like this awkward, clumsy, tall creature in a world of delicate, graceful, petite girls. And the throat birds… they’ve still got me. I’m a shy, interpersonal trainwreck. I recently spent a meeting with an academic advisor trying to figure out a way to finish my bachelor’s degree without having to take speech/public speaking. I told her that if you make me take that class, I’ll break out in big, red, splotchy hives and have a panic-induced asthma attack. Self-esteem: I gots none. It sucks. I’m working on it.

        You are so right about anger and little girls. In the same way that little boys need to be taught that it’s okay to express emotions, show sadness and cry, little girls need to be taught that it’s okay to be mad and show it. And that they don’t have to put everyone else’s feelings ahead of their own. We don’t aways have to be NICE. We only have to be HUMAN. Damn it.

        I heart you too, you amazing, beautiful woman. xoxoxoxoxoxox.

  6. christine July 27, 2009 at 6:29 am #

    Great topic…I run into this soo much, its so depressing. I grew up around a lot of men, and always have been comfortable befriending guys, and soo girls are threatened by this. So, from there, I would try hard to make girl friends, and not too many of them make it easy!!

    I know girls have a hard time with self-esteem, and no girl is perfect, but I ran into a lot of girls hating on girls who were naturally thin..I was always the ‘tall, skinny girl’ in school, and I cant tell you how many rumors circulated about me having an eating disorder. Girls learn to compete with other girls,and its DISGUSTING!! I had to weed out so many girls in my life because I just couldnt deal with them anymore, and luckily, I found a small group of solid friends who aren’t obsessed with attacking other girls. I also found that girls who tend to attack other girls are drawn to one another, they feed off their negativity, and they make their agenda pretty obvious. It just makes it easier for the rest of us to avoid them and gravitate to girls who are all about sticking together and not tearing each other down with silly petty things, but then again, not becoming one of those girls who ‘cannot be friends with girls’.

    • Kristen Ferrell July 27, 2009 at 6:38 pm #

      I grew up surrounded by boys, too. Brothers, and loads of family friends who only had sons or daughters much younger than me- so I had a hard time understanding girls growing up. Because of this, I was easily manipulated by girls- and super evil ones at that. It took a while for me to figure it all out- but now I can spot the really bad ladies a mile away… and I can also weed out the good ladies who just have a really hard protective shell. Hard, protective shells are totally understandable…. but the ones who want to be your friend to take you down- those ladies you run from. Either way, they’re all a result of being raised in this society. Some girls grow out of it, some girls have to be shown the way through open and caring ladies, and some ladies happily stay in the hate.
      I can’t imagine my life without my girlfriends- they’re my sanity. And I try to keep in mind when I meet a lady-hater just how empty her life must be… and even if I keep her emotionally at bay, my heart does go out to her.

  7. nicole July 27, 2009 at 3:04 pm #

    thank you for bringing this subject up, kristen! it’s ironic, how every woman out there relates to this subject (whether she admits it or not), yet, there remains this ‘women vs. women’ mindset. it’s really sad, because it’s totally unnecessary. &you’d think we’d all be able to ‘outgrow’ this jealousy thing after elementary school, middle school, &high school, but instead it just seems to be reinforced.. i’ve had tons of bad experiences with girls who i called ‘friends,’ so i hate to say it, but i tend to gravitate toward men. they’re usually easier to relate to, &tend to be a little less drama-centered than women, although even that is not 100% true all of the time. anywho, it’s really funny you posted this right now, because i’ve been thinking about this issue a lot lately. i spotted a book at my (male, haha) friend’s house &started reading it, &it provoked a lot of questions in my mind. it’s called ‘woman’s inhumanity to woman.’ i just started reading it, but it’s pretty intriguing.. i’ll give you a review when i’m done, haha, but i encourage you to check it out for yourself!
    xoxo nicole

    • Kristen Ferrell July 27, 2009 at 6:46 pm #

      I think it can get worse as we get older because when we’re young, the foundation for insecurity is laid. Then as we grow older, there are more and more things to be insecure about. More and more things that we’re “failing at” in society’s eyes. First it’s our appearance, or our social acceptance, or who we date or want to date, how well we do in school or any social and recreational things we do, then college, then work, then marriage and parenting and home life, etc etc etc. It builds and builds… and we’re getting bombed everyday with messages of how we SHOULD be- but NOONE lives up to that. And we can tell ourselves that NOONE lives up to that- but our brain and our heart rarely speak the same language. All that insecurity has to go somewhere- so we lash out at the people who we THINK have what we want… or at people who we see as “below the social norm” to make ourselves feel better.
      If women are able to realize what they’re doing, then they can try to stop it. But it’s so “normal” in our society, that most women don’t even question their hateful behavior.

      But I’m definitely going to check out that book! I love that I’m getting a good little reading list from this posting! Yay!!! 😀

  8. N I C O L E July 27, 2009 at 7:20 pm #

    This is my junior high life in a nutshell…and yeah, it still pisses me off that I had to endure all that girl on girl hatred, but hey, I’m a better person because of it.

    • Kristen Ferrell July 27, 2009 at 10:38 pm #

      I feel the same way. It’s made us who we are, and I wouldn’t change anything I went through.
      Well… I take that back. I’d like to take out a couple of “beat up Kristen in the bathroom” experiences when I was little. Ya really only need 1 or 2 of those, and the point is made. Right?

  9. anna July 27, 2009 at 9:53 pm #

    wow i am sooo glad that you thought to write this,i am a litle older 44,and i did not have this in middle school,girls were not like that but as i was about 16 or 17 i knew at least 2 girls that always wanted to sleep with other girls boy friends or would put me down and then smile and would all the sudden become interested in a man as soon as i started seeing him.yeah the last female friend i had was 20 years ago,i feel uncomfortale around women and i dont know why i would rather hang with guys,its funny i never realy thought about it untill now,i wish i could find a female friend but i dont ever seem to click although i have a couple of girls i hang out with on ocasion.i also noticed and my guys have concured this unusual phenomina ,it seems some guys i start dating will say that as soon as they started seeing me that otherrealy hot girl that just semmed not thats interested all the sudden wont leave them alone ,myn other male friend says if he is walking with agirl on campus other girls seem more interested instead of when he is just alone,i dont know maybe a coincidence. anyway thanks for sharing,anna

    • Kristen Ferrell July 27, 2009 at 10:56 pm #

      That just goes to show that these things don’t go away as we get older and supposedly “mature”. The girl-hate just gets refined. You should try to really bond with some of these ladies that you hang out with occasionally! Give them a chance! Male friends may be easier- but a solid female friend is the most priceless thing on the planet.

  10. ike July 27, 2009 at 10:23 pm #

    Teamwork and communication gets us out of our minds and onto paper and song and speech. I can understand my hidden opponents as beggars. Ones who would gloriously fulfill themselves in a frenzy, lifting them away from responsibility. Children have leaps and bounds requiring connection. Hold the queer and crazy before they end up in serious states of confusion. Thieves without a period of mourning. Besides Ebenezer Scrooge made us friends with ghosts. Imagine a child content with cartoon phantasms. No way in hell.

    • Kristen Ferrell July 27, 2009 at 10:36 pm #

      I’m blown away by your randomness.

      • ike July 28, 2009 at 6:20 pm #

        oh yeah right… Earlier today a mouse crawled up in our outdoor grill,…(*unsolicited brain message…)”that Mouse must hate Kristin Ferrell,… That mouse isn’t gay.” ?What gay mouse wouldn’t live in a grill? humbug.

        • ike July 28, 2009 at 6:33 pm #

          and people seek the emotional exhaustion that qualifies them as the brain dead shit bags they themselves stayed up too late plotting the destruction for.

        • Kristen Ferrell July 28, 2009 at 7:13 pm #

          Do gay mice hate me? I have a gay cat- so I would think the mice would be aware that I lovingly embrace the sexual preferences of creatures, great and small.
          And the unsolicited brain message spelled my name wrong.

          • ike July 29, 2009 at 2:21 pm #

            Like the gay mice are here to be eaten? What business does this mouse have surviving in our grilling appliance? I saw the nest and the mouse standing on the heating element looking at me like cast iron food town was the best thing for it? Isn’t that like storing food in the doghouse? What about next to the grill under the wooden thing that isn’t shielded from reptilian predators? No one is gonna tell the little fucker there hasn’t been a snake in wooden thing town since the dawn of time. Cause I don’t speak mouse.

  11. lindsay July 27, 2009 at 11:38 pm #

    I used to work in this club that had primarily older members and it was just full of 60-80 year old women that were so clicky and constantly putting each other down. It was so middle school. It was really sad to know that some people never grow out of that behavior. I got so tired of hearing it.

    I think it will just continue to get worse too because there is more and more pressure on girls every day to be a certain way, to look a certain way or act a certain way. Girls in elementary school with eating disorders, viciously fighting each other, wearing make up etc. Most of them don’t seem to have a childhood anymore.

  12. Megan Tweed July 28, 2009 at 3:01 pm #

    Every woman has a handful of horrifying girl against girl stories. There is enough content on this topic to facilitate an entire website. The read would be a heartbreaking and unavoidable admission of failure as a society.

    Love that you have a ton of heart for this topic — as do I. I scream it, you paint it. 🙂 XO

  13. Renee July 28, 2009 at 3:07 pm #

    I think so many women can relate to this girls vs girls problem.There are alot of really good points made on here and I would like to know what people think the solutions should be. Ill share some of my ideas or thought processes that i found have worked very well for me.I dont usually have trouble getting along with women ,but i find myself befriending women who seem dislike other women and getting them to open up . And i see lots of cases where girl vs girl blind hate comes into effect. I myself am human and have inward battles with who i am and who society thinks i should be ,but one way i prevent disliking women who i think have something more or something i wish i had is really stopping to analyze what i envy about them. Usually Its superficial or something that i create in my mind to be something more that it is. I remind myself that everyone has doubts and issues and that instead of envying or disliking that person i think of them as art. I try to find out as much about them as i can. By doing this i change envy into an interest and usually have a positive outcome. If Im observing something i like about a person or am enviouse of that person its usually because they have something in common or something i like. So by talking to a person i can usually make a really great friend or have a really interesting conversation. Worst case senario they are rude or not someone i would be friends with my envy for them is lost because of there attitude. Same if i feel someone is threatened by me i go out of my way to befriend them and show them know i am not a threat.Also i try and focus on beauty not just in a superficial aspect but also as an emotional. I sum people up by only there positive aspects so if they do something to upset me its usually a justified reason of me disliking them .Instead of judging a book by its cover or judging by what the media says is acceptable.I hope my little rant makes sense i tend to babble on alot of the time. Also i constantly have to remind myself to think this way… it is a daily challenge because the media and other people are so negative but i think its helped me alot and hope it could help someone else.
    thanks for reading and i hope to read more on this topic.

    • ike July 29, 2009 at 4:56 pm #

      The interactions you discuss are very indicative as to the degrees of manipulation people face in the real world. You are ranting because dealing with some other parasites inhuman masterpiece reminds you that parasites do indeed exist. I guess all we can do is try and understand hidden versatility within Ice-T’s Cop Killer track.

  14. DeeStroi July 30, 2009 at 8:14 am #

    Thats why Im terrified about having kids, especially a little girl. Its hard out there for a girl. I always thought I wanted kids when I was younger but now Im not so sure. The world is such a cruel place. But I applaud all you mommies out there that teach their kids the right things like Kristen. I think you need to write a book. You have lots of interesting things to say.

  15. Nick October 24, 2009 at 8:52 pm #

    This is really true: I’ve seen this happen a lot growing up myself, but especially in my younger sister’s friends. I think you’ve got a great positive way of dealing with the problem. I’m gonna send her this article.

  16. Caitlin January 17, 2014 at 4:15 am #

    I just found your blog and I am loving every single post. Usually I’m more of a photo blog kinda girl and I was secretly hoping I would find more art and wip pictures but I have to say after reading your opinions and views (and yes, rants :P) I’m an even bigger fan.
    As a 21 year old feminist, I can relate to this post completely. Sadly when it comes to arguing my viewpoint and getting my own ideas across in conversation I usually just end up red faced and raging, partly at myself for not being able to express myself articulately enough so in really love reading such a well read post on something I believe in.
    I could go into my high school experiences, or even my current ones, where girls will return my smiles with death stares and have flings with their friends boyfriends, but my experiences are neither new or remotely interesting, just more examples of our worlds sad state of girl rivalry.
    But as long as girls and women like you and everyone who’s commented here exist I can hold out some hope when it really seems hopeless. I believe the only way women are going to move forward and break out of societies bullshit is if we stick together. Our bonds with each other can be the strongest and most rewarding of all and as soon as we all realise this, and realise that we’re all pretty bad ass, and don’t need to tear each other down can we be strong enough to change our world into one that accepts us as humans instead of objects.
    There is really nothing more awesome and heart warming than confident, friendly, ass kicking ladies. That’s the girl I want to be and that’s the girl I want to be friends with.

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  1. Old embroidery project « Thread and Buried - September 16, 2009

    […] a fair amount of) is just a waste of time.  Kristen Ferrell posted exactly how I feel about this here.  Here is a little […]

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