Me vs my stalker….

27 Dec

I am currently hiding in my office, trying to teach Sully some independence with cleaning his room.  A little ridiculous to be hiding from an 11 year old?  Totally… but this is the child who will hop over to wherever I am in the house every 3 minutes or less (no matter what I’m doing) to let me know exactly what he is up to- all day, every day, no matter what.  Endearing… in theory.  But in practice, after a few hours of this I want to scream at the top of my lungs.  When he’s been asked to clean his room, the 3 minutes turns into 30 seconds, and he becomes a human “wack-a-mole”- popping his head in moment by moment with every toy, drawing, and piece of garbage to ask me if he should keep it or where he should put it.  He started cleaning his room at 7:15 this evening…. it’s now 9:50.  This task should have taken 20 minutes.  I’m about to lose my shit.  So yes… I’m hiding in my office behind closed doors, with a sign taped to the outside that says “They are your things, so you decide how they should exist”.

I haven’t written on here in FOREVER because there has really been not a lot to report.  I’ve been trying to cruise through the days: going to work, hanging out with Sully after work, house chores, Sully to bed, drawing and painting, hanging out with Brad or running around with friends , then off to bed.  The daily routine etched in stone.  But since I’m a creature of habit, I enjoy my routines… so this is good.  Though the one constant that has made it’s way into the daily ritual that I would desperately love to be rid of are the headaches.  The blinding, pounding, begging for another vicodin headaches.

I’ve had headaches to varying degrees since my head injury a few years back… but lately they are jumping up and down like a toddler on crack in my skull screaming “LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!!!!!”.  They are desperate and needy and clingy and overwhelming.  And the past couple months they’ve been worse than ever.  On a pain scale of 1-10, they never go below a 4.  They are with me when I wake up in the morning, sitting behind my right eye (where the impact of the head injury was), and stay with me throughout my day and into the evening like bold stalker.  Sometimes the stalker stays in the background and lets me have moments of productivity (though never really leaves- that’s when the pain is at around a 4 or 5 on the scale)… but then there are times (like today) where it is a loud and fully confrontational entity, forcing me to the ground screaming “WHO’S YOUR DADDY, BITCH?” (and that’s when it’s at about an 8 on the pain scale).  It’s tiring to be in pain all day for months.  And even though I’m pretty awesome at putting on a smile and going about my day as if the stalker isn’t screaming in my ear- it’s there.  Always.

I went to my doctor last month to talk to her about it.  It was the first time I met with this doctor, so as I was going through my medical history with her and was explaining why I was there to see her,  all she wanted to talk about was my sexual history and whether or not the tattoo parlors I go to were sterile.  I finally convinced her that I wasn’t looking for a bunch of pain pills but rather a solution to my pain problem, so she sent me to the lab for bloodwork (which I found out later was a full STD panel even though I told her that there was NO chance of me having an STD), and she gave me a referral to a neurologist.  Thanks for nothing, lady.

Jump to a month later, I meet with the neurologist.  I tell him what I go through every day, how the pain just won’t stop, how some morning when I wake up it’s so bad that I can’t even open my eyes… and he says “Welcome to the world of head injuries”.  That’s it.  That’s all I got.  I asked him what I can do about it, because a handful of advil doesn’t even smooth out the rough edges.  He says “they may go away, they may be there for the rest of your life”.  Again, that’s it.  That’s all I got.  I asked him about pain meds, and he says I have to go back to the original doctor who assumed I was an STD riddled pain med junkie looking to score.  So I left his office without any testing, answers, or relief to what my pain-stalker is doing to me everyday, feeling 100% defeated.  It looks like my stalker is going to be with me for a long long while.

I have about half a bottle of vicodin that a dear family member gave me, and since they are now more valuable than gold to me I only take them when the pain goes over a 7, and on the other nights after Sully goes to bed I have a few mixed drinks so I can sleep.  But this is not how I want to spend my days.  And I’m not satisfied with what the doctors said- but it feels totally pointless to keep going back to them.  So I’m stuck in an abusive relationship with my brain.  Fucking bullshit.

On a lighter note, I spent the weekend playing with chihuahuas…. which was hilarious watching multiple chihuahuas standing around each other too nervous and shaking to play, and then watching a kitten vs chihuahua battle at my neighbor’s house.  They’re totally ridiculous little dogs.  Our holidays passed without incident (my favorite kind of xmas is the kind I can ignore), and I am FINALLY gearing up to get new stuff on the webstore.  I’m baby-stepping it back into production of new items since the economy is still rocky- but there will be new fun soon.  I promise.

Now off to do some yoga with Brad, eat pills, crochet some magical toys for some magical friends of mine who very much deserve magical toys, and to bed.

I miss you all…. and I would promise to write more (and I hope to), but I don’t want to make myself into a liar.  So I’ll just say big hugs until next time!!


16 Responses to “Me vs my stalker….”

  1. hayley December 28, 2009 at 12:14 am #

    I absolutely HATE doctors for that same reason: You have a problem, they’re the ones to go to, they know it, and use that dependence against you. Here’s an example. 3 whole fucking months ago, I see a doctor about a creeper looking growth on my arm that had yet to heal or stop bleeding. Instead of examining it first, he demands to know what caused it, what I did to get it, how long it had been there, etc. I wanted to scream in his face, “YOU’RE THE DOCTOR, I’M THE FUCKING PATIENT! YOU HAVE THE FANCY ASS MEDICAL DEGREE! USE IT!” Basically they act like your condition is no big deal to them, and you’re another $75. Luckily my little growth is benign, but here’s the other fun part. I had to get an approval to get it removed by THEIR dermatologist, the actual getting the approval took two weeks. I made the appointment 2 months ago. My actual appointment is in 2 weeks. Fuck doctors.

    I love playing with chihuahuas, especially my best friends chihuahua. But boston terriers are always better. That, and my shih tzu.

    • Kristen Ferrell December 28, 2009 at 5:26 pm #

      I don’t expect for doctors to automatically KNOW everything that’s wrong with me, but I pay my insurance every month, and I’m paying the damn co-pay- so I’d at least like it if they pretended to give a shit!!
      Thank god your growth was benign!! How scary!!! There’s no reason to make you wait that long… if it was something serious, you could have been a goner by now!!!

      I’m pretty entertained by all weird little dogs. I don’t want to own one- I just like laughing at them. 😀

  2. brandy December 28, 2009 at 12:37 am #

    please, please, please find yourself a good acupuncturist. i suffered with pain like this for YEARS. i’m only kicking myself that i didn’t find my amazing osteopath/acupuncturist sooner. i very rarely have headaches anymore and he also cured me of a disease i was told i would have for the rest of my life that had no cure. doctors just don’t know what to do with pain other than give you drugs and especially with migraines you may just be putting off the pain to a rebound headache that is even worse later. i’m so sorry you were treated this way by your doctors. i went through the same thing with the std screenings and the doctors thinking i just had drug seeking behavior. so frustrating. but acupuncture is amazing. it’s NOT an instant cure and can take several sessions but with patience you could likely be doing much, much better. ❤

    • Kristen Ferrell December 28, 2009 at 4:53 pm #

      Brad actually recommended this to me the other day. If conventional medicine isn’t cutting it, then we’ve got to go to other sources. I’ve heard that has worked wonders for people who have had horrible and depressing diagnosis’ from their conventional doctors. So it’s very much on the list for things to try.
      Thank you so much!!!

  3. Lucy Wade December 28, 2009 at 3:23 am #

    Aaaahhh that is SO crap you have had a dose of useless doctors. It is so infuriating to be told utter bullshit that any idiot could tell you, or that you know already… Or better still.. stuff you know is wrong! I’ve had all of this over and over, I totally don’t trust doctors. They also seem to always contradict one anothers advice (in my experience)…. My advice would be to get more professional opinions.. Maybe you could ask one of your friends to recommend you their doctor.. (but I don’t know how much that would cost! At least we have a national health service… as crap as it is).

    I hope that you can gain some clarity and relief from your headaches soon. Xxx

    • meowshell December 28, 2009 at 4:05 pm #

      Seriously, although some doctors are horrible, some are amazing, so you should definitely get a second opinion just in case something actually is wrong (and if there is, maybe you can do something about the piece of shit doctor that discriminates against her patients because of a few tattoos because she should NOT have a fucking medical license)

      • Kristen Ferrell December 28, 2009 at 5:04 pm #

        I was pretty disheartened by the first doctor I went to. I had never experience that before, and it made me really uncomfortable. I think I’m going to try to cover all my other bases first (with holistic care and acupuncture) and if that fails, go back to the doctor… but a different one this time. Because I really don’t feel like I was taken seriously the first time around.

    • Kristen Ferrell December 28, 2009 at 4:57 pm #

      Lucy- I KNOW you’ve had a hard time with health issues! Mine is just my head, but you’ve had quite a bit more. And you’re right, you do get a different diagnosis depending on who you see. It’s maddening!! Which is why I just want to give up on the doctors altogether, and try out alternative medicine (like acupuncture, or some kind of more health care). It sucks that my insurance doesn’t cover things like that- but I just can’t deal with the pain anymore, so I’m going to have to bite the bullet and pay out of wallet for it.
      But if it stops the pain, it will be worth it.

  4. nicole December 28, 2009 at 5:06 pm #

    hey kristen, i hate doctors for the same reason. =( i’m surprised that they didn’t do any testing, but then again, all this shit with insurance companies trying to save money shouldn’t be surprising. anyway, i’d definitely recommend a second opinion, however, i know the waiting &more of the same verbal rehashing is fucking obnoxious as hell, so maybe just try the acupuncture thing.. i’ve heard wondrous things about it, &the idea of being able to live (mostly) drug-free annnnd without monster headaches would be a super paradise vacation for you, so why not give it a go? haha in all seriousness, i remember speaking to a teacher i had years ago who was in a car accident years prior that caused him to have horrible neck pain &headaches.. he finally went to see an accupuncturist &was basically relieved of his pain. he said it was amazing not having to self-medicate himself every day. =) always nice to hear stuff like that.

    the bit about sully cleaning his room made me laugh. keep on keepin’ on, lady!

    xoxo nicole

  5. daMamma December 28, 2009 at 7:45 pm #

    Kirsten, hon, your doctors suck dirty diapers. So you got some tats. Big freaking deal. (beautiful art work btw) That is no reason to haul off and assume you are some drug addled dirty girl.

    Like you, I want the pain gone or at least diminished enough to do my thing without being crushed. I would just like to do it without the use of drugs if at all possible. There is a lot to be said for clear thinking and full functionality. Can’t have that spaced out on pain killers.

    For me PT worked well. My pain is down to a 1-2 with the rare odd day where it zips up to a 10-12. No drugs though. I don’t do the PT any more, haven’t needed it for a few years. I have found that a once a month 1 hour therapeutic massage is just freaking awesome! A very financially reasonable treat at a cost of $50 plus tip.

    You are way over due for a sweet “all about me” time pampering. Try that acupuncture thing, and get your self to a good massage therapist.

  6. christine December 29, 2009 at 6:38 am #

    ugh doctors…half of them cannot read or write in a way that the rest of us lowly regular people can understand. PS. i get great satisfaction out of having to show doctors how to fill out certificates. They just have a medical degree…that means they cant read.

  7. mitzibel December 29, 2009 at 7:24 am #

    Ack. I get the same thing with my hair. Oh, you have an ovarian cyst the size of a baseball? Well, too bad about that, even though I can see it on the ultrasound I’m going to tell you to take Advil because . . . well, with hair like that, you’re *obviously* only going to take these meds to get high. I once told a doctor that if I was looking for a high, I could score heroin a hell of a lot cheaper and with less headache than going to him for a measely fifteen Vicodin.

  8. daMamma December 29, 2009 at 9:35 am #

    Many do seem to be judgmental and stereotype folks for the dumbest reasons. Don’t like the look of your hair, clothes, oh my gawd you got tattoos! Obviously because you don’t look “normal” (what ever that is) you must be scum. A druggie looking to score, a disease riddled ho looking to score or some other bit of garbage.

    With me they seem to be fixated on whether or not my hubby abused me. I always got that look and asked repeatedly if I was sure he didn’t beat on me and stuff. Good grief.

    Of course there are a few people out there that really are just looking to score some pain meds. Far more are simply looking to get better and hopefully without drugs whenever possible.

  9. amyjeen-dollypop December 29, 2009 at 11:29 am #

    i may have mentioned this before, but even though you aren’t big on taking meds as a daily precaution you may want to ask about topomax.
    thats what i was on for seizures due to my head injury and strangely enough, it stopped my headaches. i was on a super high dosage so i was a tad zombified, but maybe a low dosage would help you? i have been off it for over a year now and my headaches are still pretty infrequent as are my seizures.

  10. brokenbrilliant January 1, 2010 at 6:43 pm #

    Ah, yes… the headaches… I have them constantly. My doctor looked at me like I was crazy, when I told ’em I never DON’T have a headache. But I also told them I didn’t expect them to fix it — I had acclimated to them. It’s mostly true. I’m usually around a 6, but even when I get up to 8-9, I can usually function. It’s best not to bring my doctor into the equation – every “solution” they’ve offered me has just produced side-effects that added to (not solved) the original symptoms. Personally, I’d rather live my life clearheaded but in pain, not foggy and pain-free. I need what clarity I can get.

  11. Jen January 30, 2010 at 3:08 am #

    Hi Kristen, I’m so sorry to hear about your head injury and bad experiences with those Dr.’s. My husband suffered from a head injury nearly a year ago, and has been dealing with the same thing as you. He went to a neurologist who told him that maybe he was in pain because he was “depressed”, and asked if he wanted to go see a psychologist. Totally ridiculous. I hope that alternative methods work for you, its good to read the comments about acupuncture- I’ll have to tell my husband about it too. Good luck to you, and I hope you feel better very soon!

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