Emotional Boot Party 101…..

3 Feb

Things to keep in the front of your brain for the sake of self-preservation:

  1. We are not responsible for other people’s feelings, thoughts, and actions.  We can do what we can to be clear about our own feelings, thoughts, and actions; and be kind about relaying them- but how someone else perceives it is 100% up to them- for good or for bad.
  2. If someone decides to perceive our feelings, thoughts, or actions as being negative or spiteful (despite our efforts to explain the contrary), that is theirs to own and not our guilt to carry.
  3. We are not responsible for carrying other people.  You can give suggestions on how someone can go about standing on their own 2 feet, you can listen to them if they’re having a hard time standing on their own 2 feet- but if you carry them you’ll both eventually fall from the weight of it.  It’s best to let them fall on their own, and be there to lend a hand if they need help back up.
  4. A person’s misery is their own.  A person’s hate is their own. A person’s resentments- even if they are directed at you- are their own.  Every horrible thing that goes through a person’s mind and every bit of self-inflicted torture is their life partner until they decide to change it.  We have no place it in, we should not ever be dragged into it, and we have no right to it.  We all have to fight everyday to be happy- the people we love do not have the right to make this fight harder for us, or pull us into their world of pain.
  5. We all have control over our minds and our perception, and we can either see life as filled with opportunities, or see it as filled with disappointments.  If someone chooses ‘disappointment’, that is their cross to bear- no one elses. And they certainly don’t have the right to make you feel bad about choosing ‘opportunity’.
  6. If someone won’t fight for their own mental, emotional, and physical survival- emotionally detach from them until they decide to.  It’s the only way to preserve your mental, emotional, and physical survival.
  7. Buy yourself flowers- because no one else is going to buy them for you unless Hallmark tells them to.  And everyone deserves flowers.

Callous?  If everyone on the planet was sane, emotionally grounded, and happy- then yes, this would be callous.  But for those of us with the will to thrive who are surrounded by loved ones who don’t have that same instinct- these are survival techniques that keep us from drowning in other people’s pain.

These are my mantras right now.  And I’ve been buying myself lots of flowers.

(There is a #8 in this, but I will admit it’s not as psychologically sound:

8.  If there are people in your misery-ridden loved one’s life who are egging on their misery, validating their hate and resentments, helping them stay in their depression spiral by ‘bonding through pain’ in the bullshit guise of ‘friendship’,  making your life and your loved one’s life hell and forcing you to repeat these mantras every minute of every day in order to stay sane- then destroy them.  Completely and fully.  These people are not real friends of any kind, and need to get the fuck out of human existence.  Show them what REAL pain and misery is truly all about, and make them BEG for the petty and pathetic ‘life woes’ they had before they met you.

I believe in being emotionally grounded and secure- but I’m also a fan of the Satanic Rules of the Earth (though I don’t care enough about religion to subscribe to any 1 belief structure), and the 11th rule is “When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask them to stop. If they don’t stop, destroy them.”

#8 in my mantra allows me to ball up all that deflected misery and vomit it onto those who deserve it… which means justice.  Yeah… not really the Golden Rule- but it’s sooooo fucking cathartic, and I’m just waiting for that release)


23 Responses to “Emotional Boot Party 101…..”

  1. Jeanne February 4, 2010 at 12:12 am #

    Agreed, on all points.

    Did you see the kitten pic I posted on fb? It may help…

  2. Melanie February 4, 2010 at 5:44 am #

    Hell yes

  3. haley February 4, 2010 at 8:33 am #

    Thank you Miss Ferrell, I needed this. I’ve never been that much into carrying around sermons or verses on paper, but I’m compelled to print this out and put it in my wallet for on-the-go self preservation. This is my new religion. Ha!

    • Kristen Ferrell February 5, 2010 at 10:51 am #

      I have it running on endless loop in my brain… like one of those animated banners that gives stockmarket updates.

      I tend to absorb the moods that surround me, and want to take people’s bad feelings and make them better. I’m trying to correct that… because it’s not healthy. Being there for someone is good…. absorbing their depression and trying to fix someone else’s broken brain isn’t (and it’s an impossible mission). I thought I had learned this lesson- but apparently I haven’t. Time to relearn it again… and this time it has to stick.

  4. matt February 4, 2010 at 1:53 pm #

    I dunno, I have a $12 per week allowance in my budget for flowers, keeps everyone happy..

  5. Lemissa February 5, 2010 at 3:13 am #

    I like that your new mantras…even number 8

    • Kristen Ferrell February 5, 2010 at 2:50 pm #

      If you approve, I know I’m doing something right.

  6. Andrea Jay February 5, 2010 at 8:53 am #

    Callous? hardly. more like common sense. if more people paid attention to things like this, the world would be a way less drama filled place.

    • Kristen Ferrell February 5, 2010 at 2:53 pm #

      I was talking about this with my mom last night,and she said that my grandmother always used to say, “If it makes someone happy to be miserable, the just go ahead and let them be miserable” (I may have butchered that quote a bit… but you get the idea). But the old cliche’ that ‘misery loves company’ is so very very true- and we can’t allow our hearts to get sucked into or take on other people’s misery. It’s just too much. And I’ve found that I just can’t emotionally handle it anymore. So the miserable people need to either suck it up and fucking deal with life, or go away. Because the only person we can change or help is ourself.
      It’s a shitty lesson to learn the hard way.

  7. christine February 5, 2010 at 8:43 pm #

    I love this..and love buying myself flowers.

    • Kristen Ferrell February 5, 2010 at 9:18 pm #

      My kitchen/dining room is starting to look like a greenhouse because of all the little plants/flowers I’ve been buying myself. We should all be surrounded by pretty.

  8. Cassie February 9, 2010 at 5:13 pm #

    Love it! I really really needed to read this today. I wanted to read it sooner, but couldn’t. So so glad I did! Thanks!

  9. ike February 16, 2010 at 8:19 pm #

    Kristen Ferrell is broken.

  10. Jenna Mannino February 23, 2010 at 11:33 pm #

    #7 is the best thing i’ve ever read. i think i’m gonna go buy myself flowers tomorrow…

    • Kristen Ferrell February 24, 2010 at 9:19 pm #

      My parents are visiting right now, and my mom has been walking around my house and yard taking pictures of how my house has exploded into a greenhouse. Plants and flowers make me feel better.

  11. Trixie March 2, 2010 at 10:17 am #

    “I tend to absorb the moods that surround me, and want to take people’s bad feelings and make them better”, me too. So much so that one of my friends sent me a link to this blog and I have to say it is now printed out on my desk. Thank you for your insight.

    • Kristen Ferrell March 3, 2010 at 12:31 am #

      Oh Trixie…. I’m glad I could help- but I’m sorry that you share this little emotional dilemma with me. It’s such a tricky balance- being there for someone, but keeping enough of an emotional distance that they solve their own problems and don’t suck you down with them. Desperate and sad people gravitate towards ‘mother hens’- it’s like we give off some scent that only they can smell and they flock to us for support (and usually drown us if we’re not in a stable enough place to keep their baggage at bay). But they have no right to do that, and the only people who can keep them from doing that is us.
      Hang in there, lady. I feel your pain.

  12. undercoverqueer April 13, 2010 at 5:56 pm #

    Very well said. I’m finally getting to the point where I can free myself of other’s emotional burdens – burdens I wasn’t even aware I was carrying around! Being a friend and loved one does not necessitate being a perpetual shoulder to cry on.

    • Kristen Ferrell April 15, 2010 at 7:53 pm #

      No matter how close you are to someone, or even if you live with them (spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc)- you don’t have to take on their emotional burdens. Just because we love someone doesn’t mean that their misery is our misery, or their struggles are our struggles. Being there to listen and give helpful advice (or even just letting them know that they aren’t alone in the world) is one thing- but sharing their pain and being absorbed by their struggles just isn’t healthy.


  1. How to Get Over Emotional Misery - February 15, 2010

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