Make no mistake… the gods are toying with us

24 Mar

First off today, most wonderful Amy sent me this link that you should all click on and giggle:

PETA offers money to Octomom to put sterilization sign in front yard

Now, normally, I don’t like PETA.  Their shock tactics and misguided efforts in Alaska (among hundreds of other situations) make me really mad.  They are the evangelical Southern Baptists of the humanitarian movement, and have made all of us who support animal rights look a little nutty (and I REALLY resent the ads that Kathleen Hanna did for them saying “Ya know, I really really like bunnies- so we shouldn’t, like, kill them and stuff…  right?”.  Maybe it’s just me, but it annoys the fuck outta me that one of the strongest female role models of my youth now only gives a fuck about the bunnies- which are the one thing on this planet whose population isn’t threatened: ie- “Breeding Like Rabbits”.  I loooove bunnies… but give me a fucking break!!  Priorities?!?!… sorry… I’ll get back on point).  BUT PETA’s proposal to the vile and disgusting over-breeding Octomom is outright hilarious.  What’s even funnier is that she did it for a mere $5000.  I just love it to pieces.  And I appreciate their wit.

I’ve recently started to think that there is a ‘god’ or ‘higher power’ or ‘ethereal presence”… and if there is, whatever it is, is a TOTAL DICK.  Whatever ‘guiding force’ is ruling my life has a really mean sense of humor, and I’d like for it to piss off and go find someone else to screw with.  Why has my devout atheism started to crumble around the edges?  Because every time I open my mouth and spout something positive… “god” (or whatever this creepy divine entity is) giggles and then shoves my attempts at positive thought back down my through as hard as it can, and then follows it with fistfuls of shit and bile.  I used to think that it was all just coincidence that bad things happened the moment I spoke well of life- but now it’s just happening too often, and too specifically to not be seen as a personal attack.  When I mention that Sully has been doing really well- it will immediately be followed by a 3 day reign of Sully-Terror of epic proportions.  If I mention that Brad and I are doing good- well, again… immediately followed by a 3 day reign, only by my other pet male.  If I joke about how silly pet insurance is, and that all our cats are super healthy and don’t need it- BOOM… the next day our oldest cat, Leo, gets horribly ill and has to be taken to the vet multiple times.  After I’ve paid the bills and announce, jokingly, that nothing in the house is allowed to break or go wrong because I can’t afford a single thing until next payday… POOF!- the coffee pot breaks, the weed-wacker breaks, half the light bulbs in the house go out, and 2 laundry baskets fall apart.  All in the span of 48 hours.  Those are just a few examples.  I sincerely could go on and on.

I first thought that I was being paranoid… but now I’m convinced.  If there is a god, he is a mean hearted 10-year-old boy of the Eddie Haskell variety (ya know the type- he looks great on paper, and is awesome to your face or when under the spotlight… but as soon as you turn your back he’s shooting your dog with a Bee Bee gun and letting the air out of your tires).  Spiteful and sinister, and giggling at his own inside jokes even if they make everyone around him cry.  I actually have started watching what I say for fear of the cosmic anvil that is looming over my head waiting to drop.  The attacks are far too detailed and way too personal for it to all be random.  I know it isn’t karma because I paid my dues LONG ago, and am confident that I’m 100% in the clear.  And “Murphy’s Law” isn’t a DAILY occurrence.  So that leads me to believe there is in fact a god- and we’re nothing but a science experiment for him to mess with for his own amusement.  Like getting an ant farm just to burn the ants one by one with a magnifying glass.  He is a mean-spirited stalker, and needs to find someone else to mess with.

I’ve been told that what you put out into the universe is what you’ll receive…. and I sincerely tried this- but when I extend my hand in kindness, it’s met with a slap and spit in my face.  Maybe it’s all the religious shit-talking I’ve done in the past that has made the gods angry… but if they really want me to like them, this isn’t the way to win my love.  And they should know by now that they can’t break my will.  So I’m being forced back to my previous state of mind:  If you expect for life to beat you down and then shit on your face, you’ll never be disappointed.  This mindset might not be the healthiest- but it’s far safer than what I have been experiencing.

Thanks for being total douchebags, ‘higher powers”.  You suck.


34 Responses to “Make no mistake… the gods are toying with us”

  1. Lemissa March 24, 2010 at 10:45 pm #

    “Whatever ‘guiding force’ is ruling my life has a really mean sense of humor.”

    I had to stop right there, because by the Melissa definition of the Universe, YOU are the guiding force in your own life, consciously or unconsciously or even sub-consciously…and I think that statement might prove me right…sooo even though it doesn’t seem to be working yet, keep trying to reprogram that deviant deity in your sub or unconscious mind with love and light and rainbows and bunnies. I love you.

    • Kristen Ferrell March 24, 2010 at 11:13 pm #

      Hahahaha…. that might be true- because I have a really mean sense of humor. I’ve always like the idea that we are our own gods. I am my own Alpha & Omega- and everything else be damned. I’ll just stick with that, and keep trying to be more smiley.

      (one question… how did my subconscious break my coffee maker? All my consciousness’s rely heavily on that coffee maker- so why would it do that?)
      I love you too, lady lemissa.
      And I miss daily doses of your wisdom.

      • Lemissa March 25, 2010 at 9:05 pm #

        weeelll…there is still a lot of room for chance in the universe…and that’s all I know about your coffeemaker…heehee. Perhaps it was your body’s way of crying out against the caffeine? (feel free to throw things at me for blasphemy!) ohoh and the you being the Alpha and the Omega and everything else be damned is kind of self fulfilling too, because AS the Alpha and the Omega you ARE everything else and therefore damned by your own command…take that! heehee! MORE LOVE!

        • Kristen Ferrell March 25, 2010 at 9:18 pm #

          AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! How do I break me of myself?!?!?!?
          (and I’m just going to ignore your coffee comment. My body has coffee instead of blood)

  2. Lemissa March 24, 2010 at 10:47 pm #

    your sub ego is afraid to let go of the truth you built for it…it doesn’t understand that being updated to a new truth isn’t the same as being discarded or abandoned, just metamorphosed into a more free truth.

    • Kristen Ferrell March 24, 2010 at 11:14 pm #

      Is that part of being a spoiled brat Aries? Cuz the spoiled brat Aries in me stomps it feet at alot of things.

      • Lemissa March 25, 2010 at 9:06 pm #

        yes, yes it is.

  3. J March 25, 2010 at 1:16 am #

    hi Kristen!!! it’s actually one of my favourite topics. like you, i’m an atheist but I’m also a Russian, and we Russians (even those who are atheists!) are for the most part superstitious. so to a Russian the whole concept of “thinking positive” is kind of alien… Russians are a bit suspicious of life (there has been all that totally insane and unbelievable evil happening to our country) so they (we) are always prepared for the worst. i remember, when i was a kid, my dad was chopping a cucumber or something, and he said “look, how well i chop the cucumber!” and he cut his finger accidentally the next second… that’s when he explained to me: if you’re too positive, you put a jinx on yourself. when you ignore “the other side”, the dark side, it sends a signal to the universe and it decides to give you a small misfortune (maybe for balance or something… i don’t know). and this has been true all my life. for example: tests or exams at the uni. when i was like “oh, this exam is so easy, i’ll pass it without any difficulty” i always (!) screwed up. but when i thought that i was gonna fail, i always ended up with an “A” ))) my american husband didn’t understand it at first, he said “why are you being so negative about the future?” when i said things like “oh, i won’t get a visa to this or that country…” or “oh, i’m nervous about this event, maybe there will be people who won’t be friendly to me”. in fact, it’s not “negative thinking”, it’s just an awareness that anything can happen. in russia we have a saying “expect the worst, but hope for the best”. so, i guess, the purpose of this saying is to make people think realistically, not be too pessimistic or too optimistic. that doesn’t mean that people shouldn’t be happy or enjoy life…
    and concerning god – even tho i’m an atheist, i still think we have some kind of connection to the universe, to everything around us. so when we think or feel something we are likely to get a response cos our thoughts and feelings create a flow of energy that stimulates something else.

    • Kristen Ferrell March 25, 2010 at 11:33 am #

      I love everything you said. I read it over and over, and it makes perfect sense. This Russian mindset is so refreshing compared to the American mindset of “I’m entitled for everything to go my way, no matter what”. I’m not looking for everything to go my way… I’d just prefer for things to not get tripped up at every turn. 😀

      • J March 25, 2010 at 2:29 pm #

        yeah… although many Russians are very gloomy actually, it’s kind of hard for some to “try to be not too optimistic” and not descend into pessimism and negativity. so i guess balance is the most important thing. maybe when something very good happens just knock on wood? i guess the purpose of this superstition is that when you knock on wood, you kind of acknowledge the existence of the other side, so it brings more balance. those rituals have been practiced for so many years that they actually have accumulated some power. maybe those superstitions are not so stupid after all, and i think that they have nothing to do with god.

        • Kristen Ferrell March 25, 2010 at 4:27 pm #

          I like your brain. It makes super good thoughts.

          • J March 26, 2010 at 12:21 pm #

            oh thanks!! i like your brain too. that’s why i read your blog, it really helped me to organize my thoughts in more than one occasion 🙂

      • Lemissa March 25, 2010 at 9:08 pm #

        I want to amend my statement that you are the creator of your universe to take into account the other six billion other creators out there that we acknowledge…it all affects everything else…to make it clear as mud.

  4. Kat March 25, 2010 at 2:49 am #

    Haha… I’m not an atheist. I sincerely believe in gods. I also sincerely believe they are very similar to children, and if they like you and you aren’t paying them enough attention, they will act out to get it. Sadly, all they can really affect is probability, and it’s way easier to let things go wrong than to make them go right. Fun, huh? It’s not karma, or anything else. Just deities.

    • Kristen Ferrell March 25, 2010 at 11:34 am #

      Could you tell them to introduce themselves to me so that I know how many there are and what I’m dealing with? It makes for a more even and hospitable playing field.

      • Kat March 25, 2010 at 6:13 pm #

        Ha! Heck, no. They might decide they like me, too.

  5. bob March 25, 2010 at 5:13 am #

    murphys law technically COULD happen every day, since it means EVERYTHING that CAN go wong WILL go wrong, but more than likely you just need to start knocking on wood after you say shit like that so as to not jinx yourself! definately not “god” though.

    • Kristen Ferrell March 25, 2010 at 11:37 am #

      Murphy’s Law is a total jerk.
      I should carry a roof shingle or some other kind of wood around with me all the time. You’re supposed to knock on wood while your saying your positive or hopeful statements because of a super old superstition that spiteful spirits live in the trees, and if you knock on wood while you’re talking they can’t hear what you’re saying- therefore they can foil your happiness.
      I love old superstitions.

      • butcherbaby March 26, 2010 at 4:59 pm #

        i knock on paper if i can’t find any wood…i mean it *was* wood once.

  6. KT March 25, 2010 at 12:12 pm #

    Here ya go…

    • Kristen Ferrell March 25, 2010 at 4:25 pm #

      I have had such a horrible, terrible, drama ridden day… and that video just made it all better.
      Today I am thankful for Bee the Lamb, and you.

  7. VJESCI March 25, 2010 at 12:27 pm #


  8. Katie March 25, 2010 at 5:26 pm #

    Sadly, I’ve also realized that the easiest way to live is “Expect the worst and you won’t be dissappointed.”

    • Kristen Ferrell March 25, 2010 at 5:32 pm #

      My heart can’t handle disappointment anymore. It’s too stressful. I’ve lowered my expectations on everything and everyone in life so that no matter what, I’m happy and excited.
      Sully didn’t shit on the floor today and kill all the neighbors with a chainsaw? Yay!!
      Brad didn’t pour acid on my face while I was sleeping? Yay!!
      My boss didn’t shoot me and leave my body in the middle of the highway when I went into work this morning? Yay!!
      All my skin didn’t fall off? Yay!!

      Lowering the bar makes all the difference.

      • Katie March 25, 2010 at 5:55 pm #

        Exactly!!! I made it to NYC, but I don’t have job and have been searching for almost two months. I’m going to keep looking, but instead of thinking I’ll get one, all I can think is at least I have enough money saved for two more months here.

        It’s like if you hope for it, for sure it won’t happen.

        If there is a god, he is definitely a man.

        • Kristen Ferrell March 25, 2010 at 6:14 pm #

          He’s either a man, or a 3 year old.
          (but is there really a difference?)

      • butcherbaby March 26, 2010 at 5:27 pm #

        All my skin didn’t fall off? Yay!!

        lady, you crack me up

  9. juju galaxie March 26, 2010 at 4:40 am #

    mmm….first..thank you for showing the lamb video as it is the cutest happiest thing i have seen in quite a while!!! As for things breaking all at once I believe it is sort of electrical…meaning you are a conductor of energy and electricity and when things go wrong you shoot out your extra anger energy and those things become affected by breaking or whatever. This sort of thing happens to me a lot(has since i was very little) and I have many friends it happens too…all female..if that means anything I do not know.

    When my parents used to fight things broke all the time. During one fight..iIn a matter of maybe 2 days after the biggest fight… our dryer, dish washer, and microwave died. No warning just pow! gone. When i am feeling really angry and I usually go out for walks then the lights blow out as I walk..not everyone but at least one will go out but usually more. If i hangout with one particular girlfriend lights go out even more. IT seems pretty scientific even if i dont know the science behind it im sure it is something about me being a conductor of energy and it shoots out and spazs out the nearest electrical appliance or light. I wonder if i coudl do that to car alarms??? That would be really horrible!!! how anoying that would be.

    When the gods seem to be taking me for a ride…like they have been since 2001…I try to step back and watch it all and see if there is any pattern or something i am missing that will help break the cycle i am in. Right now I am having a really hard time so I am looking for the answers and the omens..cause i have notice thhat even if you dont believe in god there are omens or signs to guide you if you know how to listen and see them. And when i do follow them things always get lot easier.
    (somehow I feel I kind of asked for the situation but this isnt what i meant…be carefull for what you ask for i think is really true!!!DETAILS DETAILS!!! ALWAYS GET THOSE DETAILS EXACTLY HOW YOU WANT THEM..HEHE)
    Good luck with your gods..may they show you a huge omen of how to change things..but not a painful one!!! a beautiful, happy AAAAHHHHH kind of omen!!! : )

    • Kristen Ferrell March 26, 2010 at 3:23 pm #

      You’re like ‘firestarter”… but with appliances!! I do believe that we’re all conductors of energy, and I think it’s what makes us have a 6th sense. The way you can tell you’re being stared at, or if someone doesn’t like you even if they’re smiling at you, or how some people just make you feel positive and happy. People emit different types of energy, and we take it in and process it. I don’t think I’ve ever destroyed anything with mine… or maybe I did with the coffee pot and the weed wacker and the laundry baskets!!
      Apparently my omens that things are going to bad are that things start going well… which I think is extremely rude. 😉
      I hope you have good, happy, wonderfully lovely omens too!!!

  10. amyjeen-dollypop March 26, 2010 at 6:31 am #

    i’m telling, we need to start p.e.t.u.

    this is for you, the childrens sleep time prayer reworked

    here i am in life, the beav
    from haskell lord, theres no reprieve
    in my life he creates much folly
    my prayers are now to, hey waaaalllyyy!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: