A window into what goes on in our house every night….

19 Apr

Welcome to the world of Sluggo.

I’m sitting in my office.  Brad is in the bedroom laying on the bed.  He yells for me, and I roll my chair back and look through the door to see what he wants (my office and our bedroom are connected, so there was really no reason for him to yell- since even though a wall is separating us, I’m only 9 feet away).  Our gigantic Maine Coon cat, Sluggo, has Brad in a headlock, claws digging slightly into Brad’s face, and he’s grooming Brad’s eyes.  This is the conversation that follows:

Brad: “I need help.”

Me: “No, you don’t.  Just move his paws and sit up.  Don’t be a fucking baby.”

Brad: “Kristen, really- come help me.  I don’t want to move him.  He’s so happy.”

Me: “Then quit bitching.  I’m not going to get up and remove the cat from your head because you won’t do it because you don’t want to ‘hurt the cat’s feelings’.  It’s ridiculous.  You’re 10 times bigger than him and a human.  Just say ‘No’ to him.”

Brad: “I can’t tell him ‘No’.  He’s too happy.  You have to do it.”

(keep in mind, this whole time Sluggo still has Brad in a headlock, digging his claws into Brad’s face, and is licking his face so furiously that Brad’s skin is getting raw)

Me: (getting annoyed) “God-fucking-damnit Bradly- just tell the damn cat “NO”!  He doesn’t do that shit to me because I told him “NO”- now fucking do it!”

Brad: (in the littlest voice possible) “sluggo no”

Me: “Fuck, Brad.  Really?  And you wonder why he rapes you like this all day? He thinks you’re into it.”

Brad: “I just can’t do it.  You have to make him stop.  I can’t hurt his feelings like this.”

Me: “SLUGGO- NO!!!!

Sluggo stops the affection assault on Brad,  gets up, and walks out of the room.  Brad then jumps up, and chases Sluggo out of the room saying “Oh no!  I hurt his feelings!!  Come back, Sluggo!!”.

When Brad walks in the front door, Sluggo jumps from the floor onto Brad’s shoulder like a massive poofy parrot, grabs Brad’s chin with his paw and starts grooming his face.  He does the same thing when Brad is sitting at his desk, at the kitchen table, or really doing anything at all.  I get the same pleas for help from Brad, and then when I do assist in stopping the rape, Brad chases the cat down and begs for more.  All day.  Every day.  No matter what.

FYI- “No” means “No”…. except for Brad and his cat.  When Brad says ‘No’- he really does want it.  Fucking tease.

Aside from that, this is my new obsession.  Seriously.  I love this little musical group more and more every second I listen to them.  Brad and I have fallen head first into total obsession, and will call each other and scream “Go NINJA… GO!!” at each other all day.  Arty and inbred and weird and uncomfortable and catchy.  Everything I love.

Brilliance.  Enjoy.

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22 Responses to “A window into what goes on in our house every night….”

  1. christine April 19, 2010 at 8:55 pm #

    I Just love the amputee in the video!!

  2. hayley April 20, 2010 at 12:07 am #

    Sluggo is pretty much exactly like Cupcake (my kitty) She insists on sitting on my shoulders, digging her claws in my neck and licking all over my face. And she’s less than half his size. Does Sluggo by any chance follow you guys from room to room, or try and sit at the dinner table with you?

    Conclusion: Cats are neat

    • Kristen Ferrell April 20, 2010 at 7:29 pm #

      Cats are the best.
      Sluggo follows Brad everywhere so he can groom him (apparently he thinks Brad doesn’t properly groom himself and Sluggo is trying to rectify the situation). But Sluggo and I just hang out. He knows my boundaries, and respects them.

  3. hayley April 20, 2010 at 12:09 am #

    Oh wait, I just saw where it said Sluggo sits at the table with Brad

  4. Tawni April 20, 2010 at 4:44 am #

    A boyfriend and I had a big orange Maine Coon named Festus who would do the same grooming thing. He especially liked to sit on my boyfriend’s chest and lick/gnaw on his chin and on his face where there was stubble. I thought it hurt and didn’t enjoy walking around with a red, grody face, so I wouldn’t let Festus do this to me, but my boyfriend always let him. Hearing about Sluggo and Brad totally reminded me of my own Maine Coon. They are big, sweet, amazingly friendly dog-cats. I love them. If they could breed a short-haired version that sheds less, they’d be perfect.

    Speaking of love… Die Antwoord. Oh my god. They somehow seem hillbilly and European and weird and good and awful all at the same time. A train wreck with diamonds mixed into the rubble. I spent all day yesterday with the girl’s creepy-baby-cartoon-voice in my head, singing the “Ai-ee-ai-ee-ai… I am a butterfly…” part of Enter the Ninja, and kept trying to shake it. I can’t. I was lying in bed last night, still trying to get it out. Helllllp! (:

    • Kristen Ferrell April 20, 2010 at 7:35 pm #

      Maine Coons are seriously the most unreal cats ever. They have all the good qualities of dogs, but in cute cat form. Sluggo even walks on a leash.

      If you want to take in more bizarre Die Antwoord, go to this link and read the lyrics to their songs:
      http://lyrics.wikia.com/Die_Antwoord
      The lyrics for “Beat Boy” are like reading the written free association of an institutionalized lunatic. It makes it all that much more amazing.
      And I had “Enter the Ninja” stuck in my head all day too!! Haha!!

  5. Addy April 20, 2010 at 9:24 am #

    Holy crap. Have you watched the interviews on Die Andwoord’s interwebsite? They are amazing.
    THANK YOU!!!

    • Kristen Ferrell April 20, 2010 at 7:35 pm #

      The interviews are HILARIOUS!! SOOOOO backwoods!! I don’t get how such amazingness came to be!!

  6. whitney April 20, 2010 at 7:22 pm #

    that’s why some peoples animals fucking suck! they have no manners, because they are never disciplined. it’s almost like children. i know some people with shitty animals because they can get away with murder (and it’s usually dogs…) eesh. all yr animals rule!

    AND OH MY GOD! where did you discover this Die Antwoord? it’s amazing. i want her fucking hair. right now. gimme!

    • Kristen Ferrell April 20, 2010 at 7:41 pm #

      When your friends have crappy pets, discourage them from ever having kids. Because if someone can’t properly train their cat or dog to not totally suck- there’s no way they can properly train a kid to not be an asshole.

      Brad stumbled onto Die Antwoord through a friends FB page. I was painting and heard this crazy music coming from our bedroom, and when I walked in to see what it was, Brad was doubled over laughing. We sat and listened to song after song, with our jaws dropped open. And yes, Yolindi’s hair is sooooo magical!!!

  7. Metro Catpiss April 20, 2010 at 11:15 pm #

    a Chicago buddy a’mine turned me on to Die Antwoord some time back, and i was horrified and enthralled all at once.

    • Kristen Ferrell April 24, 2010 at 8:49 am #

      I’m not sure how they want you to respond to them- but I think that your response is the most common one. 😀

  8. Brandi April 21, 2010 at 5:38 am #

    “but look at me now! All up on the inter web” …word. 😀

  9. khat April 21, 2010 at 9:09 am #

    Sitting in the dentists waiting room, and that just made my day

    • Kristen Ferrell April 24, 2010 at 8:42 am #

      The fact that I was able to make a “Dentist Day” more happy just made me smile really big!!!

  10. chelsea April 21, 2010 at 12:20 pm #

    my guy has a maine coon and it is the most well-trained, interesting and fun cat ever!

    i wish my hair was straight enough to cut my hair like that girl in this group. fucking love it.

    • Kristen Ferrell April 24, 2010 at 8:44 am #

      My hair is straight enough to cut like Yo-Landi’s- but I just don’t have the face for it.
      Yo-Landi Vi$$er!!! I love you!!!

  11. Andrea Jay April 22, 2010 at 12:14 pm #

    My cat franz is about the same size as sluggo, although he is not a maine coon, i dont really understand how he came to be so gigantic. he is actually 3 foot 4 inches stretched out from toe to toe. but he is the softest, nicest sweetest little man ever! and you have also gotten me totally obsessed with die antwoord as well. so thanks you for that! hope you have a super day!

    • Kristen Ferrell April 24, 2010 at 8:46 am #

      I love big gigantic cats. My parents have a HUGE grumpy orange persian cat, and he hates me because every time I see him I have to pick him up and squeeze and cuddle him. He actually runs away every time he sees me now. But he’s a gigantic poofball, and I just can’t help myself!!

      Brad and I are totally obsessed with Die Antwoord too. We can’t stop playing them over and over and over and over!!!

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