Christian Rock may be what finally does me in…

26 Sep

My husband’s favorite pass time is inflicting things onto me that he knows I hate just to see me go through my stages of intolerance.

  • Stage 1: passive dislike and disdain.  I quietly hate something, but only bitch about it when asked.
  • Stage 2: Openly annoyed.  I’ll complain and mock- but not be hostile.
  • Stage 3: Openly angry.  The constant assault of  this thing that he KNOWS irritates me, and by the fact that I’m being assaulted by it BECAUSE it irritates me for his amusement brings open hostility.
  • Stage 4:  Hate.  Screaming, throwing objects and insults, and acting like a lunatic.  It takes a lot to get me to this point- and this stage tends to makes my husband laugh the hardest.

Brad has done this with countless things.  Playing Limp Bizkit first thing in the morning while shooting me with an air gun.  Tickling me after I’ve told him literally thousands of times that being tickled makes me want to stab people.  Uncrossing my toes (long time readers know I have to keep my toes crossed at all times).  Standing over me while I’m trying to concentrate on work, and playing Skynard on his guitar.  It’s his own version of Chinese Water Torture- but customized just for me.  He does this because he thinks it cute to annoy me- but then is shocked when after weeks of this, I finally snap and start screaming and acting like I’ve completely lost my mind.

Last night, he discovered Modern Christian Rock music.  And I am now fucked.  Deeply, truly, and sincerely fucked.

Long time readers of my babble on here will know that I had WAY too much Jesus growing up, and it has made me run screaming from him and his fan club.  But it’s not just the scripture that makes me run- but the antics that the J.C. Fan Club creates to “modernize” J.C. and make him more hip to the “sinful youth” of today.  When I was forced to go to “Young Life” meetings in junior high and high school, there were the creepy skits about the sinfulness of premarital sex and drug use, and how both would ALWAYS lead you to either get AIDS or become a dying crack whore.  They would take classic rock songs out of context to make them Jesus-Friendly and the whole room would sing along.  I experienced these marketing tactics on a grand scale when I was sent to the Southern Baptist group home in Branson, Missouri in high school.  They would take us to “revivals” at Silver Dollar City in the hopes of saving our angsty juvenile delinquent souls- and there would be hundreds of teenagers with their arms in the air singing at the tops of their lungs gospel songs that were put to “Pearl Jam” sounding music, and wearing t-shirts that say “Jesus Rocks”.  It was monumentally disturbing.

So last night I’m sitting in bed watching a movie, and I hear “Rape Metal” coming from his office (Rape Metal= Limp Bizkit, Puddle of Mud, Slipknot, etc). ..and Brad is laughing hysterically.  He calls me in, and I comply.  And it just sounds like bullshit rape metal to me… until I listen to the lyrics.  They’re singing about the love of the lord.  And my stomach turns to ice.  And the massive shit-eating grin that Brad had on his face while watching my reaction to this music solidified the fact that I wasn’t going to be able to shake this.  This new little gem that Brad found was going to be living in our house for a very long time.

The difference between the creep-show of Christian Modern Rock that I grew up with and what Brad discovered is this:  what I grew up with were bands that were desperately trying to sound like popular music but they wrote original songs; the new Christian Modern Rock bands now take already famous songs but change the lyrics.  Same song exactly, singer is a low-rent version of the original song’s singer- but with anti-abortion, anti-sex, anti-drug, and “I love Jesus” lyrics.  They took the Pearl Jam song “Alive” and changed the title to “A Lie” and it’s all about how evolution is a gigantic scam.  Do you get it?

Brad downloaded ALL of it.  Hundreds of songs.  He blasted them all last night and all morning long- laughing and laughing and laughing.  And yes… this music is so horribly, painfully, bone-chillingly pathetic that it sincerely is hilarious.  Christian Rock realized that they just can’t make good music- so they have to steal from Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Limp Bizkit, and every other chart buster out there.  It really is amazing.  But the moment I realized what I was listening to last night; the moment it dawned on me what Brad had discovered, and what was now going to be my new roommate- I regressed 20 years.  My brain spiraled back to being a 15 year old, sitting in an outdoors Inbred-Land auditorium settled in the middle of some bullshit hick amusement park with my arms crossed and a scowl on my face, surrounded by 2000 born-again Christian youths, waving their arms over their heads in sync to the music, crying with joy, and singing “Rocketown” by Michael W. Smith in unison (while I’m getting screamed at the whole time by my counselor for being disrespectful to Jesus for not standing and weeping and being filled with the love of the lord… and then having to go back to the group home and dig up tree stumps for hours because of my disrespect).  Brad’s in tears laughing, and all I can think is “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!  IT’S FOLLOWED ME HOME!!!  IT’S IN MY HOUSE!!!  IT’S GOT MY HUSBAND!!!  FFFUUUCCCKKK YYYOOOUU JESUS FAN CLUB!!!!”.  20 years of vigorously scrubbing off The Blood of the Lord and thinking I was finally clean- and an online list of MP3’s brought all the icky bad God-feelings right back, making me dirty all over again.  After 20 years in the witness protection program, God not only found me, but has set up camp happily in Brad’s ipod to be with us at home and wherever we may travel.  Brad is SO amused with this that I know it’s not going away for a very very very long time.

A few weeks from now if you see images of me on the news covered in blood and being hauled away in handcuffs by the police- you’ll know I finally cracked and had to kill Brad because of this music.  And it’s all Jesus’s fault.


20 Responses to “Christian Rock may be what finally does me in…”

  1. LRA September 26, 2010 at 3:16 pm #

    All I can say is…


  2. Christine September 26, 2010 at 4:40 pm #

    UGH…I can’t even think of another way to react to this.

    • Kristen Ferrell September 29, 2010 at 4:56 pm #

      My only other reaction besides “UGH” is puking in my mouth.

  3. Nicole Matheny September 26, 2010 at 4:54 pm #

    I’m gonna be a Captain Obvious and say that Brad has a knack for torture. I’m sorry for you Kristen, this is aweful! I’d stab myself in the ear if my boyfriend did this.

    • Kristen Ferrell September 29, 2010 at 4:56 pm #

      I’m thinking about saving my ears and stabbing him in the ear instead.

  4. whitney September 26, 2010 at 5:44 pm #

    awe shit… what’s with boys and having to do shit that irritates us for their amusement! i want to murder when james does shit like that to me… and it really takes a lot. just break brad’s ipod and then maybe him.
    ah, btw, ever seen the movie Saved?? at some point in the movie, the pastor likes to make jesus/church seem hip and says shit like “yo yo yo! JC is in da hizzle!” and throws up a peace sign. it’s a great flick and i suggest ya watch it if you haven’t already. netflix da sheeeiitt! 😉
    in the meantime, hang in there lady! <33

    • Kristen Ferrell September 29, 2010 at 4:55 pm #

      I’m going to have to see that movie. It sounds amazing!!! But I have to be in the right mood- because I tend to go on 3 day long screaming benders after watching movies about crazy god-people. 🙂

  5. Joey September 26, 2010 at 10:53 pm #

    new Christian Modern Rock bands now take already famous songs but change the lyrics.

    ^^ There was an episode of South Park like that! Cartman wanted to cash in on the built-in audience Christian rock bands have so he took a bunch of pop songs and replaced words like “baby” or “darling” with Jesus.

    • Kristen Ferrell September 29, 2010 at 4:54 pm #

      Hahahahaha!!! I’m going to have to check that out!!!

  6. Lissa September 27, 2010 at 4:57 pm #


    If you have an iPod you could always take to wearing that around the house to block out the Jesus :-p or become suddenly the world’s biggest fan of his least favourite genre of music, tit for tat style.

    • Kristen Ferrell September 29, 2010 at 4:53 pm #

      Brad will listen to anything- so I can’t counter-attack. I think I will just start wearing headphones around the house at all times. Good idea!!

  7. Brandi September 28, 2010 at 1:52 pm #

    that’s funny… until it’s not. ;-P

  8. steph4christ September 29, 2010 at 6:26 am #

    I totally understand the “Jesus fan club.” I also grew up with it. I remember being worried that everything I did was a sin. My parents made sure everything was “christianized.” I reached a point where I didn’t care and I thought God didn’t care and I walked away from Him. He drew me back though (I’m sure this is where you’re thinking great, Christian nut) before you stop reading though let me tell you I’m not. I write about music that is the opposite of what you just described ( which I know is painful to the ears) For the record Christian bands aren’t doing that and I have no idea where your guy found those songs (I would probably beat him in with a frying pan). There are plenty of bands out there that are Christian but not corny or campy, Showbread, Demon Hunter, Children 18:3, House of Heroes, The Almost are just a few. I have no idea what your response to this comment will be, I just wanted to let you know that’s not all that is out there and I’m terribly sorry you’ve only seen the horror side of Christianity.

    • Kristen Ferrell September 29, 2010 at 4:50 pm #

      I dunno….
      I love that you’ve found music that appeals to you both spiritually and stylistically. But when I see Christianity coupled with counter-culture groups, it seems like a marketing tactic. These counter-culture groups (such as punk, metal and goth) were created with a primary focus being to rebel against the Anglo-Christian judgment, suburban middle class standards, and rich white government control tactics (to which our rich white government and Christian ethics go hand in hand)… so the 2 ideals can’t really work together. My husband has alot of Christian punk friends- and I never understood it. It’s like a vegetarian owning a meat packing plant, or a gay conservative republican. It’s a small group joining forces with a large group who’s primary purpose is to destroy the smaller group. It seems like cultural suicide for the smaller group.

      Which is why I say that Christian Metal or Punk bands seem like marketing tactics. I don’t think that is the intent of these bands at all… I think that they’re a bunch of people who like that style of music. But with the music comes the subcultural ethics… and modern Christianity and punk/metal are arch enemies. For example, I adore Public Enemy and 2pac. But being a white girl raised in the middle class suburbs of Kansas, it would be a slap in the face to the culture of this music if I made a gansta rap album. The culture doesn’t want me there (no matter how much I love the music), and I have no business trying to be a part of it because my white cultural heritage is partly what oppresses them. It’s pretty much the same thing with Christianity and punk/metal/goth. These cultures were birthed partly by rebellion against everything that is Christian- so for Christianity (and a Christian/Catholic ruled society)to try to step in and be a part of it doesn’t work out too well. Does that make sense?

      I know I’ve primarily grown up around the “bad Christians”, so I have a pretty sturdy wall put up against them trying to keep them out of my corner. I could totally be wrong about everything I said, but it’s just how it comes across to me.

      • steph4christ September 30, 2010 at 9:23 pm #

        That totally makes sense, but I see that the Christians/Catholic society seem to be split. Modern church is extremely judgmental but like this church i know, Living Water, they call themselves Christ Followers which separates them from that negative Christian stereotype. If you check out my blog, you’ll see where I’m coming from. I believe Christian punks came from people who were tired of all the things punks are tired of including anglo-christian judgment and just wanted to be themselves while following their Creator, I know that’s at least my reason.

        • Mariemeier_art November 2, 2010 at 2:52 am #

          Hope i will never use delta airlines… that will make me crazy. I think i could use violence …

      • Paige (is puking) November 2, 2010 at 9:02 am #

        Very well put:
        ” It’s a small group joining forces with a large group who’s primary purpose is to destroy the smaller group. It seems like cultural suicide for the smaller group.”

        It is a marketing scam. I still shudder when I remember discovering what they call “Christian Black Metal” , or white metal or something else ridiculous. Black Metal as a genre is to put it simply anti-christian. All one has to do is look at any cd cover and figure that out. But, they are trying to take it, suck it dry and pump it full of christ and it is creepy and disturbing.
        Another thing you may find equally disturbing if you haven’t already, here in South Dakota I have found that there is a Christian motorcycle gang and they dress all “bad-ass”, in black studs and leather. . . but with a Jesus twist. It’s truly odd and concerning. It is worse than a white girl from Kansas suburbs making rap video.
        It is an assault on counter culture movements all types (there is Christian rap too)
        and a smart one at that. It must be stopped.


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    […] Christian Rock might be what eventually does me in… « That's a thing…… […]

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