Santa vs The Warrior…. and Santa is winning

19 Dec

Every year around the holidays I write venting blogs about how much I hate X-mas and everything that comes along with it.  Because I really do hate the holiday season with such a hungry passion that there are barely words to contain it.  But this year I was trying something different.  This year, for the sake of my boys, I attempted to keep my mouth shut and put a fake smile on my face.  Putting up the tree and baking cookies and going shopping and wrapping presents… all accessorized with a blank “Stepford Wife” expression on my face, and a robot voice chiming like a parrot “Isn’t this great?  Don’t we love this?  Happy Holidays!  Happy Holidays!”.  It’s difficult to keep a realistic smile going while I’m vomiting in my mouth- but I’ve pretty much mastered it.

Because of the massive amounts of repression of true emotion that has been building up in me for the past weeks, I’m now starting to lose my mind.  I don’t repress well.  My social filter that keeps every inappropriate and hostile thing that goes through my head from coming out of my mouth is fragile and flawed on my best days- but these past few weeks have put a terrible strain on it and I don’t think it’s going to hold up much longer.  All of my anger towards the bullshit of this stupid season is now flying off in every other direction so I can keep the “Holiday Cheer” intact- and it’s sincerely driving me crazy.  But yesterday was the last straw… and I think my black fury has finally been unleashed.

Yesterday, Sully and I had x-mas shopping to do.  I knew it would be crazy- the Saturday afternoon before x-mas in Huntington Beach.  But I wasn’t prepared for what we entered into.  It was like stepping onto a battlefield with only a butter knife as a weapon.  It took 4 hours to buy 2 gift cards and a blanket.  4 mother fucking hours!!! I almost got in 2 wrecks, and the expansive parking lot of the last mall we went to was so completely full that we could barely get near it (we couldn’t even get into the actual parking lot).  Towards the end of our shopping fiasco, Sully saw the change in my eyes.  So he put 2Pac on the car stereo, cranked it up loud, and said “Get us out of here, Mom”. Our “Happy Holidays” shopping adventure ended with me screaming every obscenity I knew (and regular words used in the most obscene ways) at my automotive adversaries, and as my Swan Song I chucked my almost full cup of coffee out of my moving car at an opposing moving car that nearly sideswiped me- exploding onto their back side window.  The whole last 45 minutes was filled with me chanting to Sully “Do as I say, not as I do”.  THIS is what Christmas does to me.

But it’s not just the Christmas Season that’s making me nuts… it’s the Christmas season living here.  Southern California makes me tired.  It makes me sleepwalk more than ever and isolate.  It wears out every fiber of my being, and it’s making me react to situations in bizarre and outlandish ways.  I’ve been here for over 3 years, and I just can’t adjust.  Last week, some Ed Hardy Douchebag with bad tattoos and a monster SUV almost ran into me while I was coming out of a parking lot, then cut me off twice in traffic, and THEN started following me home and tailgating me.  This went on for almost 10 minutes.  I had Sully in the car with me, and this rancid pile of SoCal garbage was endangering my child’s life with his ‘driving games’.   So I pulled a sharp left into a residential neighborhood, threw the car into ‘park’ and jumped out just as that asshole was turning to follow me into the neighborhood.  And I charged his moving car.  On foot.  Screaming “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU”.  I ran at full speed towards his headlights, fully prepared to pull off one of my cowboy boots and smash his head in with it.  He hit the brakes fast, threw his car into reverse, backed out of the residential neighborhood into oncoming traffic and sped away fast.  Once I got back into the car, I explained to Sully that the other driver was repeatedly putting us in danger with his games and was trying to follow us home (which is scary)- so I had to show him that he wasn’t allowed to threaten us like that.  And sometimes, if threatened, if you act like you’re insane- the aggressor will back off.  But at that moment- I don’t think I was acting.  I think I sincerely lost it.  THIS is what California does to me.

I know we’re not moving anywhere anytime soon.  Sully is doing amazing in school.  I have a wonderful job with the best boss.  We have a great house in a safe neighborhood.  And the high cost of living keeps us from being able save any money at all to put towards moving.  So we’re here.  For a long time.  But I still look at real estate sites almost every night.  I look at the prices of farms outside Kansas City.  I look at the beautiful old gingerbread homes that cost the same as what my neighbors paid for their car.  I torture myself with images of quiet isolation in the Great Plains where my mortgage would only be $400 a month for 15 acres of flat glorious land where I could have a pet cow, a few fainting goats, and a herd of cats.   A magical place where no one has ever heard of “Affliction” or “Ed Hardy”, I will never have someone say to me with pride “Back when I was a junkie”, the largest vehicle for miles is a tractor instead of a Hummer, and the nearest Starbucks is 40 minutes away.   Modern society and all it’s backwards bullshit wouldn’t find me out there.  It wouldn’t bother to look.

But for now… there’s only a week left until x-mas hits, and then it’s all over until next year.  Everyone cross a finger or 2 that I can keep it together for that long.  Because a straight-jacket is not on my x-mas list.


13 Responses to “Santa vs The Warrior…. and Santa is winning”

  1. K Ferrrell December 19, 2010 at 3:42 pm #

    We’ll wait up. Love, Mom
    PS (Kansas doesn’t have straight-jackets.) 🙂

    • Kristen Ferrell December 20, 2010 at 5:23 pm #

      Thanks Mom!!
      I’m counting the minutes until I’m back home in the sanity of Kansas.
      Tell Maverick to brace himself for a big squeezy hug!!

  2. Tawni December 19, 2010 at 4:37 pm #

    “And I charged his moving car. On foot. Screaming ‘I’M GOING TO KILL YOU.'”


    There are not enough words in the English language for me to describe how much I truly adore you. You are entirely made up of awesome. And fluffy bunnies. Lots of fluffy, fluffy bunnies. 🙂


    • Kristen Ferrell December 20, 2010 at 5:29 pm #

      There is only so much that one person can stand. I’ve reached my limit. I’ve been pushed to playing Chicken on foot with cars and throwing hot coffee at old lady’s cars (trying to get that coffee to fly in their window and not just hit their car).
      Thanks a lot, Baby Jesus. Every holiday season is one more strike against you.

      I heart you to pieces, Miss Tawni!!!

  3. Lemissa December 19, 2010 at 8:21 pm #

    opt out of Christmas next year. Seriously, Sully is old enough for you to have an anti-christmas complete with any of the old traditions you may enjoy (and I know for a fact you LOVE cookies) and ditch the shopping and the happy face. There is no need to pick any portion of the year to declare things are going wonderfully merely because of some artificial holiday season. Give thanks for what you have, aspire to live out your highest self and move right along.


    • Kristen Ferrell December 20, 2010 at 5:32 pm #

      You’re so grounded, my love. But non-participation is not an option in my family. And I caught too much shit from many directions last year when we didn’t go back to Kansas for me to go through that again.

      When I get my big farm out in the middle of nowhere, everyone will have to come to me. Period.

      lovelovelove right back!!!!

  4. Hayley December 20, 2010 at 12:07 am #

    “A magical place where no one has ever heard of “Affliction” or “Ed Hardy”

    Oh how I would love to find a place like that Well I’m also stuck in SoCal for a while, at least until my lease is finished. So I feel your pain.

    But christmas shopping. How I loathe it. I work in South Coast Plaza, and I swear, my 4 hour shift on Saturday may have been worse than my Black Friday shift. People knocking items off our shelves, some lady calling me stupid and lazy because we didn’t carry an item we discontinued two years ago. You know, all that fun stuff.

    Dang, now all I can think of is where I can go live where soccer moms, rich people with compensation issues and Ed Hardy douchebags are unheard of. Oh how I dream

    • Kristen Ferrell December 20, 2010 at 5:40 pm #

      Ya know, “Affliction” and “Ed Hardy” is really only super huge out here and with people who are too into “Jersey Shore”. I’ve been all over the globe, and there is nowhere more douchey than SoCal. Hands down. The people here are completely different than anywhere I’ve ever been in my life. I make friends easily- but I’ve only found a tiny handful of people that I can have conversations with because I usually don’t know what the fuck they are talking about, or I don’t give a shit about what they are talking about. But those tiny handfuls of people are true gems.

      Where do you work in South Coast Plaza? I was just there last week! But Sully and I got overstimulated by the hoards of shoppers and ran away.

  5. Dawna December 23, 2010 at 1:19 pm #

    A dear friend of mine suggested I read this particular post from you, so I took the bait and am so glad I did. I lived in CA my whole life, but have now been in PA for 2.5 years. There are moments when I miss CA oh so much, but when I think about things – that you just spoke about, my heart fills back up with happiness.
    I feel like you belong there – with your brave-ass self. Throwing coffee, or ANYTHING at some idiot is something I always day-dreamed of doing…

    • Kristen Ferrell December 23, 2010 at 4:33 pm #

      Oooooo, PA is so so pretty!!! You are a lucky ducky!
      I know I can handle it here- I just feel like I’m not in my appropriate skin. Like I’m losing my link to humanity, and I don’t see people as people any more- just slowly moving adversaries gumming up traffic. I’m just dreading the day when I get pushed too far and actually do attack someone with more than a cup of coffee.

  6. carla January 8, 2011 at 8:50 am #

    oh i so feel your pain – just on the opposite coast. the same vomit inducing elements are ever-present here in the northern-new jersey area (especially at the holidays!) (your precious baby jesus was probably born in april anyway people-hate to burst your xmas bubble). so i try to hide with my little family by the sea in south jersey. alas, they have invaded our little world with their vile “jersey shore” tv show. (if you don’t know what that is-don’t even go there)i am riddled with terrible anxiety during this time of year – torn between my own feelings and trying to please my family. the attempt to find a balance between my misgivings and providing some sort traditions and fun times that i remember as a kid for my girls hurts. my. brain.
    p.s. i LOVE that your mama was the first to respond to your post, because reading it made me want my mommy for you 🙂

  7. LRA January 9, 2011 at 9:30 pm #

    Aw! Sorry I missed this post when you wrote it but here…

    *big fat hug!*

    I know just what you mean. I lived in NYC for four years and by the end of my stint there I just wanted to pull all of the hair out of my head and throw it at people.

    btw, I’m applying to the HPS (history and philosophy of science) program at UCSD next fall… I’m a little worried about the possibility of living in SoCal now…

    If I do end up there, we’ll just have to be homesick Southern girl buddies who bitch about how superior our home states are.


  8. Sam February 10, 2011 at 11:31 am #

    Kristen Ferrell,

    I too am a Kansasan who moved out to southern california (for different reasons I’m sure). My sister and I are huge fans of your art work and she has been following your blog for a while now, so I decided I’d give it a look. I’m SO disappointed.. you always seemed like such a SWEET, open-minded woman when we’d run into you at First Friday’s or in Lawrence. But now you just seem like another grumpy bitch. It’s really sad, I had so much respect and admiration for your artwork (I probably will continue to, dispite what I read). I was a little bent out of shape too when I moved here, it’s definitely not Kansas and NOT that vibe. But honestly I love this place and it’s sad that someone with such beauty and depth in their work can only see and talk about the things that makes them mad. I don’t really know why I had to tell you that so bad. I was just so bummed out..

    I hope things out here in So.Cal turn around for you, or maybe you can just move back to Kansas.

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