Infertility Darth-Vader’ed me to the Dark Side of being a Dog Lover

29 Jul

I always knew I only wanted 1 child.  I never once had visions of family vacations with my “children”, or huge holiday events with a big family I spawned… nor have I ever once felt bad about Sullivan not having any siblings.  I have replaced myself in the natural order of human population, and my job is done.  I am also well aware of my limitations, and I only have room enough in my psychological and emotional stability for 1 child.   I had my one child early in my adulthood, and I have my herd of cats, and it’s all good… right?  Apparently my hormones did not think so… and I had never realized just how powerful hormones are.  They are so powerful that they can turn a Crazy Cat Lady into an even crazier Pocket Dog Owner (dog purse and matching decorative leash to boot).

In the beginning of January, a slew of tumors discovered on my cervix were stamped with the “Cancer” diagnosis.  I don’t want this information to evoke any emotion from anyone, because I feel melodramatic even mentioning it (but it’s the entire reason why I am now I creepy Pocket Dog owner, so I am going to mention it).  I am in no way a “Cancer survivor” or even a person “Living with Cancer”… I am at best a “Cancer Tourist”.  I have had many friends who have lived with cancer, died from cancer, or have very much earned the title of  “survivor”.  I did not earn a thing.  I got tagged by cancer and got kicked around a tiny bit by the emotional turmoil it brings with it- but all it took for me to escape it’s clutches was having half my cervix removed, and from now on I need to have biopsies every 6-8 weeks to keep an eagle-eye out for new growths to promptly chop off until there is nothing left of my ill-behaved cervix.  I caught it early and am lucky (ladies… you had all better be getting your pap smears religiously, because the ONLY reason I’m lucky is because I’m religious about my lady-checkups).  But I officially can never have any more kids…. and I’m so very much totally ok with that because the last thing I need is more babies.

What I’ve always found funny about people is that once we’re told we can’t have something, that’s the one thing we want.   After the chop-chop of my cervix, I found myself getting increasingly clingy with the little things in my home.  I kept trying to cuddle and baby the cats far more than they are comfortable with.  I began hovering and smothering Sullivan with maternal coddling FAR more than a 13 year old boy could EVER be comfortable with.  I wasn’t coherently thinking “baby baby baby baby I need a baby baby baby” because knew I didn’t want a baby… but I was trying to make all the self-sufficient creatures around me to be more infantile and dependent on me.   This desperate need to nurture SOMETHING exploded in me.  I was creeping myself out, but I couldn’t really stop it.

About 6 weeks ago my BFF that I work with came running into my office and asked me if I wanted a puppy.  She saved a puppy from a kill shelter, but her dog and the puppy didn’t get along and she wanted to find a new happy home for it STAT.   All afternoon I fought it, but my ovaries were screaming “SAVE THE BABY!!”.  I texted Brad about 50 times debating all the reasons why we couldn’t have a dog in an attempt to talk my crazed maternal drive out of caring for another baby, but he finally said “You know you want the damn thing. Just bring it home”.  And that was that.

I am now thoroughly convinced that someone should have given Octomom a litter of unwanted puppies before she had her litter of babies, much trauma could have been avoided.  From the moment I got the puppy, all maternal screamings were quieted, and she was my new baby.  I have gone from being the adamant cat-lady disgusted with dogs to being that creepy dog owner that carries my dog around in my purse, taking her with me on all errand-running outings, and she has attached to me the way a toddler clings to it’s mother’s leg.  She’s part Chihuahua, and they usually only really bond with 1 person in a family- and despite how much Sully wanted her to be ‘his dog’ – she’s 100% mine.

So I introduce you to my little Chihuahua/Weiner dog (technically called a Chiuweenie) – Monkey.  She’s pretty much the best.  And our cats HATE her.

They day we got her, only 4 pounds.

My little sleeper!!


My neighbor and I and our matching Chihuahuas


The only time I've seen her NOT torturing poor old Oscar

So that’s my story.  From this point on when I obsessively talk about my dog, it is because she is literally my new baby.  And for all you out there who think you might want babies- get a puppy first.  It might just take care of that maternal drive and save you shit tons of money (and your dog will never steal your car when it’s a teenager).

The end.




12 Responses to “Infertility Darth-Vader’ed me to the Dark Side of being a Dog Lover”

  1. Angi July 29, 2011 at 9:56 pm #

    Welcome to the dog side!
    I never thought I was a dog person either…then Beans (a little lump of a Boston Terrier) came into my life. After reading this, I realized that he popped up around the time I was accepting that I would likely never have a baby. Hmmmm. He very much has become my little squirmy replacement for a child. He even comes to work with me!
    So, while some people might roll their eyes at us pet obsessed coo coo brains, please know that there are others out there that completely relate. It ain’t a bad thing.

    Also, I am glad you’re run in with the big C was brief. Way to go at it & kick some ass.

    • Kristen Ferrell July 29, 2011 at 11:57 pm #

      I have so many friends who are obsessed with their dogs… and I never really understood it until now. I always preferred cats because they were so independent and didn’t really NEED me. But me and my Monkey fill each others little voids- so yes…. bring on the matching mommy/puppy outfits. I am now fully engulfed in the sickness of “creepy dog owner”.

      And I was VERY lucky with the big C. I’m pushing hard to get my uterus and cervix yanked completely so that I don’t have to keep going in over and over and over to get sliced and diced. I’m hoping that all the ladies out there learn a little from my cervix- because I had way too many dangerous tumors grow in a REALLY short amount of time- and it can happen to any of us. So all you ladies go get yourself checked out and stay safe!!

  2. Amyjeen July 30, 2011 at 8:49 pm #

    Holy Moly ! O.k. I’ll try and add a cervix to your uterus pinata !
    Should be done in about week and a half. And that dig is damn cute

    • Kristen Ferrell August 1, 2011 at 9:24 pm #

      Hahahahah!!! YES!!! I couldn’t be more excited!!! xooxoxxooxxoxo

  3. Tawni July 31, 2011 at 6:42 am #

    You are too fucking adorable. Look at you with your pocket dog, the sweetest little Monkey ever. I have never been a dog person, and like yourself, have been all about the kitties my whole life. If I wanted a dog, I always said it would have to be a really calm big dog that would bite the face off anyone trying to harm my family. But your revelations here have me thinking about little doggies in a new way, because we’ve been experiencing similar feelings/health issues.

    We were both dealing with girl health issues at the same time this winter, and the fertility-loss thing. So weird. In January, after horrible shooting ovarian pains woke me from sleep many nights, constant nausea, and having an extremely heavy period for 60+ days straight (I lost count after that), a sonogram discovered a golf ball-sized tumor/cyst on my left ovary. Long story short: my uterus, left ovary and cervix were removed in early March. And I haven’t felt so good physically in years. It’s like a miracle. Seriously. BUT… I had the same “What? I can’t have a baby? But now because you told me I can’t, I WANT ONE,” reaction you had to sudden infertility. Even though the husband had a vasectomy a few years ago because we are sure we can’t physically, emotionally, or financially handle more than our one child, the idea that the option was taken away from me did my head in a bit. I didn’t realize it until I read this piece you’ve written today, but I have been cuddling the crap out of my son like you describe (except he’s 5, and probably more receptive than a 13 y/o… haha) and absolutely cooing over every animal I meet. There were two kitties being given away in front of the grocery store the other day, and my husband physically jumped between me and the kitties to block them from my vision because we just can’t afford them right now. But he knew that if I got my hands on them it would be all over. If somebody brought me a small dog (BABY!) to save right now, I’d be asking you for tips on where to find an affordable dog purse. 🙂

    So huge congratulations on your new addition to the family. I’m happy you got a new cutie to cuddle, and especially happy your cervix is behaving again. If you ever decide to remove the cervix completely and just be done with the stress of bi-monthly exams, I highly recommend you make them grab the uterus too (I had my junk removed via abdominal incision, but in many cases they can remove the uterus via less-invasive laparoscopic surgery). No more risk of cervical or uterine/endometrial cancer ever again, and this “no more periods” thing is the coolest shit ever, my beautiful friend. Many happy bunnies to you. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox.

    • Kristen Ferrell August 1, 2011 at 9:32 pm #

      I saw that you had your baby machinery removed when I was going through all this- and even though I knew how much stress your poor body was going through, I coveted your wombless womb. I’ve been pushing SO hard to at least get my cervix and uterus yanked… but my docs are pushing back and just want to keep checking and chopping and checking and chopping. I don’t get it. But eventually there will be nothing left of my cervix, and they’re going to have to yank the whole system- so why not do it now, right? But I’m not a doctor… so what do I know?
      But yes… a high maintenance little puppy has filled the high maintenance baby void quite nicely- and at a bargain price! And when Brad and I want to go out, we can just put her in her sleepy-kennel! Try doing that with a new baby! Ha!!!
      I’m so so so glad that you’re feeling great and that all turned out fantastic!! Biggest hugs to you, wonderful Tawni!!!

  4. LRA August 1, 2011 at 6:32 pm #

    omg. I love your chuiweenie!

    Wow! That is not something I ever thought I’d *ever* say to another girl!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!!!


    “You know you want the damn thing. Just bring it home”. And that was that.

    You got another keeper there! 😀



    • Kristen Ferrell August 1, 2011 at 9:37 pm #

      Hahahahahaha!!! I never thought I’d ever have any type of weenie of mine complimented, either!!

      Brad knows me well enough to know that there really wasn’t anything that he could have said except the above quote. I was in Mama mode… and when I get in any kind of Mama mode, everyone just needs to step back. Ha!!
      HUGZ right back at ya!!!

  5. Katzenseite August 5, 2011 at 2:12 am #

    Hi, you have a nice blog about cats and dogs, i have also a website in germany about cats und dogs. On the top you can choose your language (english) to read it.

  6. LRA March 12, 2012 at 9:18 pm #

    Hey! Just checked in expecting all kinds of catchup on past blog posts… whoa! You haven’t blogged in a while! S’ok. I got you on FB.


  7. Sharon Simons March 15, 2012 at 4:09 pm #

    I also suffered from infertility and traveled down the road towards IVF. It was a struggle but there are many options for children, including International Adoption. I lost my children dur to miscarriage and found my sons through Russian Adoption. Every Mom has a Journey towards becoming a Mom at Last. If that journey took you through Surrogacy, Adoption, or In-Vitro Fertilization, Mom at Last is the place to find information, success stories, & inspirational quotes. Visit our Mom Community today at Every Mom has a Journey…so let’s connect & celebrate it!

  8. Daniel Ford from December 3, 2012 at 8:28 am #

    All the newborns were born in middle or eastern Finland between Sept 2002 and May 200 Babies who reside with your dog in the home tend to have fewer infections They found that despite respiratory infections and infectious symptoms being common during a person’s first yr of life, children who had contacts with dogs early in life had fewer symptoms of respiratory infections, suffered less regularly from respiratory illnesses, and required shorter programs of when sick, compared to other children of the same age with no coverage to dogs.

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