The perfect ending to my relationship with door-to-door Jesus salespeople….

30 Jul

We get a lot of door-to-door salespeople for the lord in our neighborhood. By a lot, I mean at least 3 times a week (that I’m aware of).  Politely telling them I’m not interested doesn’t make them go away.  Lying and saying that I looooove Jesus so so so so much doesn’t make them go away.  Being rude doesn’t make them go away.  Our “No Soliciting” sign doesn’t make them go away.  Nothing makes them grasp the concept that other people don’t need imaginary friends guiding their life just because they do.  I am fed up with these people.

I also feel it is HORRIBLY rude to show up to someone’s house before calling first.  I don’t care who you are.  It’s just proper manners.  If you didn’t call first, you are trespassing.  End of story.

So it’s around 7:30 at night.  I just got out of the shower and am soaking wet- and the doorbell rings.  I look out the front window and see 2 ladies on my doorstep- bibles and pamphlets in hand… and I see red.  You do NOT show up to a strangers house past dinnertime unannounced to try to push your personal agenda onto their life.  You just don’t.

So I grab the machete I keep under the bed in one hand, and my crazy barking little Chihuweenie dog in the other (she goes bonkers at the doorbell).  I throw open the front door, soaking wet wearing nothing but a tanktop and my underpants and say in the loudest, happiest and most crazed voice “HI!!!!  Is there something I can help you with?” while smiling like I’m having the most amazing acid trip ever known to man.

They both look satisfyingly stunned, and start backing away.  My dog, Monkey, is barking like she has rabies at this point, and the ladies don’t know whether to keep their eyes on the psycho dog or on the almost naked lady with the machete.  They pick up speed with their exit, mumble something about being sorry to have bothered me, and get to a near run by the time they reach the end of my patio walkway… as I’m screaming after them, “What’s wrong?  Don’t you want to talk?  I’d LOVE to talk to you!!!”.

I hope that this finally gets my address on their “Do Not Disturb” list.

True story.

(next time, I will sick my little monster Monkey dog on them.  She can be pretty fierce…..

Monkey the Crazy Monster Puppy

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18 Responses to “The perfect ending to my relationship with door-to-door Jesus salespeople….”

  1. Crystal July 30, 2012 at 8:54 pm #

    I love you!

    • Kristen Ferrell July 31, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

      YAY!!! Big hugs and kisses right back at ya!!! 😀 xooxox

    • dona August 2, 2012 at 3:46 pm #

      Great story. I usually just ask them to wait till I go grab some of my Wiccan or Voodoo brochures to exchange for what they want to give me.

  2. arafel July 30, 2012 at 9:48 pm #

    Holy fuck, that was funny!

    • Kristen Ferrell July 31, 2012 at 5:35 pm #

      After I got over my heightened state of irritation, I had a pretty good giggle over what I had done. I’m allowed to be anti-social since I entertain myself so well. Ha!!

  3. damamma July 30, 2012 at 9:54 pm #

    Brilliant! Sure wish I could have been a fly on the wall to see the looks on their faces. I do hope they got the message loud and clear their presence is not welcome.

    Love your little Monkey and that beautiful display of teeth. Must be mighty fierce and quick as lightning too.

    • Kristen Ferrell July 31, 2012 at 5:36 pm #

      Oh, my little Monkey would go at them faster than lightning…. but, unfortunately, she would just attack them with kisses. She really isn’t the best guard dog. 😉

  4. Savannah July 31, 2012 at 5:41 am #

    You’re a true inspiration, Kristen!

    • Kristen Ferrell July 31, 2012 at 5:37 pm #

      Haha! Thank you! I should start sending out machetes with all purchases on my webstore of $50 or more. 😀

  5. Sunny July 31, 2012 at 6:48 am #

    Wowz, three a week, despite the no soliciting sign? I have big dogs, and they go NUTS; they’ve broken the windows in the front of the house so for me a stanger knocking on the door is not just inconvenient and rude, it’s potentially dangerous to my puppy dogs. Luckily most of the Jesus pushers respect the sign, and now we only get about one a month.
    I only wish someone had recorded your little run-in.

    • Kristen Ferrell July 31, 2012 at 5:48 pm #

      NO ONE respects the “No Soliciting” sign out here. That alone puts me in a bad mood when I answer the door. But yes, my neighborhood seems to be infested with Jesus. I only hope my antics repelled a few. 😀

      • damamma July 31, 2012 at 6:07 pm #

        My grandmother used to have a sign on her door:
        “Every 3rd salesman shot, the 2nd one just left”

        One day she happened to be cleaning the guns when one of the showed up at the door. They looked at the sign, they looked at her gun, they ran like hell. They never showed up at her door again.

        My sis took a different tact. She answered the door wearing a cloak, pentacle and holding a dagger. She cheerfully announced how glad she was to see them, they were just about to sacrifice a goat in the basement and the coven was 2 short. They ran screaming like their pants were on fire. That was 15 years ago, and to this day they cross the street when passing in front of her house.
        LOL

        I hope the ferocious dog and machete work just as well. : )

  6. Hayley J Grzybowski July 31, 2012 at 8:06 am #

    I fucking love you.

  7. wunnspeed August 1, 2012 at 12:32 am #

    My former brother-in-law used to have similar problems until he walked to the door completely naked one day. They never came back!

  8. Andrea Jay August 1, 2012 at 8:46 am #

    You are the best!!! Great story!! 🙂

  9. Rochelle New August 1, 2012 at 1:44 pm #

    Hahahahah!!! Machete/ferociouslittledog/halfnakedness/anti-jesus FOR THE WIN!

  10. Karalyn (@woodchopgirl) August 2, 2012 at 9:49 am #

    i do this when people try to show my apartment when i’m stil living there, works like a charm.

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