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The new “feminism” is looking pretty male….

20 Sep

Brad and I like to watch stupid things before we go to bed to unwind.  So when Roseanne Barr’s Comedy Central roast popped up on our netflix, we decided that it couldn’t get much stupider than that, so we dove in.  I knew it would be dumb- but I didn’t think it would be so disheartening.  After an intro of Bikini Kill’s song “Rebel Girl”, and after the female comedians proclaimed their feminism, here is what the jokes consisted of (and keep in mind, all the jokes I’m going to reference were told by women directed at the other women):

Fat joke

Fat joke

Lesbian-just-need- some-dick joke

Fat joke

Rich-chick-slept-her-way-to-the-top joke

You’re-now-ugly-because-you’re-old joke

Fat joke

Slut joke

Fat joke

Lesbian is a bull dyke/trying to be a man because she has short hair joke

Fat joke directed at the young thin girl

Young thin girl making obscene jokes and then doing the dumb doe-eyed girl routine

Fat joke

Many you-were-pretty-and-slept-your-way-to-success-but-now-you’re-old-and-ugly jokes

Fat joke

Many slut jokes

Fat joke

The only woman who didn’t participate in the Ladies-telling-dude-jokes was Carrie Fisher… who actually called out the ridiculousness of the rampant “I can only be a funny lady by acting like a stupid dude”, and basically just made fun of how much of a addict she is (which was pretty funny).

I know this was a roast, and I know that the point is to rip each other up.  But ladies- is that all you’ve got?  And with Roseanne Barr as your target- that was the best you can come up with?  Low-brow frat boy humor?  And then you claim “We’re feminists!” while relying on the worst of Misogyny Comedy 101?  Fat, slut, and dyke jokes?  The guys that were roasting Roseanne didn’t even rely on such bottom-feeding tactics… and that’s saying something.

So a big depressed *sigh* for Roseanne and the ladies at her roast…. EXCEPT for the always wonderful Carrie Fisher, who knows that women should be above grunty testosterony humor.


In remembrance of David Rakoff (1964 – 2012)

14 Aug

In a culture where “Twilight” is considered literature, we need good writers.  Let me emphasize that properly:

We NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED good writers in the most aching and desperate way.  With this, we also need to cherish the good writers that are currently creating our stories for the future.  One of my favorite writers, David Rakoff, died this week at the upsettingly young age of 47.  This man’s words have made me belly laugh, and spontaneously burst into that gross kind of crying where your face is distorted and you produce shameful amounts of snot (and I am that asshole who cracked jokes when Julia Roberts died in Steel Magnolias and was happy to see Leo die in Titanic…so to get me to cry is a pretty monumental event.  Getting me to belly-laugh is just as difficult).   He was one of the great ones- and the world is a much darker place for missing out on all the things that he had yet to say.

I’m ashamed that it took this beautiful wordsmith dying for me to publicly sing his praises… so let’s not make that mistake again.  Please feel free to share in my comments the authors that are currently moving your mind-mountains with their words so that we can all give them the respect they are due.  Because if the only stories we have to leave to the world are filled with sparkling virgin vampires- we are in big trouble.

If you haven’t heard of David Rakoff, please begin your google searching now.  While you’re searching, here is one of my favorite little writings by Mr. Rakoff.  I am usually not a fan of contemporary poetry (as I stated before, I’m a pretty jaded asshole and poetry just makes me uncomfortable)- but this poem is so good that it has made it’s way to my Top 10 favorite writings.  Please take 10 minutes out of your life to honor the life of this great writer.  Hopefully his wit, humor and insight will make your heart swoon the way he has always made mine.

A funny thing happened on Main Street today….

29 May

My son and I took a little break and went down to Main Street today.  Main Street in Huntington Beach is just like Main Street in Anywhere, USA… boutiques and restaurants that are where the masses congregate on sunny weekends.  The only difference between the H.B. Main Street and Anywhere USA Main Street is that ours is a big surfer tourist area because it leads onto a pier, and on weekends it’s not just crowded- it’s packed.  So we’re wandering around people-watching (one of our favorite things to do), and I’m cluing into some interesting behavior.

The groups of “punk girls” with their tattoos and piercings and perfectly manicured “I don’t care about your fashion” look were glaring and mocking the “indie rock art chick” girls for being snobs and the “prissy girls” for being superficial.  The “indie rock art chick” girls with their tattoos and piercings and carefully manicured  “I’m discarding mainstream fashion for retro fashion and craft fair jewelry that makes me oh-so-unique” were rolling their eyes at the “punk girls” for not being cool enough and the “prissy girls” for being superficial.  The “prissy girls” with their perfectly manicured hair, nails and spray tan and designer clothing are looking in disgust at the “punk girls” for being intimidating and the “indie rock art chick” girls for being weird.  I was watching group after group of cultural stereotypes pass each other on the street, giving each other the “evil eye” stare down quickly followed by snarky whispers to friends and noses immediately turning up into the air.  The lady vs lady disdain was uncomfortable- but what really got to me was the fact that there isn’t ANYTHING  different about any of these groups except the end result of how they choose to portray themselves to the world… which makes their disdain fully ridiculous an unnecessary.

When I make sweeping generalizations about the 3 mentioned groups, in NO WAY am I meaning to insult anyone.  Because when I was younger I could have been quickly tucked into the “punk girl” category, over the past few years I probably could have been more easily tucked into the “indie” category, and as I’m getting older I’m getting prissier every day… so I’m a pretty solid combination of all 3 groups.  But the uniforms are usually so extremely defined and well planned, that they can quickly be picked out of large crowds.  But not only that, these groups rely on being defined by their exterior- but loathe each other because of the exteriors so much that it’s almost comical.  Almost.

The “almost” is because there’s no reason under the sun for any of these girls to be treating each other like shit, because they are all exactly the same.  There is no difference between a girl getting covered with tattoos and a girl getting a boob job and botox.  There is no difference between a girl spending hundreds on a punk uniform and a girl spending hundreds on designer clothing.  There is no difference between a girl spending hundreds on piercings and body jewelery and a girl spending hundreds on spray tans and hair extensions.  Do you see where I’m going with this?  Every one of these situations is a girl making attempts to fit into their social peer group that they’ve chosen, and spending the time, money and effort to properly adjust their appearance to be accepted in these peer groups.

Take the body modification:  Is there really any difference between unloading huge amounts of money to sit for hours and hours in pain having chemical inks permanently injected into your skin,  and spending huge amounts of money to have a procedure done that puts artificial implants into your boobs?  I know the immediate argument is “But tattoos are an artistic expression and boob jobs are to fit into a shallow social stereotype”.  But really… look deeper.  Both procedures are done so that the girls are more comfortable with their exterior.  Both procedures are done so that the girls feel more proud of their bodies.  Both procedures are done because it is what is socially acceptable in the social groups they have chosen to be accepted by.  On first glance- they seem to be so different… but when you dig down to the root, they come from the exact same place.  And this can be said for every aspect of how these ladies all choose to present themselves to the world.

I guarantee you the average “indie rock art chick” spends just as much money at Urban Outfitters or H&M than the “punk chick” spends on boots and studded belts as the “prissy chick” spends on… well… whatever expensive designer clothing “prissy chicks” buy (I’m getting prissier as I get older, but I’m still broke so  have no clue where those ladies shop).  I’m close friends with ladies from all these groups- and there is no difference between any of them.  The politics might be a little different, the life priorities might be a little different… but that’s it.  So I left Main Street today extremely sad at the fact that so many girls have so much hate for so many other girls just because of how they look- when their attention to detail in how they look is the unifying factor between them all.

So with those observations in mind- ladies, please feel free to ponder this.  And if you find yourself snubbing another lady because of something petty like what social club they belong to (and don’t feel bad if you have because it takes a conscious and continued effort to not do this)… please try to stop yourself.   We ladies have to stop treating each other like shit- especially over things as stupid as what uniform we put on in the morning.  Ladies hating ladies for any reason makes me really sad… so can we please all make a group effort to treat each other a little better?  Thank you and good night.

(ps:  The one group that didn’t get shitty about anyone were the hippy girls.  So thank you, hippy girls, for being smiley and loving like good hippy’s should… or for being too baked to care.  Either way is totally ok by me!  xoxo)

(pps: I almost forgot!  I finally got my jewelry line up and running!  So in addition to the new sunglasses line, I now have necklaces available!  If you wanna see them, click the image below to get swooped away to my webstore.  Yay!!)

Cats with Moustaches, Mirrored ghosts, and wooden whispering bunny necklaces!

My thoughts on Easter…

23 Apr

Easter has always been one of those holidays that never really emotionally swayed me one way or the other.  I hate Christmas with a blind passion… but Easter never really imposed that much on my time, and then there’s tons of chocolate on bargain discount for a week after it’s over- so I shrug, let it be, and make some obligatory Jesus-Zombie jokes.

But recently, I’ve been re-reading the bible.  I plan on doing a series of little mini illustrated bible stories… the real stories.  About what really happened at Gomorrah, and the petty reasons for the plagues and such.  And I was reading about the last days of Jesus, and I’ve decided that I’m really  not that impressed.

He suffered.  Sure.  For a couple days, things were pretty shitty.  But have you ever watched anyone die of cancer, or AIDS?  I have.  And I’ve watched them suffer… for months and months… unspeakable humiliating suffering.  Have you checked out what’s going on in South Africa- the raping of babies, and the mothers forced to carry the severed heads of their children?  Those people suffer.  Every day there are people all over the world enduring more than that one guy did- but they don’t get a religion based on them.  So his day or so on the cross?… Yeah, I bet that sucked.   But we’ve seen worse.

And Jesus got to come back!  Doesn’t that nullify the severity of the death?  He had a sucky few days (that he knew were coming anyways so he had time to emotionally prepare for it), then said “Wait!  Nevermind!  I’m not dead!”, hung around for a while to show off his not-deadness, and then got to float away into heaven.  But all of my friends who suffered excruciating pain for months and then died miserable deaths don’t get to come back.  They are gone for keeps.  So JC totally won by dying… but he did it to wash away all the sins of man… unless you don’t believe in him…. because it’s blasphemy to not think his parlor trick death was the most awesome… then that sin-scrub-down doesn’t apply to you and you’re going to hell… so there.

It’s not just bullshit… but it’s rude.  I don’t tolerate rude.

To sum it up, JC is an overly dramatic jerk who basically had a pretty crappy weekend for your sins.  And if you don’t think he’s most  awesome for having that crappy weekend,  then he’s gonna throw a tantrum and make you burn forever.  The more I re-read the word of God, the more I like that I’m not on his team.  But I’ll eat those chocolate bunnies all day long.

Happy Easter.

Kick-starting the new year 3 months late and with a bang….

16 Mar

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!  Wait… it’s March already?  And halfway through March even?  Oops!

I don’t know about you, but 2011 has been a rude and relentless nightmare- so much so that I put myself in hiding for a while (hence the lack of writing on here).   But I got too comfortable in my hiding- so here I am.  Apologies for the disappearing act.  I’ll try not to do it again (but I’m not making any promises).

And with that, if I’m back online- I’m gonna do it right and jump in with big kid gloves.  Let’s talk about the death penalty.

I’ve always been for the death penalty.  Even in my “Idealistic Twenties”, I never had a problem with murders, rapists, and pedophiles being a murder victim of the state.  I’ve always had a justice-oriented mindset, and if I had a religion it would be what Brad and I jokingly refer to as “Kristen’s Manic Rules of Society”.  These are the written and unwritten rules that people are supposed to follow to make life as a whole run more smoothly and allow all to co-exist in peace.  These rules stem from little infractions such as not taking up 2 parking spaces or walking really slowly in the center of the aisle with your shopping cart in a grocery store, to major offences such as murder, rape, etc.  The breaking of rules should have a penalty that is as severe as the inconvenience or harm it causes others.  For example, if you drive really slowly and horribly, wasting people’s time and endangering the lives of others- you will be slowed up and put in danger when I throw my full cup of coffee at your windshield, forcing you to have to pull off the road and waste your time wiping off your car.  See- the justice fit the crime.  And when you heartlessly murder someone, and have been found guilty of this beyond any possible doubt at all- then you have lost the right to exist anymore.  I throw rape and molestation in the same category as murder because even though the victim is still alive, so much has been destroyed emotionally and psychologically that I feel it carries just as much weight.  Now, every situation has extenuating circumstances and I’m not saying that this is a steadfast rule… but overall, if someone does horrendous inhumane things- they should no longer be allowed to exist as a human.  Right?

To site a few examples: The recent case of the 25+ men who gang raped an 11 year old girl.  I’d like for them to die.  The case of the Petit family- where 2 men saw a mother and her teenaged daughters at the store, followed them home, invaded the house, sexually and physically tortured the entire family for days, and were apprehended by police while running from the house after setting the mother and daughters on fire- leaving the father barely alive and having to live the rest of his life alone with these memories.  Those men need to die.  And when I say “they need to die”- I don’t mean they need to spend 35 years on death row with appeal after appeal being denied, and having this be a long drawn-out process at the taxpayer’s expense.  I mean that once the verdict is laid down, and the family’s of the victims get to make their statement to the guilty, the guilty are taken outside and shot in the head.  End of story.

I posted on my facebook page a link to the story of the gang-raped 11 year old girl, and stated that all these guys needed to be gunned down.  And, to my surprise- there were slews of comments from my very liberal and left-wing friends who agreed whole-heartedly.  So this got me thinking….. why are people against the death penalty?  I’m sincerely asking this- because I don’t understand.  And I WANT to understand.

I know there are dodgy cases where new DNA evidence is coming to light and showing people wrongly convicted… but those cases aren’t what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about the situations I sited above- where the guilty are red-handed guilty.  And the crimes are so horrific that the details are unthinkable.  Why are we paying to keep these people alive?  Provide them with lawyers and food and shelter and library books and therapy and letters from creepy fans etc etc etc.  Just recently Micheal Woodmansee was up for early parole.  If you aren’t familiar with him, he murdered and ate a 5 year old boy, shellacked the child’s skull and bones and kept them as trophy’s in his home.  His possible early release was for “good behavior”.  But do any of us really think this man is rehabilitated?  And if he got out, do you want him living next door to you?  Is he sane enough now to live near YOUR kid?  How healthy is this human tribe member really?  How much social good will he be bringing to the global table?   But the big question is, with over 6.5 billion people on this planet- do we really NEED this guy?  Why are people fighting so hard to keep these monsters alive?!  I sincerely want to understand this- because I see advocates for these monsters as traitors to the victims.  ESPECIALLY when keeping these murders and rapists alive and in our prison system cost millions every year.  And those millions come out of our pockets, and could be going to our kid’s schools (or countless other programs that help the people of our country who AREN’T convicted murders and rapists).

So, to the Anti-Death Penalty people out there reading this… I would like to understand your side of the coin.  I don’t want a heated and angry debate.  I just want to understand.  Because I watch horror after horror every day on the news-  then this week Illinois puts a ban on the death penalty…. and it makes my head spin.  Is it the fear of putting someone down who wasn’t really guilty?  Is it the cost of the appeals and the expense of their long stay on death row?   Is it just that “killing is wrong” no matter what?  I don’t get it.  I want to get it.  Please help me get it.  Please.

Thank you.  xoxo



Santa vs The Warrior…. and Santa is winning

19 Dec

Every year around the holidays I write venting blogs about how much I hate X-mas and everything that comes along with it.  Because I really do hate the holiday season with such a hungry passion that there are barely words to contain it.  But this year I was trying something different.  This year, for the sake of my boys, I attempted to keep my mouth shut and put a fake smile on my face.  Putting up the tree and baking cookies and going shopping and wrapping presents… all accessorized with a blank “Stepford Wife” expression on my face, and a robot voice chiming like a parrot “Isn’t this great?  Don’t we love this?  Happy Holidays!  Happy Holidays!”.  It’s difficult to keep a realistic smile going while I’m vomiting in my mouth- but I’ve pretty much mastered it.

Because of the massive amounts of repression of true emotion that has been building up in me for the past weeks, I’m now starting to lose my mind.  I don’t repress well.  My social filter that keeps every inappropriate and hostile thing that goes through my head from coming out of my mouth is fragile and flawed on my best days- but these past few weeks have put a terrible strain on it and I don’t think it’s going to hold up much longer.  All of my anger towards the bullshit of this stupid season is now flying off in every other direction so I can keep the “Holiday Cheer” intact- and it’s sincerely driving me crazy.  But yesterday was the last straw… and I think my black fury has finally been unleashed.

Yesterday, Sully and I had x-mas shopping to do.  I knew it would be crazy- the Saturday afternoon before x-mas in Huntington Beach.  But I wasn’t prepared for what we entered into.  It was like stepping onto a battlefield with only a butter knife as a weapon.  It took 4 hours to buy 2 gift cards and a blanket.  4 mother fucking hours!!! I almost got in 2 wrecks, and the expansive parking lot of the last mall we went to was so completely full that we could barely get near it (we couldn’t even get into the actual parking lot).  Towards the end of our shopping fiasco, Sully saw the change in my eyes.  So he put 2Pac on the car stereo, cranked it up loud, and said “Get us out of here, Mom”. Our “Happy Holidays” shopping adventure ended with me screaming every obscenity I knew (and regular words used in the most obscene ways) at my automotive adversaries, and as my Swan Song I chucked my almost full cup of coffee out of my moving car at an opposing moving car that nearly sideswiped me- exploding onto their back side window.  The whole last 45 minutes was filled with me chanting to Sully “Do as I say, not as I do”.  THIS is what Christmas does to me.

But it’s not just the Christmas Season that’s making me nuts… it’s the Christmas season living here.  Southern California makes me tired.  It makes me sleepwalk more than ever and isolate.  It wears out every fiber of my being, and it’s making me react to situations in bizarre and outlandish ways.  I’ve been here for over 3 years, and I just can’t adjust.  Last week, some Ed Hardy Douchebag with bad tattoos and a monster SUV almost ran into me while I was coming out of a parking lot, then cut me off twice in traffic, and THEN started following me home and tailgating me.  This went on for almost 10 minutes.  I had Sully in the car with me, and this rancid pile of SoCal garbage was endangering my child’s life with his ‘driving games’.   So I pulled a sharp left into a residential neighborhood, threw the car into ‘park’ and jumped out just as that asshole was turning to follow me into the neighborhood.  And I charged his moving car.  On foot.  Screaming “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU”.  I ran at full speed towards his headlights, fully prepared to pull off one of my cowboy boots and smash his head in with it.  He hit the brakes fast, threw his car into reverse, backed out of the residential neighborhood into oncoming traffic and sped away fast.  Once I got back into the car, I explained to Sully that the other driver was repeatedly putting us in danger with his games and was trying to follow us home (which is scary)- so I had to show him that he wasn’t allowed to threaten us like that.  And sometimes, if threatened, if you act like you’re insane- the aggressor will back off.  But at that moment- I don’t think I was acting.  I think I sincerely lost it.  THIS is what California does to me.

I know we’re not moving anywhere anytime soon.  Sully is doing amazing in school.  I have a wonderful job with the best boss.  We have a great house in a safe neighborhood.  And the high cost of living keeps us from being able save any money at all to put towards moving.  So we’re here.  For a long time.  But I still look at real estate sites almost every night.  I look at the prices of farms outside Kansas City.  I look at the beautiful old gingerbread homes that cost the same as what my neighbors paid for their car.  I torture myself with images of quiet isolation in the Great Plains where my mortgage would only be $400 a month for 15 acres of flat glorious land where I could have a pet cow, a few fainting goats, and a herd of cats.   A magical place where no one has ever heard of “Affliction” or “Ed Hardy”, I will never have someone say to me with pride “Back when I was a junkie”, the largest vehicle for miles is a tractor instead of a Hummer, and the nearest Starbucks is 40 minutes away.   Modern society and all it’s backwards bullshit wouldn’t find me out there.  It wouldn’t bother to look.

But for now… there’s only a week left until x-mas hits, and then it’s all over until next year.  Everyone cross a finger or 2 that I can keep it together for that long.  Because a straight-jacket is not on my x-mas list.

Oh Delta… why ya gotta treat me so bad?

1 Nov

Dear Delta Airlines,

After using your services this past week for my trip to Germany and back, here is a list of things that I found bizarre, highly inconvenient, and somewhat emotionally traumatic.

  • Your new check-in procedure presumes that everyone sets their watches to Delta time.  The clock on my phone (which is actually the universal time measurement) is 5 minutes off from Delta time.  But because of your strict policy of demanding your customers to be checked in 1 hour before take-off and the 5 minute time difference between “Delta Time” and “Real Time”, you said I missed my flight.  By 5 minutes.  Even though the plane was not set to take off for an hour.  Even though my watch said I was on time.  You made the elderly couple behind me who was late by 2 minutes cry because of this rule!  And you made me pay $250 to switch to a later flight.  Even though I didn’t miss my flight…. because it was still sitting on the runway… for an hour after I got there… you just  wouldn’t let me on it.  You setting your clocks off by 5 minutes earned you $250.  Nice scam.
  • After re-routing all my flights because of your little time game, waiting an additional 6 hours at LAX and showing up in Amsterdam, you tried to send me to London.  Even though my boarding pass said Cologne, Germany.  How did you do this?  How is it possible that we can send things to Mars, but your systems are so flawed that you printed a boarding pass to one city, but you try to fly me to a completely different city.  The additional $250 that you are robbing from people because of your time-scam isn’t well spent.  And the additional 6 hours that I had to spend in the Amsterdam airport because of having to reroute my ticket to where I was SUPPOSED to go destroyed large chunks of my soul.
  • After arriving in Cologne 12 hours later than I was supposed to, I discovered you lost my luggage that had all my artwork for the gallery exhibit.  The gallery exhibit that was opening the next morning.  And you wouldn’t tell me where it was sent to.  And you wouldn’t tell me when I would be getting it back.  As I sat on the floor in front of your customer service desk crying from stress and exhaustion, all you had to give me was a complimentary bag with a toothbrush, razor, and a pair of men’s socks, and wouldn’t allow me to make a phone call to the exhibit hall to let my gallery know that you had lost the entire reason for my trip to Germany.  I think your customer service department needs to take some time and eat many bags of dicks.
  • You should have to pay my future therapy bills for making me endure the “Twilight” movies, and “Sex in the City 2” as your in-flight movies.  They added considerably to my mental deterioration during this whole debacle.

In closing, I think you are bad people.  I think that when they teach children in school about sexual predators and drug dealers, they should also mention you.  You’re so awful that you make old people openly weep in public.  I want to bring charges against you for psychological abuse.  The only thing keeping me from marching back into LAX, dropping my pants in the middle of your check-in line and pooping on your floor is that I had an amazing time once I finally got to Germany.  You should send the Strychnin Gallery a thank you note for keeping you from having to clean up my poop.


Kristen Ferrell